Visions

Fanfiction
-My Fics
-Collaborations
-Other Buffy/Spike Fics
-Series
-Challenges
-Non Buffy/Spike Fics
History
Links
Link to Me
Updates
Awards Won


Back to Main

E-mail Hilary

By Beth Muramoto

Summary: Spike changes the course of Buffy's destiny. Takes place during The Gift
NC-17

"No!" Spike screamed and awoke bolt upright, unnecessarily breathing hard

It had been the third night he'd had the same nightmare. Dawn had been bled for Glory's ritual and in characteristic Buffy heroic fashion, to save Dawn from death, she leaps into the vortex, sacrificing herself. Spike was terrified. He'd never had prophetic dreams. That was Dru's specialty, but he had never had the same dream for one more than one night so this dream worried him. Could something be telling him that he was seeing the future and that he had a way to prevent it? If there was any kind of a chance, he would make sure to pay attention to every detail if it happened again. He had to prevent Buffy's death at all costs, even with his own life.

He knew he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight so he got up and decided to vent his anger and pent up energy before trying to sleep again. This time tomorrow, they would be getting Dawn back and stop Glory.

Spike found that the demons weren't cooperating tonight. Maybe they sensed that Glory would be making her ascension and were laying low, waiting for that moment.

"Damned wankers!" Spike swore.

Then suddenly, he felt her presence. She, too, seemed to be seeking release to help her sleep. They were so much alike.

"Buffy," Spike said as he walked up to her, "Can't sleep either, pet?"

"Who could sleep?" Buffy said, her shoulders slumped, her voice tired. Spike nodded in agreement.

Spike had sensed something in her that worried him. Even since Buffy's mom had died, Buffy's fire had begun to dim. At first, Spike just chalked it up to grief, but weeks later, the light in her eyes seemed to get dimmer. Her usual energy was waning and wavering at times. After Dawn had been captured, she had fallen into that catatonic state. Though Willow had managed to bring her out of it, the fire seemed to be finally extinguished. She only seemed to be putting up a brave front. Her determination to save Dawn was authentic. It was the only glimmer of that fire left and it only flashed occasionally.

"What's wrong, luv?"

"Nothing I-"

"I know better, Buffy." Spike insisted.Buffy had a look of resignation and no desire to fight back against Spike.

"I was talking to Giles earlier tonight and we were thinking about how many apocalypses we had faced. He guessed it was about six…" Buffy took a deep breath, "I'm so tired. I've lost so much, some to apocalypses, some not…first Angel then my mom and now Dawn…I don't think I can do it anymore. I told Giles if Dawn dies, I'm quitting. I'm tired of making these choices, sacrificing all that I love to fight evil. It isn't worth it anymore. It isn't in me anymore."

Spike looked at the dark rings around Buffy's eyes and knew that death surrounded her. Her will to live was weakening and even the ties that she had left in this world were barely keeping her alive. Dawn was her last familial lifeline and now she, too, was facing death, could die tomorrow night. If Dawn died, Buffy's reason for living would be severed completely and the slayer death wish would finally find her. Spike couldn't let that happen. He had to find a way to save her. If not by words then by saving Dawn. He knew that to be clear.

"Buffy, I know that you have been through more loss than anyone should ever have in a lifetime, but you will save Dawn. You will win."

Buffy looked up at him, unconvinced.

"Did Willow tell you why I lost it and wigged out?"

"No, suspect that she wanted to respect your secret."

"I had a moment of clarity…a moment where I felt I lost Dawn, that Glory won. I not only knew it, I felt it. Glory would beat me and for a split second, I was glad. It was over. I was done. Spike, I'm afraid that I won't be able to save Dawn."

"No, Buffy, I won't have you give up. It's not in you to give up." Spike urged.

Deep inside, he felt a sense of dread wash over him and it scared him to his core. Buffy was giving up. She was giving into her death wish.

"Buffy, you are strong. The strongest woman I've ever known." Spike said, grabbing her hands and holding them in his. "You love Dawn and you will win. Believe that and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have your friends and me to watch your back. We'll do all that we can. Believe in us to see you through this."

Buffy looked into Spike's eyes and she saw his faith in her glimmer from within them. There was conviction there, a belief in her strength that she could draw from. She smiled and squeezed his hands.

"How do you always find strength in me that even I don't think I have?"

"Because I see it. Because I love you. Because you are a fighter, a warrior that doesn't give up. "

Buffy blinked at his words. "I don't feel like a warrior, but thanks."

Buffy then walked away back towards her house. Spike was dumbstruck. He knew that nothing he could say would change her mind. She was resigned to whatever happened. Oh, she'd try as she always does, but something would happen…

When Spike returned to his crypt, he resolved to learn every detail of his dream. Suddenly all he wanted was to have the dream again so that he could figure out what to do to save Dawn, to give Buffy the will to live.

Unfortunately, the dream came again and nothing had changed from the previous times. Dawn is bled and then Buffy leaps and dies to save Dawn and the world. When he awoke from the nightmare, he struggled to remember every detail. There had to be a way to change the outcome. There must be something that they were all missing. Spike recalled the part of the dream that was most painful for him. He had gone up to protect Dawn from Glory, but was met, not by Glory, but Doc. He had a knife in his hand. He wasn't dead and it was he who would cut Dawn, starting the ritual bloodletting.

Spike left to go to Doc's place, only to find it abandoned. He wasn't surprised. He wouldn't have stuck around and had probably known from the beginning about the ritual and what Dawn was. "

Bollix…" Spike swore.

**

"We're not all gonna make it. You know that. " Buffy said solemnly.

"Yeah. Hey, I always knew I'd go down fighting. " Spike joked, half-heartedly.

"I'm counting on you. To protect her. "

Spike lifted his head, proud that she would ask him to do that."

'Til the end of the world -- even if that happens to be tonight. " He asserted and in his heart he was going to make sure that the outcome of his dream would be different.

"I'll be a minute." Buffy said as she started up the stairs.

"I know you'll never love me." He said, wanting to make sure that he told her how much her faith in him meant to him and that in some small way, it would not be misguided. "I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's... “ Spike paused and grinned nervously. “Get your stuff. I'll be here.

"Buffy gave him a small smile and continued ascending the stairs.

**

All the events began to play out as they had in his dream. Willow and Tara opened a pathway on the tower stairs so that Spike could run up and face Doc. No one else knew who it was other than him.

Spike wasn't sure what he was going to do, just that it wasn't going to be the same as in his dream. He had to prevent Doc from cutting Dawn. He reached the top of the stairs. Dawn spotted him and called out to him. Doc turned to face him as Spike slowly inched his way towards him.

"Doesn't a fellow stay dead when you kill him?" Spike said sarcastically.

"Look who's talking."

"Come on, Doc. Let's you and me have a go. " Spike baited.

"I do have a prior appointment... " Doc said toying with his knife.

"This won't take long. "

"No. I don't imagine it will."

Spike lunges and Doc manages to stab him in the back. Spike grimaces in pain, but he realizes that Dawn was now behind him and he could now shield her. In his dream, Doc would try to grab him and then toss him over the edge. Spike knew what he had to do.

"You don't come near the girl, Doc."

"I don't smell a soul anywhere on you... why do you even care?" Doc asked puzzled.

"I made a promise to a lady."

"Oh? Well, I'll send the lady your regrets." Doc shot his tongue to unbalance Spike, but this time, unlike in his dream, he didn’t duck, he just turned and grabbed onto Dawn, enveloping her in a hug.

"Niblet, close your eyes and no matter what you hear, keep your eyes closed, hold on to me and never let go." Spike spoke softly and calmly to her. He wanted to make sure she didn't see what Spike knew was to come. "Trust me."

Dawn could only nod and comply. She closed her eyes.

"You will not stop the ritual!!" He screamed and then all Spike could feel was the knife plunging into his back again and again. The pain was excruciating. It was like Doc was trying to slice through him to get to Dawn. His body twitched with each plunge of the knife, but he held in his screams. He had to keep Dawn calm and make her feel safe, but his hands clenched behind her and he tightened his grip around her. He struggled to stay conscious. He had to protect Dawn until Buffy got to them. He would make sure that he didn't let Dawn go a minute sooner. Doc kept plunging the knife. Thankfully, it wasn't a stake, Spike thought. At least a knife wouldn't dust him.

"Spike, are you all right?" Dawn asked sensing his change of grip on her, but keeping her eyes closed.

Spike swallowed hard, forcing the pain in his voice down so that it wouldn't scare her.

"Everything is according to plan, lil 'bit. You're safe now…think of Buffy and your friends. They are on the way. I'll protect you until she gets here." Spike half whispered and rasped through his pain, a moan that he couldn't hold back escaped.

Just as he had finished the words, he felt her presence behind him. He heaved a ragged sigh. "She's here, Niblet. It's almost over…"

Buffy watched and saw what Doc was doing to Spike. At first she was riveted to her spot from shock, but realization, instinct and pent up emotions took over and she ran up to them. A surge of her own anger and rage bubbled to the surface and all of the pain and loss she had suffered over the last year flowed through her body. She grabbed the hand that held the knife and broke it so that it dropped to the grated floor. She then lifted Doc and tossed him over the edge of the tower like a rag doll. His wail of defeat followed him down. When she finally regained her senses and control, she was aghast to see Spike's duster slashed with cuts and blood dripping through them and beneath it.

"Spike?" Buffy called and came over to see him holding Dawn. If it weren't for Spike's face contorted in severe pain, you'd think they were just hugging.

"Buffy, take Dawn…I don't think…I can hold on…much longer…" Spike wheezed as his arms loosened around Dawn, causing more waves of pain to hit him. All he could do was collapse.

Buffy grabbed Dawn and hugged her. She had already opened her eyes and was happy to see Buffy there, but was shocked to see Spike bleeding from all of the wounds Doc had inflicted on him.

"We have to help Spike! He used his body as a shield so that I wouldn't get cut. He never let me go. "

"I know, Dawn." Buffy said, her throat caught with tears as she untied her, "It's all over. Start going down the stairs. I'll get Spike and follow you."

Dawn nodded, though she hated to leave Spike. Buffy kneeled down by his side. She was unsure if he was still conscious or how to get him down the numerous stairs to the ground if he wasn’t. Her heart clenched in her chest when she saw him. He was grimacing in pain and breathing shallowly. What he had done to save Dawn was so heroic. She no longer doubted his motivations. The torture he endured at the hands of Glory without revealing Dawn as the key had proven that he wasn't the evil demon that she had always believed him to be. What he had just done, though, it defied everything she knew and understood.

"Spike? Can you hear me? Please say something, even something insulting. I need to know you're okay." Buffy said, tears welling in her eyes. She stroked his face with one hand and grasped his hand with the other. Suddenly Spike’s eyes slowly opened.

"Is Dawn safe?" Spike asked weakly, licking his lips and swallowing his pain down.

"Yes, she's gone downstairs to meet with the others."

"Good…good." Spike breathed a heavy sigh and yet he managed a small, trembling smile through his pain. He had changed the outcome of his dream. Dawn was alive and most importantly, so was Buffy. He had stopped her from dying.

"Spike, why?" Buffy had to ask though a part of her felt she shouldn't question his sacrifice.

"Had to…had to make sure you both lived…Had to keep my promise…"

"But you almost died…"

Spike heaved a deep, difficult breath which caused him to cough. A wave of pain racked his body and he couldn't hold back a ragged groan. He squeezed her hand until it subsided. He felt that he wouldn't recover from his wounds. He had bled too much. He could barely move and the pain was everywhere, like everything inside of him was on fire, turning to dust.

"Would have surely lived a hell…on earth if you had…died…couldn't let that happen…would prefer death to that."

More pain rippled through Spike and he closed his eyes, his face etched with discomfort, his lips desperately trying to mouth out his words through it. He felt himself becoming weaker. He knew he had very little time left and yet he had so much to say to her. Some of it things he has told her over and over again and others were just rambling thoughts that he felt needed to be expressed for no good reason other than he would never have another chance at saying them. It was like he was afraid that once he stopped talking, death would take him from her and he didn't want that. His will didn't want to give in, yet he was fighting a battle he knew he could not win. If only he could leave her his will to live.

"I…love you…so much…know you don't believe me…doesn’t matter anymore… but you have to promise me you'll live…never give up…fight to live…live for me…"

"Spike, what are you talking about?"

"Dying, pet…bleeding out…too far gone…" Spike said swallowing hard again.

"No, please Spike, get up, I'll get you down the stairs, vampire healing, remember?" Suddenly, Buffy was sobbing uncontrollably, the reality of losing Spike hit her hard, "I can't lose you. I don't think I could take it. I need you."

Spike felt his unlife seeping away, but he couldn't leave her with another reason to give up on living.

"Buffy, my life, my choice...don't regret it. I did it for life, your life, for Dawn's life…I knew what had to be done…Just like you always do…Would do it again. Life is all in the living. You have so much…you just can't see it…now. You have Dawn who needs you and your friends…they are your reasons for living." Spike coughed again from the effort of talking. "Live for them…"

"Spike, I-." Buffy's sobs choked her words. All she knew was that she had to save Spike. She couldn't let him die.

Spike closed his eyes and felt the world ebbing away. A part of him longed for death, to end the pain, but his will, it was stubborn, selfish. It clung to every moment left with her. No amount of pain was enough to keep him from her. Spike struggled to open his eyes one last time to look at Buffy. Her beauty could be breathtaking alone for him. He smiled weakly up at her.

"God, how…I…lo…love…you…" Spike said, his voice barely a whisper, his breathing was coming in short gasps. Every word was a struggle now. "The…only…thing…in this…sodding…world…that…I'll…miss…is you…" Spike took a painful deep breath to finish, "I hope the powers allow me my memory of you…'course if they didn't, I'd remember…I know I'd remember…"

Buffy was sobbing. Listening to his words of love for her and how deeply he expressed him made her afraid they'd really be his last to her. She couldn't let that happen. She searched desperately around her and found the knife Doc had used on him. It was covered in Spike's blood, down to the hilt. She cut her wrist and let her blood flow, letting it mingle with his on the blade.

"Drink from me…If my blood can't save you, then I promise you I'll try to live on, but you can't just give up on me without trying to live. If I have to try, so do you…I need you so much…more than I realized."
Spike, even as close to death as he was, could smell her blood. Slayer blood was potent and unmistakable. Just knowing it was there revitalized him.

"No, Buffy, I can't ask you-"

"I know…" Buffy said softly and smiled, thinking of Spike's unselfishness, "You wouldn't ask, not even to save your life, but I'm asking you, please, do this for me. I trust you and I know you need it. Please try to live. Live for me." Buffy sobbed.

Spike's instincts then took over and he softly enveloped her wound with his cool lips. He gently began to draw in her blood. He tried to control his demon so as to not hurt her and he was conscious not to take too much.

Buffy sighed with a sense of relief as Spike began to drink from her. There was a feeling of desire and need when a vampire feeds. She had felt it from Angel. Spike's desire for her was stronger than anything she had ever felt. She had loved Angel and wanted to save his life too, but she had never felt anything like she was feeling now. She was aware of Spike's compassion to her, she felt him resisting his demon. Angel almost couldn't stop and nearly killed her. Spike was sensual and almost loving in his taking of her. She closed her eyes and images began to flow into her. All that Spike had done for her the past year without asking for anything other than hope. He was always there for her and still she gave him nothing in return, nothing to hold on to. She began to feel a flood of feelings rush in, Spike's feelings. His feelings for her were powerful. His passion for her rivaled anything she had felt for anyone, even Angel. It was overwhelming in a beautiful way. His emotions were true, pure, real. She had never realized the depth of his feelings. It was life affirming and arousing to her. It swept her into a wave of love. She moaned. It was like he was making love to her spiritually. She felt every part of her body responding. Her skin was dotting with sweat, her heart was racing, her breath panting.

"Oh my god, " Buffy breathlessly moaned, "Oh, Spike…you make me feel so…you're in me, you're in-"

Then Spike's words came back to her, "… You're in my gut ... my throat ... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you."

She then saw him in the visions. She felt and saw him. He smiled at her, raised his hand and caressed her cheek with the back of it. It then went to her neck, erotic, yet gentle and loving. Every cell in her body reacted. The image flashed and then they were in each other's arms, blessedly without any clothes to hinder them. He laid her on a soft bed then kissed her neck, her clavicle, then circled around her breasts. Her breath caught, a moan escaped, her body arched in response. He continued to kiss her, leaving a trail down her stomach. His hands flowed behind the arch in her back, encouraging it to bend further, massaging it lovingly. He then caressed her hips and she felt his hardness thrust into her slowly. He lowered himself into her and the feeling was dizzying. She then felt him move in and out, dancing erotically, his hips rubbing against hers like in a tango. It was amazing. Her breath caught and the crescendo was so strong, impending, like she was hovering on a precipice. Spike’s body held her in an ecstatic limbo and she felt a scream trying to escape her throat, but only short breaths came. Her body trembled and then a soft groan finally exhaled from her. “Oh. God. Spike,” she said in the vision, half in a glorious agony, begging for release and half wanting to stay just as they were, suspended on this emotional cliff for as long as she could. Reality meshed and Buffy really felt like she was making love with him. "Mmmm, unh, oh…." Buffy moaned, the delicious combination of pain and pleasure was becoming unbearable. She grabbed his hips and bucked against him, dancing with his rhythm. Then Spike thrust harder, faster and Buffy thought she would lose consciousness. She began to pant which only made Spike thrust deeper, longer until finally she couldn't hold back crying out his name. "Spike…" The orgasms that rippled through her were mind blowing. She felt Spike come too, groaning her name as he did, emptying himself into her with a coolness that soothed her.

Suddenly, Spike stopped drawing in her blood. He laid back his head and heaved a sigh. The psychic connection broken, Buffy panicked, her eyes wide with shock and surprise. Her body felt the ache of losing him from inside it. The emptiness was palpable and every inch of her mourned the loss of him. She had to briefly reorient herself to where she was.

"Spike? Are you all right? Don't stop. I'm fine. You haven't hurt me! Spike? Take more if you need it, please! Please don't die."

"It's enough, Buffy." He sighed. "I've only taken what I needed…Your slayer blood is strong…don't need much…I just need to rest now."

"You'll live, then?" Buffy's voice cracked with tears and desperation.

"I think so…"

"Thank God, oh, Spike…" Finally she cried openly and allowed all of her emotions to cascade from her. Some of them were hers and the others were Spike's. "Thank you…for not leaving me…" She then gently held him in her arms, caressing his face.

"Buffy…don't cry…it's me who should be thanking you…what you did…your trust in me…you saved my life." Spike spoke tiredly.

"No, you saved me first. You were right. I wanted to die. I wanted to be done, but when I saw what you did, what you were willing to do to keep me alive, to keep Dawn alive it just made me realize that as long as I had you, I'd want to live." Buffy paused, "What I felt when you were drinking from me…It was so strong…It felt so real like I was there, like we were really-"

Spike closed his eyes as if in pain, "Buffy, I'm sorry you had to see that, feel that…I couldn't control it."

"I saw something like that when I drank from Dracula, but I never felt that when Angel drank from me…"

Spike seemed embarrassed. He had felt everything in the vision that she had. It had been strong, powerful, intoxicating. Even Spike lost himself in the images. For him, it was bittersweet. Though he relished in every moment of it, he knew it was a vision never to be realized. She didn’t love him and though he had felt an attraction between them for years, she would deny him her body and most bitter was that she would deny him her love. He had come to accept it, but it didn’t mean that every scar marked by every harsh word thrown at him, every refusal of the reality of his love for her didn't exist. Most of them had healed, but for every healed wound, another tear in his flesh would replace it.

"Vampires usually suppress their visions when they feed, but I was dyin', I didn't have the strength…Usually it's just about the kill…but since I was feeding from…" Spike looked away.

"What? From what?"

Spike looked into her eyes. He knew that if he told her it was from love, she would dismiss it and he'd be destroyed, but he couldn't stop being honest with her.

"From love." He finally blurted quickly.

He waited for the look of disgust, disbelief, and all else negative to show up on her face, but none of them materialized. He decided to risk all.

"You gave of your blood willingly without any influence from me and because I…wasn't trying to kill you, what you saw was my desire and love for you."

Spike felt spent. If only unconsciousness would just come and take him out of his misery. He was even denied being able to get up and walk away because he was still so weak.

"I'm sorry. You must be…repulsed by what you saw, by what you felt. I promise that once I'm on my feet again, I'll never dark in your door-"

Buffy cut him off with a soft kiss, deepening it. All she wanted, her body and her soul, was to feel him, touch him. She hungered for him. When she looked into his eyes, he only saw gentleness and maybe, something more. He couldn’t be sure, he was afraid not to be sure.

"Don’t be sorry. I should be the one to be sorry. I've doubted your capacity to love, to care, to do anything without something being in it for you. When I saw the visions, I also felt…everything. It wasn't just love, it was beyond that. It entered me. It was almost like it was alive. It warmed me, filled me, gave me life. God, Spike it was amazing. You were making love to me and I felt every touch. And I yearned for it, for you." Buffy said, in awe. "I've never felt anything like that before. It was like you were reaching out to me, touching me in a way that I never imagined possible, making me see that I had something to live for…that I had you to live for. "

Spike wasn't sure if he was too tired to think coherently, but if he was dreaming, or maybe dying and not realizing it, he never wanted the moment to end. He'd choose death over living rather than find nothingness.

"You do, luv." Spike said, "You give me the will to live every day."

Now, it was Buffy’s turn to be embarrassed. The visions had aroused in her, feelings she never thought she’d ever feel again and certainly not for Spike, but she couldn’t deny how deeply he felt for her and now, she realized, all she wanted was to live, to explore the possibilities of life with Spike.

"Spike, I have given you so many reasons to hate me, leave me, but you never have, almost sacrificed your life for me. In the vision, it wasn’t just you I was feeling.” Buffy paused and looked into his eyes. “I was feeling me there as too. Every response you felt came from me, willingly. I wanted you so much. I ached when the vision left me. I was terrified that you had left me by dying. Spike, I…I want a chance at this. I want a chance with you. Can you still love me?"

Spike couldn’t believe what he was hearing. If he was hallucinating from dying, he would grab on to it until his life was over, but he felt he wasn’t imagining what he had just heard. Buffy really wanted a chance, wanted him.

"I can and I will always love you. I’ve always wanted that chance with you. If I died now, I would have died happy knowing that you felt something other than revulsion for me, but to hear that you might want something more…it gives me unrelenting joy, heals me as much as your blood does."

Buffy kissed him and deepened it more than the last. Spike had enough strength back to return the kiss and to lift his arm to pull himself closer, pressing his lips passionately into hers, reinforcing the power of his desire for her.

When they parted, Buffy was breathless and her face glowed with life.

The End