Something To Sleep To
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Author: Nebula
Rating: PG
Summery: Realising that Buffy is never going to admit she loves him, Spike finally decides to leave Sunnydale.
+++++++++++++++++++
“Buffy, please!”
“No! How many times do I have to tell you?”
Spike sighed with frustration. “Why not?”
Buffy closed her eyes and forced herself to be calm. She looked directly at him and said as quietly as she could, “Because I can’t. I can’t love you, Spike.”
“You’re ‘fraid of what your friends would think, aren’t you?” Spike said, leaning against the sarcophagus that stood in his crypt.
“Let’s think about it…yeah for obvious reasons?”
He hated when she did this. When she pretended that what they had was nothing. “You love me. I know you do.”
Buffy shook her head and turned towards the door. “Spike, you’re deluding yourself. I don’t love you.”
“Then what am I doin’ here?” he yelled, hurt radiating across his face. “Am I just here to be your lap-dog?” When she didn’t answer him, he raised his voice even louder. “I’ve had it, Slayer. Can’t take no more of this. Either you love me, or I’m leavin’.”
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” Buffy said, turning. Her eyes blazed.
Spike glared back at her. “Not an ultimatum, Slayer. It’s a choice. I know you love me. You just don’t wanna admit it. So either you say it, or I leave. Simple as that. I can’t take this anymore, Buffy,” he said, gazing at her pleadingly. “I can’t.”
Buffy turned and opened the crypt door. “Spike, you’ll be here tomorrow, I guarantee it. Nothing changes.” She gave him one last pointed look before closing the door behind her.
Spike clenched his fists. “Will this time, luv,” he whispered, tears coursing down his face. “Will this time.”
< --- >
Spike drove down the street, his face emotionless. Only a few minutes after she’d left, he had gone downstairs and packed up what he needed to take, including a few days worth of pig’s blood. After he’d transported everything to the car, he’d crawled inside and sobbed. He didn’t want to do this, but it was the only way to save himself. He had to do this.
People milling around caught his attention, and he found himself outside of the Bronze. He remembered the first time he’d ever seen Buffy was in there. The passionate kiss, the playing above the Scoobies who were oblivious to them both. So many memories. Couldn’t hurt to have one last drink, would it? Besides, the pain was getting too intense. Time to numb it.
He parked the car a block down and headed in. It was as smoky and dark as it usually was, but as he walked in the door, he felt something prick against his chest. He frowned and turned. Nothing there. It had felt like someone had tapped his heart. Or was it his heart breaking?
He ordered a shot of ‘something strong’ from the barkeeper, and found that it tasted bitter. He had no idea what it was.
He situated himself in a corner on the first floor so he could watch everything that was going on. Couples were nuzzling each other, and a strangled sob escaped his throat. Holding back the tears, he took two swigs of whatever he’d ordered and waited for the familiar tingle that would wipe most of the pain away.
The sound of the band starting up caught his attention, and he turned towards the stage. A pretty little thing with brown hair had taken the mike. The music swelled to a piano solo, and she began to sing. He turned back to his drink.
“She’s his yellow brick road,
Leading him on and
Letting him go as far
As she lets him go
Going down…to nowhere…”
Her verse startled him, and he turned to the stage once more, his drink forgotten.
The girl looked out into the audience, no, looked over at him. She stared at him pointedly before starting the next part. Spike frowned.
“She puts on her makeup
The same way she did yesterday
Hopin’ everything’s the same
But everything has changed…”
Spike’s frown deepened as he tried to figure out why she kept staring at him, as if this song was just for him.
“In my mind…
Everything we did was right
Open your eyes I’ll still be by your side
How could I ever have been so blind?
You give me somethin’ to sleep to, at night…”
His eyes widened, and the girl smiled slightly, a motion that did not go unnoticed by Spike. She WAS singing this for him. For some odd reason, she was singing about the very thing he was trying to forget: Buffy.
< --- >
“Spike?” She frowned, looking around the crypt. “Spike?”
It was quieter than usual. Where was he? “Spike?” Buffy called a little louder, peering into the hole that lead to the lower section. She gasped slightly as she saw nothing. The bed was still there, but his books, the sheets, his clothes, everything that said someone lived here was gone.
With a sinking feeling in her stomach she rushed for the fridge. As she’d suspected, the blood was gone. “Spike!” she yelled, started to get scared. He couldn’t have…
But she knew he had. She fell to her knees and sobbed. He’d left her. He had said he would, and he had. Why?
Oh, she knew very well ‘why’. Because she wouldn’t admit it. She wouldn’t admit that she cared about him, enjoyed spending time with him, wanted to be with him…
In short, she wouldn’t admit that she loved him.
She dried her eyes the best she could and looked around again. She knew why he had done it. He’d been right, too. It didn’t make it stop hurting, though.
What made it hurt even more was the fact that once again, someone that had said they’d loved her had left her. Was this how it would always go? Was she incapable of admitting her feelings to anyone?
She choked back another sob and headed towards the door. If she got sick, as in throwing up sick, maybe she’d forget about the pain of her heart breaking. Was there anything left to even break?
She only knew one way to get that sick. Closing the door behind her, she headed towards the Bronze.
When she reached the Bronze, she caught sight of a young girl up on stage, singing away. She hadn’t taken more then two steps forward when she felt something prick her chest, as if someone had touched her. Weird.
As she headed towards an empty bar stool, she caught a few words from the song.
“…eyes I’ll still be by your side
How could I ever have been so blind?
You give me somethin’ to sleep to, at night…”
“Something really strong,” Buffy said to the barkeeper. “As in, it’ll make you sick. Forget everything but the pain of being ill.”
The barkeeper raised his eyebrows but nodded. “Gimme a second,” he said, turning to make her drink. She nodded, as the singer began again.
“He wakes up to the sound
So scared that she’s leavin’,
He wishes she were still
Asleep, next to him,
Hopin’ she will change…”
Buffy sat up straight, the verse starting the pain up again. She remembered the nights she’d awakened and hurried to leave, with Spike begging her to stay with him. She shut her eyes, tears pooling once more. Where was her drink?
“In my mind…
Everything we did was right
Open your eyes I’ll still be by your side
How could I ever have been so blind?
You give me somethin’ to sleep to, at night…”
The barkeeper set the drink in front of her. It fizzled, as if warning her not to drink it. She nodded her thanks as the chorus sang what she finally wanted to tell him. But it was too late.
Spike was gone.
< --- >
That last verse had hit a mark. That was him, everything he’d wanted. He had wanted Buffy to stay so many times, but she never had. She had been right, in a way: nothing changes. At least, not in her case.
The girl was still staring at him. He was beginning to feel nervous. What was she trying to tell him?
She blinked, and looked over to the right. Finally! She wasn’t looking at him anymore.
The singer looked back again at him, ruining his burst of happiness. She looked again to the right, and he realized she meant for him to follow her gaze. He did, and his jaw dropped slightly.
Buffy sat at the bar, her back to the stage. The barkeeper was handing her a drink, which she took with a nod. The singer started again.
“You give me somethin’ to sleep to,
And all I know, is…
You give me somethin’ to dream to
When I’m all alone and blue…
Don’t leave me now, don’t leave me now…”
As the last phrase was sung, Spike watched with surprise as Buffy choked up. A musical solo started, and Buffy began to sob into her hands. What was she so upset about?
Hope flared in his chest. She couldn’t be crying over him…? He looked up at the singer to see her nodding with approval. Spike turned back to Buffy, a smile blooming on his face.
It quickly disappeared, however, when he caught sight of her pulling the drink towards her with shaking hands. Her face was red and tear-stained. He almost rolled his eyes. Did she really intend on drinking that? She never learned. The Slayer may be strong, but she couldn’t hold her own drink.
But she knew that, didn’t she? Suddenly he knew what she was going to do. He quickly stood and walked towards her, his pace increasing as he watched her raise the glass to her lips.
< --- >
“Don’t leave me now, don’t leave me now…”
Buffy couldn’t help it; she choked up. The song was hitting her hard. Spike, don’t leave me…It was too much. She buried her face in her hands and began to sob. He was really gone.
No! No more crying. She had come to make herself ill, and that’s what she would do. She looked up and took the drink in her hands. This was it. Should she make sure she had phone numbers of emergency contacts on her before she started? She sniffled and wiped the tears away. No more stalling.
She took the glass in her hands, then gave a humorless laugh. “Cheers,” she mumbled, before she raised it to her lips.
The liquid never touched her throat. A hand grabbed her wrist and pulled the glass back towards the bar. She looked up, intent on giving whoever it was hell when she saw who it was. She dropped the glass onto the bar top, suddenly very glad he’d lowered her hand.
He was really there. He was standing in front of her, staring at her. “You’re still here,” she breathed.
He nodded, his face not showing any emotion.
Buffy looked down, her cheeks starting to flame, making her face even redder. His hand still held her wrist. “I…uh…” For once Summers, she thought to herself, swallow your pride and say it! “I’m sorry,” she blurted out. He didn’t say anything, so she continued. “I…I know have no right to say this after everything, but…I’m sorry, and I was hoping you would…forgive me,” she whispered. “And,” she said, raising her voice, “And I love you. I really do. You were right; I just couldn’t admit it. But I do. I love you.”
There was a pause, and Buffy considered saying she was sorry again, when she felt his finger slide under her chin and pull her gaze up to his. She was surprised to see tears in his eyes as he smiled at her. “I love you, Buffy,” he whispered, before his lips met hers.
“In my mind…
Everything we did was right
Open your eyes I’ll still be by your side
How could I ever have been so blind?
You give me somethin’ to sleep to, at night…”
They pulled away, tears running down their faces. “Is it just me, or is this song…?”
“A lil’ too close to home?” Spike asked, before nodding. “I know. The singer kept givin’ me looks like she was tryin’ to tell me somethin’. She actually showed me that you were here.”
Buffy chuckled. “So I guess we owe her, huh?”
Spike nodded, smiling. “Yeah, guess we…” He turned towards the stage, then frowned. “…do?”
Buffy followed his gaze. “Who’s that singing?”
“Not her,” Spike affirmed, glancing around. A black haired girl had now taken the stage and was singing the end of the song, while people continued talking. “But…”
Buffy inhaled sharply. “There, by the emergency exit.”
Spike turned and found the brown haired girl smiling at them. She winked their way before turning and vanishing. No opening the door, just a quiet poof and she was gone.
Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy. “Who was that?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Whoever it was, I thank them.” She looked up at Spike and smiled. “I love you, you know.”
He smiled as the final chord was played. “Love you too.”
THE END
Author’s Note: The song in question is Michelle Branch’s ‘Something To Sleep To’, and I have NO copyright on it. I just borrowed it, because it’s a wonderful song! ^_^