Ressurection

Fanfiction
-My Fics
-Collaborations
-Other Buffy/Spike Fics
-Series
-Challenges
-Non Buffy/Spike Fics
History
Links
Link to Me
Updates
Awards Won


Back to Main

E-mail Hilary

By Beth Muramoto

Rating: G

Summer: Buffy has some news and takes a trip to LA

Buffy had somehow felt that he was back. She denied the feeling, chalking it up to grief, loss, longing, wishful thinking, and yet…She had been afraid to hope that it was more than that.

When she had gotten the call from Angel, she wasn't surprised, then when he had told her that he'd been back for months, but at first as some kind of ghost, she was angry at him. She felt by his tone that he had withheld the news because he didn't want to see her rushing back to see him. It made her angry because Angel would always accuse Spike of being possessive and yet, he was doing the same thing. It was a selfishness, a jealousy that Buffy had always hated about Angel. The night they met at the crypt before the big battle, he had acted the same way when he thought that she was in love with Spike. But she hadn't been honest with him then either. She had said that Spike was in her heart, but she had never said outright that she was in love with him…even though she had already known in some way that she was. Pot calling the kettle black. She was good at doing that. She had done that with Spike so many times. It pained her to remember.

When Spike had "died" at the Hellmouth, her loss was monumental, surprising her, shocking her to her core. The grief was even more painful than when she had lost her mother and she didn't think any pain could equal that, but Spike's death was agony beyond anything she could have ever imagined, more than she thought capable of feeling. She cried every day and night. To be honest, she had not stopped mourning him until Angel called to tell her that he was alive.

Spike hadn't believed her when she said she loved him at the end and she couldn't blame him. She had strung him along, hurt him so many times for so many years that he probably couldn't bear dying believing it or it felt better to just hear the words and leave it at that. But, for Buffy, it was in that moment that she did realize how much she loved him. On the verge of losing him, she knew that she had always loved him, just denied it and held it at bay because it was easier. Taking the cowardly way out of feeling deeply, fully. She had always known that Spike's love was all encompassing, non-judgmental, and above all, unconditional. Even before he got his soul, his love was all those things. It was something that always amazed her. Even as a demon, he could love her despite all of the hurt that she had inflicted upon him. He never left her, not until his death and even then she could see it killed him from within to leave her. His eyes spoke of everything. No words were needed.

When she arrived at Wolfram and Hart, she was nervous. Her stomach was in knots, both in good and bad ways. Excited at seeing him again, afraid to see him again. Afraid that he would feel differently, no longer loved her unconditionally. Her selfish side didn't want this feelings to be different, to be changed, to be gone, for him to leave her. That would be the way that he would finally leave her, stop loving her.

The elevator doors opened and Angel was there to greet her. He had a brooding smile, if that was possible.

"Buffy.." he said nervously, "It's good to see you."

Angel awkwardly bent down to kiss her on the cheek and she had offered it. There was nothing like the last kiss that they had shared. She didn't want to bask this time.

"Hey…" she greeted back with a shaky smile.

"Why don't we go to my office?" He said leading with his arm pointing the way.

Buffy nodded and walked in the direction he pointed. She spotted Harmony in her peripheral vision. Harmony gave her an angry stare.

"Harmony is working here?" Buffy asked only half interested, just mildly curious.

"It's a long story. Maybe next time" Angel smiled again.

He led her into his office. He closed the doors after they entered.

"Sit down, Buffy" he said, offering one of the chairs in front of his desk. "He's on his way."

Buffy nodded again. There was an uncomfortable silence between them that had never existed in the past. It spoke volumes to her that they had both changed. Too much time had passed between them. Though they weren't strangers, they were no longer the 16 year old girl and the 240+ year old vampire. Those feelings were no longer there.

"How have you been?" Angel asked to break the tension.

"Good, good…" Buffy said.

"I'm sorry, Buffy, for not telling you sooner about him." Angel started, deciding to risk her anger. "When Spike first came back, all I could think of was myself. If he had been corporeal at the time, I knew that he would have headed your way immediately and…" He paused, "and I knew that if I told you, you'd do the same thing…I wasn't ready to deal with that."

"It's okay. I was angry at first, but I understand." She said, relieved that he had brought it up. "I've been doing a lot of thinking. Remember the cookie dough thing?"

"How could I forget?" Angel smiled remembering her analogy that night in the cemetery after she defeated the preacher.

"Well, the past few months, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Talked with my friends, stayed with Giles in London and just took some time to think about things and…"

"Are you done 'baking'?" Angel teased, but his smile soon fell because he knew where this was leading.

"Well, maybe not completely, but I'm definitely sure about a lot more things than I was then…" She paused, trying to find the right words, she didn't want to hurt him. She'd done enough of that to everyone in her life. One of the things she was determined to change was that. She was going to be kinder, but more honest too. "I lied to you that night, although I was denying it to myself too. Spike was more than just in my heart…He was also in my soul."

Angel swallowed hard. Odd that he felt like a teenager about to be dumped by his girlfriend. He was 240+ years old! Yet, his chest felt tight and he was trembling.

"I had a feeling." He finally said.

"Angel, you'll always be my first love and I'll always love you and those memories, but we've changed, you know that." Angel nodded in acknowledgement. "I've changed. When Spike died at the Hellmouth, I realized that he was my soul mate, the one I was meant to be with for the rest of my life."

"I know…A part of me has always known, but you know, the denial thing." It was Buffy's turn to nod and smile. "I want you to know that I'll always be there for you and if he ever hurts you…"

"I know…but he won't."

Suddenly Angel's office doors opened slowly. She started a little and then stood up. She turned to face them. Her heart was racing, her breath caught. "Please don't let this be a dream or a cruel joke, " she thought to herself. " I couldn't take it."

Spike walked through tentatively. If he had a heart, he'd feel it beating faster, even though he could swear it was doing just that. He turned his face towards her and his eyes beamed upon seeing her. She was there. He was so afraid this was a dream, a cruel hallucination, still could be. Her eyes captured his and they stared lovingly at each other. She was so beautiful, still beautiful. She would always be beautiful to him.

He was still so handsome. His eyes were a cobalt blue, his face expressed power, but gentility in their marbled features.

Her heart leaped, her face flushed, and her eyes filled with tears. No sooner had her tears come, so did his. He was so in tuned with her emotions. He always had been. It was scary and wonderful all at the same time.

"Buffy…" Spike whispered, almost reverently.

"Spike…" she whispered back in awe that he was really in front of her. "Oh, Spike…" Her voice cracked with emotion.

They walked slowly towards each other. Both afraid the other was an illusion and that once they touched, the other would disappear, but both yearning to run into each other's arms. They then stopped within arm's length of each other. They reached out with their hands, fingers touching and not surprisingly and happily for Buffy, Spike, as he always did, was the first to interlace their fingers together. It was just as they did at the Hellmouth, squeezing their hands together as the flames flared around them. Only this time there were no flames, just longing skin on longing skin. He slowly pulled her towards him and she walked willingly into his body, his arms. It was a slow, soft, and loving reunion of souls separated.

Tears flowed unceasingly, the dam broken, and as they faced each other, Buffy smiled shakily. They softly hugged at first and then their arms entwined around each other's bodies, tightening around each other. Her head was on his chest, shuddering with joyful sobs and his on her shoulder and neck, relishing in the softness of her skin against his cheek and her wonderful vanilla scent.

"Spike, I've missed you so much…I love you so much…You have to believe that, believe me." She choked.

"I do, luv and I love you too, never stopped, never will stop loving you, always and for eternity. Not even death could ever take that away from me or from you. You were my last thought before the fire came. It made the dying bearable."

They held onto each other like they would never let go. They didn't even notice that Angel had left them alone and closed the office doors behind him, essentially closing the chapter on his life with Buffy.

They loosened their embrace and looked into each other's eyes, wet and red rimmed, still unbelieving that this moment was happening to them. So much of what they had gone through the past year seemed so unreal. They then sat down in a love seat near a window, their hands still clasped, unwilling to let each other go.

"It killed me thinking that you didn't believe me at the end. That I had hurt you so much over the years that you doubted me or worse, that you thought I was hurting you again, torturing you with words you thought I didn't mean. You have to know that I'm so sorry it took me so long to realize it and especially to say it. I just didn't believe that anyone, demon or human, could love someone who had hurt them so much for so long and I had been so cruel…I ache when I think about all that I did to you. I couldn't understand why you could love me so unconditionally. I didn't deserve it…" Buffy babbled, wanting to say everything that she'd thought she'd never get to say and that were in her thoughts after he died. She didn't want to leave anything out.

"Buffy, pet, no, you deserve love more than anyone," Spike said, as he lifted her chin up to look up into her eyes, "I'm sorry too for letting you believe that I didn't think you meant it. I knew you did, felt it through the fire, sometimes stronger than it, it came through our touch. My soul was so open, your love just flowed through me. I died with joy from feeling that. I just couldn't risk you staying with me, dying with me. I couldn't let that happen. Would've put me in a hell worse than hell itself. I wanted you to live, more than anything, to have the life you deserved and desired. It was all I wanted for you, other than not dying and spending that life with you. I'm still a selfish bastard." Spike joked.

Buffy snorted a giggle, but got serious again.

"Spike, the only life I ever desired was one with you in it. When you died, everything I wanted out of life died with you, but now, you're really here and suddenly, I selfishly don't want to ever leave this moment, stay as we are now, scared that if we leave it, all of it will be gone again. But…" Buffy paused, her green eyes, still slightly rimmed with tears, but smiling brightly into his, "I also want to make up for all that I have done to you in the past. Make the rest of our lives together, however long that is, everything you deserve. To have a second chance like this, it has to mean something, mean that someone, some power believes you deserve more too…maybe in some way, feels that I deserve you…to have you make me a better person."

"I'm not a believer in higher powers, redemption, prophecies, never have been, pet. I've taken responsibility for all that I have done even when I was evil. I don't blame anyone for all of the retched, evil things I've done, the lives I've taken in the most heinous of ways. My soul reminds me daily, as it should, that I did all that, no one made me do it. I deserve the hell that awaits me at the end of my existence, expected it when I died, even came close to being sent there recently…long story…later…" Spike said, "For whatever reason I was spared death, spared hell, it wasn't because of anything I deserved. I know that. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason I am here is because of you. You saved me, have been saving me since the moment I met you."

"How do you do that?" Buffy said awed again by his words.

"Do what, luv?"

"Love so unconditionally?"

"I don't know how to answer that, sweetheart. It's the way I've always been. Never thought to question it. It is what it is."

They sat there, still holding hands. Both feeling uncertain, but joyful at the possibilities ahead. Second chances don't happen every day and soul mates seldom find each other, let alone twice in several lifetimes between them. They both knew they weren't going to waste it. They were going to love, live and care for each other. They were fated to be.

The End