Author’s Note: This is the Fifth part of my Chained To Fate series. There is one more part to go and it will be complete! The title, Parted and Broken Hearted, is from the song Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps by Cake.

Summary: Buffy and Spike have developed a shaky friendship. Buffy is still trying to cope with changes in her life, and Spike is trying to be supportive. But how will they remain friends when they both want so much more?

Rating: R

~You won't admit you love me

And so, how am I ever to know?

You only tell me, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

So if you really love me, say yes

But if you don't dear, confess

And please don't tell me, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… ~ CAKE

* * * * * * * * *

Buffy sat on her living room floor. She was surrounded by boxes and the only thing left in the room was the television and the couch. She had sold almost everything else that didn’t have any special meaning to her or Dawn. They needed to downsize considerably if they were going to fit everything into their tiny new apartment.

Willow had moved out that morning. In the end, she and Tara had decided to get back together. Willow was moving into her place. Buffy was really excited for the both of them. She was so glad that they had managed to work out their differences and find happiness again.

Dawn was spending the night with them so Buffy could finish some last minute things. and also Dawn said she wanted to help Willow settle in. Buffy sat silently looking around at the place that had been her home for six years. It seemed different now. Once her mom had died, it had never really felt like home anymore. Buffy realized that it was probably time to make a new home for Dawn and herself. A place with no bitter memories. A place where they could truly start everything over again.

But it was still sad for her. It was almost like saying goodbye to her mother all over again. But it was necessary. Buffy couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore. And it seemed like every time she turned around, something was breaking. It just wasn’t feasible anymore for her to live there.

She got up and went over to the mantle. She pulled a picture of her mother down and looked at it. She missed her so much. She felt herself getting a little teary and she wiped her eyes. Just then, she heard a knock at her door. She walked over and opened it.

“Spike?” She said, as she saw him standing on her front porch.

“Hey. I saw your light was on. Thought I’d say hi.” He said with a shrug.

Things between them were very awkward. They had been patrolling together almost every night since they had run into each other again. Neither one of them pushed for more than that. They were both afraid to say much of anything, for fear it would ruin the shaky relationship that they had built.

Buffy smiled at him.

“I was just packing up some things.” She told him.

“Yeah? You’ve been crying.” He pointed out observantly.

“Sort of.” She admitted.

“Did something happen?” He asked.

“No. It’s just a little sad, that’s all.” She explained.

“Right. I guess it would be.”

She suddenly noticed that he was still standing on her porch and she looked at him.

“You can come in if you want.” She told him.

He walked through the door and they went into what was left of the living room.

“Where’s Dawn?” He asked curiously.

“She’s with Will and Tara. Helping them settle in. If you ask me, she just wanted to get out of helping me pack.” Buffy said with a small smile.

“Probably right. You want me to help?” He offered.

“You don’t have to. It’s really kind of boring.”

“I don’t mind. But if you want me to go—.”

“No.” She said quickly. Then she realized she sounded a little to anxious. “I-I mean, whatever you want.”

He noticed her awkwardness and he had to admit he felt the same way. When he was with her now, he was never sure how he was supposed to act. Or what he should say. It felt worse than when she first came back and would come see him. At least then, things were less complicated. Now there was so much between them. It made it more difficult to act naturally.

He smiled at her.

“What should I do first?” He asked.

“Well, I was just packing away some of the pictures and stuff. You could gather them up, and I could just put them in a box.” She offered, pointing to the various pictures still on the walls.

He went over and started taking things off the walls for her. She watched him for a moment and smiled to herself. Sometimes he could be so normal. Times like this it was so easy to forget who he really was. Or who she really was. Times like this they were just two ordinary people.

He pulled a picture off the mantle and looked at it closely. He held it up and turned to Buffy.

“How old were you here?” He asked, noticing a picture of a very young Buffy and Dawn.

Buffy walked over and looked at it. She shrugged.

“I think I was about ten.”

“Cute.” He smiled at her.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“More like dork. Look at my hair. And that outfit? Ugh.” She said with a smile.

He laughed and shook his head.

“Well, you look better now. But still.” He said with a laugh.

“Thanks.” She said shaking her head.

“Is this your dad?” He asked, pointing at the man sitting in the background with a smile on his face.

“Yeah.” She said quietly, looking down at her feet.

“Sore subject?” He asked, noting her discomfort.

“A little. I haven’t heard from him in a long time. Not even when Mom died. Or when I died, apparently.” She said with a touch of bitterness.

“They didn’t tell him.” He pointed out quickly.

“What?”

“Your friends, they didn’t tell your father that you died. They didn’t tell anyone.” He admitted softly.

“Right because that robot was taking my place.” She said shaking her head.

The robot was still a touchy subject for him. He hated that he’d had it created in the first place. He never meant for it to actually replace her. But that’s exactly what had happened in the end. But it was never the same.

“You know that stupid bot couldn’t replace you. Not in a million years.” He said seriously.

“You seemed to think she could.” She said looking at him pointedly.

He felt like an idiot, and tried to hide his embarrassment. He lowered his head.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” He said softly.

“Yeah.”

“It didn’t work though. She still wasn’t you. No one else could be.” He told her.

“Lucky me. Sometimes I wonder if people liked the robot better.” She said softly.

“What? No.” He protested.

“I mean, she looked like me. And for the most part, did everything I do. Only she was pleasant and cheerful. And didn’t have any baggage.”

“Please. What’s interesting about that? I like your baggage.” He said with a smile.

“You like my baggage? You like that sometimes I’m completely insane? Or that I can be a total bitch? That’s interesting to you?” She asked incredulously.

“Well, it is. I mean, I never know what you’re gonna say or do next. And even though you tend to drive me crazy, I like it. It makes you…well, you.” He explained.

She thought about what he was saying and it made her smile. He wasn’t just trying to make her feel better. He was serious. He meant what he said. He loved her, faults and all.

“Thanks. I think.” She said with a small smile.

He smiled back and looked down at the picture again. Then he looked back up at her. He was curious about her life. Not just her life right now, but her past. The things that made her who she was.

“Why did your dad split?” He asked carefully.

She looked at him and her expression turned harder. It was obviously not a pleasant subject.

“I don’t know, really.” She shook her head.

“You think it was because of something you did, don’t you?” He asked intuitively.

“Maybe. I wasn’t exactly the easiest child to raise. My parents fought about me all the time. One day, he just left. You do the math.” She said bitterly.

“I’m sure it wasn’t because of you.”

“That’s what they tell me. But if I hadn’t of been the Slayer, I think my parents might still be together. Dawn would still have a real family.”

“You really think you broke up your family?” He asked.

“Well, they say tension can cause a marriage to fail. I was the source of that tension. So yeah.” She said with tears forming in her eyes.

“Well, if people can’t overcome a little tension and work things out, then they were doomed to begin with.” He said seriously.

He couldn’t help but think of the massive amounts of tension and pain he and Buffy had caused each other. And yet, here they were. Not together really, but not apart either.

She looked at him and pushed back the tears that threatened to fall.

“But if I had somehow been better—.” She whispered.

“No. Don’t even think that.”

“He used to visit me, you know? I used to spend the summer with him. But then he met someone else. I-I think she had kids too, maybe. Better kids…who weren’t the Slayer. I haven’t seen him since then.” She told him.

He saw the pain in her eyes and it hurt him. He knew that talking about this was probably not winning him any points with her. But he also sensed it was something that she needed to talk about. Something that she buried so deep, she wasn’t even aware of how much it affected her.

“Not all men leave because they find something better.” He said softly, not looking at her directly.

“Yes they do.” She whispered sadly.

“No they don’t.” He stated firmly.

“My father, Angel, Riley, Giles…They all leave. And it’s because of me. Because of something I did, or didn’t do. Or because I wasn’t good enough, or strong enough.” She said letting the tears fall at the truths that she believed for so long.

“If they really loved you, nothing would have made them go. If that’s why they left? Then you don’t need them.”

She looked up at him and saw the truth behind his eyes. The truth that there was still at least one man who had never left. One man she couldn’t get rid of, even when she wanted to. It was stirring that the one person without a soul, was the only one with a heart big enough to take her in.

“You’re still here.” She said quietly.

“I am.” He said moving over closer to her.

She looked up at him and felt her heart start to race. She wanted to kiss him right now. Kiss him until she couldn’t breathe anymore. And it wasn’t because she needed escape from the truth. It was because for the first time, she wanted to embrace the truth.

She moved a little closer and they were almost touching now. He stared down into her eyes.

“I won’t ever leave.” He whispered.

The air was thick between them. Even though breathing wasn’t necessary for him, suddenly Spike felt like he needed oxygen. They were standing so close, but he knew they were still worlds apart. She was sad right now. Vulnerable. He couldn’t start things with her like this again. Not now. Not yet. He backed away from her, and went over to the mantle again.

She felt herself deflate a little. The room grew quiet and finally Spike turned around to face her.

“We better get back to work. It’s getting late. You’ll never finish packing.” He said, changing the subject.

“Right. Um, I’m gonna go upstairs and get some more boxes.” She said, suddenly needing to leave the room.

He watched her go and he let out a sigh. He could kick himself for ruining the moment they had been sharing. He had wanted to kiss her more than anything. But if he had, everything would be different again. He feared that it would force her walls back up, and he would lose her. He couldn’t risk it. Not yet. He wanted to be sure that she wasn’t just using him to feel better this time. And until then, he would have to wait.

Buffy went into her room and sat down on the edge of the bed. She didn’t know what was happening. Every time she was near Spike, she felt her heart expanding. Growing just enough to let him in. And that terrified her. She wanted to keep things simple. She didn’t want to slip back into the darkness again. She kept telling herself that being friends was acceptable. Any more than that would only lead to pain. That’s why she continued to fight it. But it was getting harder.

Finally she walked downstairs with some more boxes in her arms. She found Spike stacking pictures neatly in one of the boxes. He looked up at her as she entered the room.

“I think I’ve got all the knick knacks and such. What do you want to do with all these magazines?” He asked her.

“Um, we can just toss them. They’re old.”

“No reason to toss something just because it’s old.” He smirked.

She smiled at him.

“If you want them, you can have them. Although I can’t see you sitting in your crypt reading Cosmo.”

He looked at the headlines on one of the magazines.

“Fifty ways to please your man.” He read aloud. Then he smirked. “Is this where you learned all your moves?” He joked.

“Shut up.” She said feeling embarrassed. “I learned all those moves myself. Well, except for that one thing…I mean, I never would have thought of that.” She said thoughtfully.

“Which thing?”

“You know…That thing. The one that you liked so much.” She said blushing.

“Oh, that thing. Yeah. I liked that.” He said thoughtfully.

She suddenly realized what they were talking about and shook her head.

“Oh my god…I can’t believe we’re talking about this.” She said surprised at how easily the mood had shifted between them.

“Here. Maybe you should just keep this one.” He said with a grin as he handed the magazine to her.

She took it and shoved it into a box without saying another word.

They spent the next hour packing up the remainder of her things. Finally, exhausted, Buffy lay herself down in the middle of the floor. Surrounded by boxes, Spike looked down at her.

“You hungry?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“You want to order something? Pizza? Chinese?” He inquired.

“Chinese sounds good. What about you? I don’t have any vampire cuisine, and they don’t deliver that.” She said with a smirk.

“I’m fine. I could go for some sweet and sour pork though.” He said with a smile.

“Get the phone.”

He went over and grabbed the cordless. He walked back over to her.

“What’s the number?” He asked.

“Are you going to order it?”

“Unless you don’t want me to.” He told her.

“No. Go ahead. The number is on the fridge.” She said, pointing to the kitchen.

“What do you want?”

“Orange chicken.” She told him.

He started for the kitchen.

“Oh, and some steamed rice.” She called out.

He walked a little further into the kitchen.

“Oh and a few spring rolls.” She said again.

He turned around looked at her with a smile.

“You’re gonna eat all that?” He asked with amusement.

“What? Am I being a pig?” She asked sheepishly.

“No. You gotta appreciate a woman with a healthy appetite.”

“I’m all slayer-y. It requires extra nourishment.” She said with a pout.

“Anything else, Slayer?” He asked her.

“Maybe some chow mien.” She said softly.

He just laughed at her and walked into the kitchen. He loved this. For tonight, they were like a normal couple. Except they weren’t a couple. And they weren’t normal. But right now, he wanted to believe that they were.

They both sat on the floor with food spread all around them. The delivery man had just dropped it off a few minutes ago. Buffy opened up her container of rice and set it in front of her.

“You didn’t have to pay for all this.” She said to him, as she took a bite.

“It’s alright. I didn’t mind.” He shrugged.

“Where did you get the money?” She asked curiously.

“What?”

“I’m just curious. I mean, are you still gambling and stuff?” She asked.

“Would that piss you off?” He asked raising his eyebrow.

She shrugged.

“No.”

“Well, then yeah.” He smiled.

“You know, maybe you should get a job.” She told him.

“A job? Right. Good one.” He said with a laugh.

“I’m serious.”

“Where am I gonna get a job? And why the hell would I want to?” He asked her.

“Never mind. It was stupid. You’re right.” She said shaking her head.

“You want me to put on a cow hat and take up your old job?” He joked.

“No. But I’d seriously pay to see that.” She smiled.

“Well, it’s never gonna happen.”

“I’m sure we could think of something you could do.” She said thoughtfully.

“Like what? Your personal butler or something?” He laughed.

“No.” She said shaking her head. Then she looked up at him. “I have an idea.”

“What is it this time? Grave robbing?” He joked.

She glared at him.

“No. That’s not even funny.”

“Sorry, it’s just your entrepreneurial ideas so far have been a little out there, even for me.” He explained.

“Well, if you don’t want to hear it—.”

“Alright. Tell me. What perfect job have you dreamed up for me?” He asked with a sigh.

“You’re good at fighting, right? Well, that must be a useful skill somehow.” She started to explain.

“You wanna start a demon fight club? Sounds interesting.” He told her.

“No, not a fight club. You could teach self defense.” She said with a proud smile.

“Self defense?”

“Yeah. See, I figure the people in this town could use a few pointers. You know, so that if they ever come across a baddie, they might have a fighting chance. We could do it together.” She said happily.

“Teach a class? Me and you?” He asked incredulously.

“Why not? I mean, you could be the attacker and I could fend you off.” She explained.

“Why do I have to be the attacker? Because I’m the vampire?” He asked huffily.

“No, because you’re the man. That’s how those classes work. Men are evil and women will rise above it all and kick their asses.” Buffy smirked.

“You aren’t actually serious about this, are you?” He asked her curiously.

“I’m just brainstorming.” She said dismissively.

“Well don’t hurt yourself.” He teased her.

“Shut up. I’d like to see you come up with a better idea.” She said giving him a pointed look.

“I liked the demon fight club idea.”

“No, it has to be something legal.” She protested.

“Legal? Where’s the fun in that?”

“Jobs aren’t supposed to be fun. They’re supposed to be work. See? I’ve learned that. If jobs were fun, then no one would look forward to their day off.” She said matter of factly.

“You have a point.” He agreed. Then he looked at her. “I could be a tour guide.”

“A tour guide? Of what?”

“I’d call it the Sunnydale crypt tour. A thrilling adventure through the finest cemeteries Sunnydale has to offer. Complete with a newly risen vampire dusting reenactment. That’s where you come in, Love.” He said with a smirk.

“Oh my god. That’s your idea?” She asked with a laugh.

“Sure. It’s like the Universal Studios tour. You know, where Jaws pops out and pretends to eat the people on the tour bus? Only this is with vampires. People love to be scared. They’d pay big money to be saved from a ‘pretend’ vampire attack.” He pointed out.

“Okay, you’re insane. Or possibly a genius. I haven’t decided.” She said, trying to stifle her laughter.

“Both, I suspect.” He laughed.

He watched her as she continued to laugh. She looked so beautiful when she was happy. He hadn’t seen her smile that much when they were together. It made him love her even more. Finally she stopped laughing and took a deep breath.

“I think maybe you were right. You don’t need a job.” She said shaking her head.

He smiled at her. Then he looked down at the food that was scattered in front of them. He picked up one of their fortune cookies and opened it up. He started chuckling to himself.

“What does it say?” Buffy asked.

“You will live a long and fruitful life.” Spike said with a grin.

“Well, I don’t know about the fruitful part…”

“Hey, my life is very fruitful.” He protested.

“You know, if you keep saying the word ‘fruitful’ it sounds really stupid. What the hell does fruitful mean anyway? Lots of fruit? Is that really a good thing?” She asked with a smile.

He laughed at her and shook his head.

“You’re funny.” He smiled at her sincerely.

She looked at him and realized that they were having a seriously normal dinner together. They were laughing and joking comfortably with each other. She was having such a good time, that it frightened her. She wasn’t supposed to be enjoying his company this much. She felt the need to leave the room and try and get herself back to reality for a minute.

“I’m gonna get something to drink. You want something?” She asked nervously.

“You have beer?” He asked.

“No. I have Coke.”

“That’ll do.”

She walked into the kitchen and gabbed two Cokes out of the nearly empty fridge. She went back into the living room and handed him his soda. She sat down across from him again.

“What does yours say?” He asked her.

“What?”

“Your fortune. Read it.” He said, handing her the cookie.

She sighed and cracked it open. She read the fortune to herself and then looked up at him.

“Look no further, happiness is right in front of you.” She read aloud.

He smiled at her.

“Good advice, don’t you think?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

She tossed the paper down.

“It’s just a stupid fortune. It’s not like it actually means anything.”

“Sure it does.”

“Right, and your life is full of fruit.” She said with a smirk.

He shook his head and laughed.

“Fine. You win.”

She looked at the clock and realized it was getting late. She had to get up early and get everything moved out. Even though she wasn’t tired, she was looking for an excuse for him to leave. Things were just getting too comfortable between them, and it was freaking her out. Plus, her stupid fortune had just been a little too convenient. Happiness right in front of her. And who was sitting in front of her? Spike. It was just a little too much for one evening.

She forced herself to yawn and looked at him.

“I’m tired. I’ve got a long day tomorrow.” She said hinting that it was time for him to go.

“Right. Is that my cue?” He asked.

“Sort of.”

“Alright. Wanna patrol tomorrow after you get settled in?” He asked trying to casual.

“No. I can’t. We’re having a sort of ‘moving in’ party. Just the gang.” She told him.

“Oh. Another time then.” He said, trying to disguise the fact that he was hurt not to be included as part of that gang.

“Yeah, another time.”

He got up and walked to the door. She followed after him. He opened it and turned around to look at her.

“Goodnight.” He said softly.

“Goodnight.”

He started to walk out and she called out after him.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“You could come to the party. I-if you want. I might need someone to help me move the furniture around.” She said with a small smile.

“Sure.” He said nodding his head.

“Okay. See you later.”

He smiled and walked down the steps. He heard her close the door behind him. He was a little saddened to think that this was the last time he’d be coming around this house. His favorite lurking tree was going to be useless now. Unless he planned to start watching the new family. Which he didn’t. There were a lot of memories in that place. It was the place he had gone when he was depressed about Drusilla breaking up with him. He had sat in that kitchen with Joyce and spilled his guts out. It was the coveted house that Buffy had banished him from, and then later reopened the doors for him.

Over the summer, he had spent countless hours there with Dawn. To the point it almost felt as if he belonged there. And it was the place where he saw Buffy alive for the first time. That stairway had been witness to one of his happiest moments. But now it was time to move on. It was symbolic in a way, he supposed.

Out with the old and in with the new. She had essentially already invited him into her new home. In his mind, it was almost like an invitation back into her life again. And possibly into her heart. Things were looking up for them, he thought. Tonight had been a welcome change. It was the first time she had allowed him to do anything other than fight demons with her. It was social and not business. That meant something to him. He suspected it meant something to her too.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Buffy stood in the middle of her new living room. Boxes were piled almost to the ceiling and her furniture was shoved into a corner. Her bedroom looked even worse. She realized now that she still had way too much stuff.

“Where do you want this bookshelf?” Xander asked her, as he attempted to come through the front door. The bookshelf was standing in his way.

“The roof? It’s about the only place it’s gonna fit.” Buffy said shaking her head.

“I could put it in Dawn’s room. I think there’s an empty wall in there.” Xander told her.

“Yeah, okay.” She said absently.

Xander motioned for one of his buddies from work to come help him from outside. They picked up the shelf and carried it into Dawn’s room. Two more of Xander’s construction friends walked through the door carrying a large chair.

“Where does this go, Betty?” One of them asked.

“It’s Buffy, and I have no idea.” She said, getting flustered at her lack of space.

This was worse than getting used to a dorm room. At least then, most of her stuff had stayed at home. She had only brought her bare essentials. Now it was like cramming her entire house into a dorm room. It just wasn’t going to happen.

The two guys shrugged and walked past her with the chair. Willow and Tara walked in with some boxes.

“What’s in those boxes?” Buffy asked.

Willow looked at the label.

“Books.”

“Want some books? You can have them. It’s not like I read anyway.” Buffy said sadly.

“What?” Willow asked.

“I have no more room. Look at this place?” Buffy said, sitting down on a stack of boxes.

Willow and Tara put their boxes on top of the others and went over to Buffy. Willow touched her on the arm.

“Garage sale? Next weekend?” She asked with a sympathetic smile.

Buffy smiled.

“I never knew I had this much stuff. And I even got rid of a ton of it.” She told them.

“You’ll get things organized.” Tara assured her.

“I guess.”

Xander walked out from the back of the apartment and looked at Buffy.

“Okay, Dawn’s room was a no go for the bookshelf.” He told her.

“Where is it?”

“The bathroom.” He said with a sigh.

“A bookshelf in the bathroom?” Buffy asked.

“It was either that, or on the balcony.” He pointed out.

“No. The recliner is on the balcony.” One of Xander’s friends pointed out as he walked through the room.

“Ahh!” Buffy cried.

“It’s okay. You know, maybe you can sit back and look at stars or something?” Tara offered her.

“Yeah. And while you’re in the bathtub, you’ll have plenty of books to read.” Willow said with a smile.

“That’s the last of the stuff.” One of the guys called out from outside.

“Oh thank God.” Buffy sighed.

“We’ve gotta get the moving truck back. We’ll be back later, okay?” Xander told her, as he patted her on the back.

“Yeah. We’re gonna go too. We need to get the food for tonight’s party.” Willow smiled.

“Good luck finding my kitchen.” Buffy said shaking her head.

“We’ll be back soon.” Tara said giving Buffy a hug.

It seemed in a matter of seconds, everyone was gone. Buffy slumped down on the edge of her couch. As she did, a mountain of boxes fell onto her head, then broke open all over the floor. She rubbed her head and looked at all the junk that had fallen out of the boxes. She was so stressed out, she was almost in tears.

“Buffy? Why is there a bookshelf in front of the toilet?” Dawn asked, peeking her head into the room.

Buffy just held her head in her hands and started to laugh. She wanted to cry, but the whole thing was so ridiculous, all she could do was laugh.

“Welcome to our new life.” She muttered as she shook her head. “So far, it’s not a whole lot better than the old one.”

* * * * * * * * *

That evening, everyone was milling around Buffy and Dawn’s new home. Space was very limited, and it was standing room only. Everyone was talking and eating the snacks that Willow and Tara had prepared. Buffy was trying to have a good time, but she was so preoccupied with the mess surrounding them, it was hard for her to relax.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Buffy attempted to answer it, but she was crammed in a corner across the room. Xander was closest to the door, and he went to open it. Spike stood there with a six pack of beer under his arm.

“Evening.” He said cordially, to his least favorite of Buffy’s friends.

“You found this place already? I guess Buffy didn’t move far enough away.” Xander said icily.

Spike stared at him, and tried to resist the urge to punch him. He smiled.

“She told me where she moved to.” He said calmly.

“Well, guess what? The locks have been changed. New place? Old invitations don’t stand.” Xander said, trying to get Spike to leave.

Before Spike could say anything that was appropriately rude, Buffy squished her way over to the door.

“Spike. You came.” She said with a smile.

His face lit up when he saw her.

“I said I would.” He told her with a grin.

They were both effectively ignoring Xander’s presence and it was irking him.

“You invited him?” Xander asked confused.

“Yes.” Buffy said a tad uncomfortably.

“Why?” Xander asked dumbfounded.

“Maybe because she wanted to.” Spike interjected.

“That can’t be it.” Xander said sarcastically.

“Stop it you two.” Buffy said getting irritated.

She had enough stress right now, she didn’t need this too.

“But—.” Xander started.

“Go. Over there.” Buffy said to him sternly, as she pointed across the room.

Xander glared at Spike and stalked off to where Anya was sitting on a box. Buffy looked back at Spike.

“Sorry about that.” She said sheepishly.

“Why didn’t you tell them I was coming?” He asked her.

“I-I didn’t really think about it.” She admitted.

“Well, no big deal.” He shrugged.

She stood there looking at him. She wondered if it had been a mistake to invite him. Spike hanging around all her friends, never seemed to work out well. It was like two worlds colliding or something. She and Spike were fine when they were alone, but around everyone else the pressure was on. He noticed her vacant stare and looked at her curiously.

“Do I actually get to come in? Or am I the door man for the evening?” He asked her.

“Oh. Right. Sorry. You can come in.” She said awkwardly.

He stepped through the door and into the tiny entryway. He handed her the beer he brought.

“It looks like you could use this.” He said, noting the cramped and chaotic atmosphere of the room.

“Maybe later.” She said with a small smile, as she set it on the kitchen counter.

They crammed their way into the room and Dawn came up to them.

“Spike. I haven’t seen you in a long time.” Dawn said with a grin.

“I’ve been around.”

“Welcome to our tiny home.” She said giving the place a disapproving glance.

“It’s not so bad.” Spike said with a shrug.

“Could I live with you?” Dawn asked jokingly.

“What?”

“Your crypt is actually bigger and nicer than this apartment.” Dawn said rolling her eyes.

“Hey. This was the best I could do.” Buffy said defensively.

She knew Dawn was joking, but it still pained her that Dawn hated the place. She hated it too, but there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

“Sorry. It’s just small.” Dawn said guiltily.

“I know.” Buffy groaned.

“It’s still better than the crypt. Trust me. I don’t have a balcony.” He said pointing to their sliding glass door, that led to the small balcony.

Dawn shrugged.

“I guess.”

Buffy suddenly felt claustrophobic in the tiny room. She looked at both of them.

“I’ll be right back.” She said quickly, as she walked to the back of the apartment.

Spike watched her walk away and sensed that she was feeling overwhelmed. A party, even if it was well intentioned, was probably the last thing she wanted now. He decided to try and talk with her friends. He headed for safer waters, and went over to Willow and Tara.

“Hey.” Tara said to him with a smile.

“Hello. Great party.” He said, trying to think of something normal and pleasant to say.

“Yeah.” Willow agreed.

“I-I think Buffy’s a little flustered, though.” Tara pointed out.

“Yeah. I picked up on that.” Spike agreed.

“I thought she was okay. I mean, a little stressed out, but okay.” Willow said to them.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine. It’s all new for her.” Tara explained.

“Where is she anyway?” Willow asked.

“She went back there.” Spike pointed down the hallway.

“She probably just needed a minute to herself.” Tara rationalized.

Buffy sat in her bathroom, in the bathtub, on a stack of boxes. She could hear everyone talking in the other room, and for the first time in awhile, she wanted to escape again. The reality of the new apartment, coupled with the sadness at losing her old home was really starting to hit her.

There was a knock at the door and she was startled out of her thoughts.

“Yeah?” She called out.

“You okay in there?” Spike asked her through the door.

“I guess.” She said unenthusiastically.

“Are you sick or something?” He asked concerned.

“Or something.” She complained.

He pushed the door open slowly, hoping that she wouldn’t get mad. Or that she wasn’t in a compromising position. He peeked his head in and didn’t see her. All he saw was a large bookshelf in front of the toilet and boxes stacked up along the wall.

“Where are you?” He asked.

“In the tub.” She said softly.

He smiled at that.

“Are you naked?” He asked, not able to help himself.

She yanked the curtain away from the bathtub and gave him an annoyed look. He saw her perched on top of the boxes, fully clothed and he started to laugh.

“What the hell is all that stuff?” He asked her.

“Didn’t you notice? This is my library. I know it looks like a bathroom, but that toilet? It’s just for show. It’s like modern art.” She said wryly.

“Well, I love it. It’s very…unique.” He smiled.

“This place sucks. I feel like I’m that old woman. You know? The one who lived in the shoe?” She said sadly.

“Well, she had too many children. You just have too much crap. There’s a difference.” He pointed out with a smirk.

She couldn’t help but laugh at that. He came over and sat on the edge of the tub and looked at her.

“It’s gonna be okay, you know. This place really isn’t so bad. You just need to get unpacked.” He said sincerely attempting to make her feel better.

“You need some stuff? I’ve got spare crap apparently.” She said pointing at all the boxes in the room.

“Maybe.”

She looked at him and smiled. She suddenly realized how glad she was that he had come tonight. She knew she was being a coward by leaving him out there, to the wolves, so to speak. She’d invited him and promptly disappeared to sulk in her bathroom/library. She just wasn’t sure she could deal with everyone’s disapproving comments and glances at her choice in party guests. That coupled with the stress and sadness of the move, was just a little overwhelming.

“I should probably go out and put on my happy face, huh? I mean, I guess I’m being a little selfish. Things could be worse. In fact, they have been. A lot worse. At least we aren’t living in a refrigerator box behind the Mini Mart.” She said trying to lighten her mood.

“Yeah, it could be worse.” He agreed.

“For awhile there, I was thinking of asking you if you knew of any vacant crypts. I was afraid we’d have to be neighbors.” She joked.

“That wouldn’t have been so bad. Short commute to work and all.”

She laughed and looked at him.

“I’m glad you came.” She said softly.

“You are?”

“Don’t let it go to your head or anything.” She said rolling her eyes.

He just offered her his hand and she took it. She stepped out of the tub and straightened her clothes. She took a deep breath and they headed back out into the living room.

Xander noticed them coming out from the back of the apartment together. He immediately felt himself getting irritated and nervous. He knew now that Buffy and Spike had had a little fling. But it was supposed to be over. Completely finished. He didn’t understand why Buffy invited him in the first place. And now they had disappeared together. Things weren’t looking good.

He walked over to them as they came into the room.

“Where were you guys?” He asked suspiciously.

“The bathroom.” Buffy said.

“Together?” Xander asked, giving Spike an icy look.

Buffy groaned and shook her head.

“I was sulking in the tub and Spike was just checking on me.” She tried to explain.

“You were in the tub? And what exactly was he checking? Your water temperature?” Xander asked her accusingly.

“Xander…” Buffy started to explain. Then she stopped herself.

She was tired of always feeling the need to explain herself and her actions. Worrying about what everyone else thought was one of her biggest problems. She was just too tired right now to care.

“What?” Xander asked, waiting for her explanation.

“Just shut up.” She said exasperated. She turned around and walked away from him. He could think whatever he wanted, she told herself.

Spike stood there with a smirk. Xander glared at him.

“What the hell were you two doing in there?” He asked angrily.

“What business is it of yours?”

“I saw what happened to Buffy the last time you two decided to get with the lovin’. I’m not letting you suck her back into that misery. Stay away from her.” Xander said getting into Spike’s face.

“You think I was the cause of Buffy’s misery? Think again.” Spike said irritated.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Part of her misery was because she was so afraid of what you and the rest of her so-called friends would think of us, that she felt like she had to become someone else just to be with me. Did you ever think about what your nasty judgments do to her?” Spike asked seriously.

“I don’t judge her. I love her. I care about what happens to her. And if she feels the need to throw her life away with something like you, I’m not gonna sit back and smile about it.” Xander told him heatedly.

“If you were a real friend, you would.” Spike pointed out.

“No. A real friend would want to help.” Xander said firmly.

“You wanna help? Then stop pressuring her to be what you want her to be. I’ve tried it. It doesn’t work.” Spike said seriously.

“I’m not pressuring her to be anything. I want her to be happy.” Xander protested.

“Even if it’s with me?”

Xander stared at him. He didn’t know how to respond. He just couldn’t fathom why Buffy would have any interest in Spike. He was a vampire. The thing she was supposed to kill. There was no logic behind it at all.

“You don’t make her happy.” Xander said finally.

“I can. And that’s more than I can say for you.” Spike said, as he pushed past him.

The conversation was over as far as he was concerned. Talking to Xander was like talking to a brick wall. Only a brick wall might be more reasonable. He loved Buffy, but her choice in friends was questionable. Not Tara though, he thought as he spied her in the kitchen with Willow and Buffy.

He walked over to them and grabbed one of the beers he brought. He popped it open and took a drink.

“You guys want one? I brought enough for everyone.” Spike offered the girls.

“Yes.” Buffy said with a stressed out look on her face.

She reached over to grab one and Willow stopped her.

“Buffy, remember? Beer bad? Beer makes you crazy?” Willow pointed out.

“Beer might make Buffy relax, Will.” Buffy said shaking her head.

“But—.” Willow started.

“Let the poor girl make her own decisions for a change, Red.” Spike said, disbelieving how controlling her friends could be sometimes.

“I’m just trying to help.” Willow said giving Spike an annoyed look.

“Buffy is a big girl. She can have a beer if she wants.” Spike said rationally.

“What? You wanna get her all liquored up like that one time? She came home puking her guts out.” Willow told him, remembering Buffy and Spike’s drinking binge months before.

“That wasn’t my fault.” Spike said defensively.

“Guys, stop it.” Tara intervened.

“Yeah, stop it. You know what? I already feel like puking my guts out. I don’t need the stupid beer.” Buffy said angrily as she stormed out of the kitchen.

Spike turned to Willow and glared at her.

“Happy now?” Spike asked Willow pointedly.

“Why are you even here? I thought you guys were over?” Willow asked him.

“Technically. But we’re still partners. I don’t see any of you taking time out of your busy schedules to help Buffy patrol anymore.” Spike said heatedly.

“She doesn’t need our help.” Willow told him.

“But maybe she still wants it. You ever think about that?”

“Okay, enough you two. Separate corners.” Tara interjected again.

“You know what? Forget it. I can see that I’m not welcome here. Have a nice party.” Spike said with hurt and anger.

He grabbed his beer and stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. Willow looked at Tara.

“He didn’t have to leave.” She muttered, feeling guilty.

“You weren’t giving him much of a chance.” Tara pointed out.

“I-I just don’t understand why he’s here. I thought Buffy wanted him out of her life. I mean, sure, they patrol. But this isn’t patrolling, this is a party.” Willow explained.

“Buffy obviously wanted him here or she wouldn’t have invited him.”

“Still…I don’t like it. Buffy’s finally starting to act more like herself again. And then here he is, trying to shove beer down her throat. He’s like some kind of Darth Vader. Buffy, come to the dark side.” Willow said dramatically.

“Willow, you know I love you, right?” Tara asked her.

“Of course. You’re my girl.” Willow smiled affectionately.

“Well, then listen to me. I didn’t see Spike doing anything but trying to have a good time. He wasn’t forcing Buffy to drink beer. Maybe she wanted one? It’s not a crime the last time I checked. I don’t think it means he’s trying to drag her to the dark side.” Tara tried to explain seriously.

“But, when he’s around, Buffy acts different. If it’s not him making her all weird, then what is it?” Willow asked.

“Maybe Buffy is just different period? I don’t think it has anything to do with Spike.” Tara said sincerely.

“Right. I forget you’re the Buffy expert these days. She confides everything to you.” Willow snapped irritated.

“The only reason she talks to me is because I’m an outsider. She’s afraid to talk to you or Xander because she’s afraid that you guys won’t be her friend anymore. She thinks that if she told you what she feels, you guys couldn’t handle it. Or you wouldn’t want to.” Tara told her.

“But that’s ridiculous.” Willow protested.

“But that’s the way she feels. Judging her choice in party guests or beverages is only fueling that fire.” Tara said pointedly.

“I wasn’t judging.”

Tara just looked at her. Willow realized that Tara wasn’t completely off base with her observations. She looked down at her feet.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to be all judge-y. I was just trying to help.” Willow admitted softly.

“I know.” Tara said giving Willow a hug.

“You think I’m a terrible friend?” Willow asked sadly.

“No. Of course not. You’re the best friend anyone could want. Just back off a little bit. Buffy is still going through an awful lot. I think she just needs a little space.” Tara told her.

“Alright.” Willow whispered.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Much later that night, after everyone had finally left, Buffy sat out on her tiny balcony. It was more of a patio, she realized. They were on the ground floor, so the balcony really consisted of a slab of concrete with a wooden wall around it. But if she leaned back in the recliner and looked at the stars, it felt bigger and higher up. She could try and pretend she was living in a penthouse suite instead of a crappy apartment.

Tonight had been a disaster. She was so mentally and physically exhausted from everything she felt like she could sleep for a year. But when she had tried to lay in bed, sleep alluded her. The room felt wrong. It wasn’t her room. It was a strange place, and all her things were still in boxes. It didn’t feel safe or comforting. It didn’t feel like home. So she had gotten up and gone outside. At least the stars were the same here as they were at her old house, she thought to herself.

Suddenly her senses stirred. She moved her gaze from the night sky to the top of the balcony wall. She saw Spike standing there, peeking his head over.

“Are you some kind of peeping Tom, now?” She asked him.

“I was just passing—That story’s not very convincing anymore, is it?” He stopped himself from finishing.

“It never was.”

“Alright then, I was just coming by to see how you were after your wonderful party.” He said with a touch of sarcasm.

“Yeah, it was a great party.” She said rolling her eyes. Then she looked at him seriously. “You never said goodbye.” She told him softly.

“I know. Sorry about that.”

“I should have known better than to think you and my friends could actually get along.” She said disappointed.

“Just so you know, it wasn’t my fault.” He said quickly.

“I know. They just don’t like you.” She told him.

He was a little taken aback at her bluntness. It’s not that it wasn’t true, it just hurt him that she apparently cared so much what they thought of him.

“I picked up on that. But you like me though, right?”

“I might not be the best judge of character.” She said shrugged.

“Why don’t you just tell them all to go to hell, and let you live your own life?” He asked seriously.

“Right. Like I can just do that.” She scoffed.

“Why couldn’t you?”

“Because. I just can’t.”

“But why? Why do you let them tell you what to do?” He asked, not understanding.

“I don’t let them tell me what to do. But I care what they think.” She told him.

“Why would you?”

“Let’s just stop talking about this, okay?” She asked, not willing to face the subject of her friends right now.

“Fine. What else you wanna talk about?”

She just looked up at him and shrugged.

“You want me to leave?” He asked.

“No. You can stay.”

He smiled at her and nodded. He jumped up and pulled himself over the ledge. He landed on a pile of boxes and lost his balance. He went tumbling to the ground at her feet. He looked up at her and shook his head. She couldn’t help but start giggling.

“That was graceful.” She said with a grin.

“It made you smile, at least.” He said, picking himself up and brushing his clothes off.

“Sorry about all the crap.” She said indicating the now smooshed boxes.

“I hope I didn’t break anything important.”

“You mean the boxes or on yourself?” She asked.

“Both.” He said, rubbing his shoulder.

He sat down on the boxes across from her. Their knees were touching in the cramped quarters. She looked at him for a moment and the air seemed to get thick between them again. Finally she looked away and up towards the stars again.

“Do you think that this place will really feel like home eventually?” She wondered aloud.

“I’m sure it will.” He reassured her.

“Things are just so different now.”

“Think of it as a new start.”

“I’m trying to. But I was just getting used the old start again.” She complained.

“Things have a way of working out in the end. Sometimes the things that we initially hate, turn out to be the best thing that could ever happen.” He said thoughtfully. “You might not like it here now, but it could grow on you. It probably feels strange to be in a place that’s not familiar. That doesn’t mean it’s the wrong place. It’s just different.”

His statement had a multitude of meanings and he knew it. So did she. The whole apartment transition was just another metaphor for her life. Her life felt uncomfortable now. It felt unfamiliar and scary. Just like leaving the safety and comfort of her family home. It was almost like leaving Heaven again. In leaving her house, she was also effectively leaving the past behind. The comfort of familiarity.

All the dreams she had in that house were gone now. It was time to have new dreams and aspirations. But she was terrified of that. Things had changed so much in the last few months, it was still hard for her to grasp. She was trying. She really was. But full acceptance wasn’t coming as easily as she hoped. Maybe it would just take a little more time.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The next few weeks passed by quickly. With Dawn’s help, Buffy had managed to get their new place in order. Things were still a little cramped but they were dealing with it. It was starting to feel like a home to both of them. Buffy realized that even though the place was smaller and different, all of their important stuff still had its place. Kind of like her life.

Tonight she was at her job, folding some t-shirts for a display. She kept looking at the clock, wondering if it would ever be time for her to leave. She liked her job, but she had come in early to cover for someone else. She’d been working for almost ten hours now and she was exhausted. Sometimes she wondered how a person could get so worn out just standing in one spot all day. There were times when she slayed all night long, and never felt exhausted like this.

She was lost in thought and didn’t notice the person standing in front of her.

“Which one of these do you like best?” Spike asked her.

She looked up at him, startled to hear his voice. He was holding two blouses up in front of her. He waited expectantly for her answer.

“What are you doing here?” She asked him.

“I’m shopping.”

“For who? This is a woman’s clothing store.” She pointed out.

“I was going to buy something for a friend. A girlfriend.” He said with a smirk.

“A girlfriend?” She asked, feeling her stomach drop just a little.

“Just a friend who happens to be a girl. Not a girlfriend. Well, not yet anyway.” He added with a small smile.

She stared at him with surprise and tried to hide her hurt feelings. She knew that he was completely free to do whatever he wanted. Or to see whomever he wanted. It still bothered her immensely.

“Oh.” Was all she could say.

“So which one is better?” He asked again, holding the blouses up for approval.

“Why are you asking me?”

“You work here, don’t you? Isn’t that your job to help the customer make decisions?”

“Right. I work here.” She said absently.

He noticed the annoyed and conflicted look on her face. He didn’t understand what was wrong with her. Then it dawned on him that she hadn’t understood what he meant by it being a present for a girl. Someone he hoped would be a girlfriend. He was talking about her, but clearly she thought he meant someone else. He was going to set things right with her, but then he changed his mind. He wanted to see just how much it bothered her.

“So, which one do you think she’d like?” He asked again, deliberately being deceiving.

She tried to hide her disgust and looked at the blouses again.

“The pink one.” She said with an uncomfortable sigh.

“Right then. The pink one. I’ll take it.” He said with a smile.

She took the blouse out of his hand and walked it to the register. She didn’t realize how much it would bother her to know that he might be involved with someone else. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she always assumed that he still belonged to her. It was unfair, she knew. She had continued to push him away romantically, and yet she still didn’t want anyone else to have him. Either way, she was irritated at him for coming to her store to buy a gift to woo some other girl.

She rang the purchase up and gave him an icy stare.

“You want this on your gold card, or will it be cash?” She asked snidely.

He smirked and handed over some money.

She grabbed it and finished the sale. She stuck the blouse in the bag, and flung it on the counter. He noticed that she was quite upset and was taking it out on his purchase. He felt a small twinge of guilt for deceiving her. He hadn’t intended to, but once the ball started rolling, he did nothing to stop it.

“Something wrong?” He asked.

“No.”

“Are you pissed at me?”

“No.” She said again, unconvincingly.

“You wanna meet later for a patrol?” He asked her.

“Won’t you be busy with your new girl?” She asked him harshly.

“I hope so.” He said giving her a seductive glance.

Things between them were so blurred right now. He felt their attraction grow stronger every day. It had never gone away completely. It never could. And yet, she still insisted that they were nothing more than partners. Tonight, he knew that it wasn’t true. She still wanted him. He knew it before, but now this was confirmation.

She just stared at him coldly. She was furious at him for coming in here and trying to make her jealous. And even more furious at herself, because it had worked. He smiled at her and turned around. He started to walk away. She looked down and saw his bag still lying on the counter. She picked it up.

“You forgot your bag.” She called out after him.

He turned around and smiled at her again.

“Keep it. It was for you anyway.” He admitted.

“What?” She asked dumbfounded.

“It was for you.” He clarified.

She stared at him incredulously. He not only came here to deliberately make her jealous, he lied about it.

He turned around and walked out of the store. She held the bag and stared after him. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to kiss him or kill him. But then again, that’s how he made her feel most of the time.

* * * *

Buffy left work and walked outside. Spike was out in the parking lot waiting for her. She was still angry that he had tricked her. She hated that she had fallen for his stupid little game. She deliberately walked right past him, trying to ignore him. He sighed and followed after her.

“Buffy, where are you going?” He asked her.

“I’m going home.” She said harshly.

“Why? I thought we were going to patrol?”

“No.”

“Why are you so pissed off?” He asked curiously.

“Why? Because of this.” She said holding up the bag with the blouse in it.

“You’re pissed because I bought you something? You really are a very hard woman to please.” He said irritated.

“I’m not mad because you bought it. But why’d you have to make me think it was for some other girl? Were you trying to make me jealous?” She asked angrily.

He looked at her and smirked.

“Why would I want to do that? You’ve made it clear that we aren’t anything other than partners in slaying. Why would you be jealous?”

“I’m not.” She said quickly.

“You sure seem to be.” He pointed out.

“Well, I’m not.” She lied.

“Fine. Why are you so mad then?”

She looked at him and said nothing. She had been jealous. Really jealous. And it made no sense. She thought she was happy with the way things were between them. Partners and friends. Someone to talk to when she needed it, and someone strong to back her up when she was slaying. That’s all it was supposed to be. That’s all she wanted, she told herself. But realizing how upset she had gotten tonight over something so stupid had surprised her a little. Finally she spoke.

“I’m mad because you tricked me.”

“I didn’t trick you. I was trying to be coy. I figured you’d realize right away I was talking about you.” He told her.

“Well, I didn’t. And you knew I didn’t. But you kept going. Were you trying to hurt me?” She asked sadly.

He felt guilty immediately. He didn’t ever intend to hurt her. He just thought maybe she’d wake up a bit. Maybe admit that she still wanted him for herself. He hadn’t intended to be cruel.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“Then what were you doing?” She asked.

“I was trying to buy you something.”

“Why?”

“Because I just thought it might make you happy. Then when I realized you thought it was for someone else, I decided to play along. I wanted to see if maybe you still cared.” He admitted softly.

She didn’t know what to say to that. She had cared. Too much. But she was afraid to admit that openly to him. She wanted to just drop the entire thing and forget about it. She decided to try and shift the subject rather than admit that he had been right about her feelings.

“I’m also mad because if I’d of known it was for me, I would have picked the purple one.” She said with a half smile.

He chuckled at her and shook his head.

“Oh, so I see. You picked an ugly shirt because you thought the gift was for someone else?” He asked with amusement.

“No. It’s not ugly. It’s just…The purple one was more my style.” She explained.

“Well, you can exchange it.” He offered.

“Thanks.” She said quietly.

“Your welcome.”

She could feel the tension in the air between them. He knew now that her feelings were stronger than she wanted to admit. And she knew that he was aware of those feelings. It complicated everything all over again. It was time to try and push it aside and get back to business. She stepped away from him.

“If you wanna patrol, we should get going.” She said interrupting their moment.

“Right.” He said, as he backed away from her further.

They started walking towards the cemetery together. Neither one said a word. Buffy was hoping for a busy night of slayage so she could pretend that none of this other stuff had happened. Things in her life were shaky enough. She couldn’t complicate them further by walking back into the same trap as she had before. No matter what she felt, Spike and her couldn’t be anything other than friends.

They ran into a few vampires and took them out fairly quickly. For once, Buffy wasn’t really into slaying. Her mind was elsewhere and she was still exhausted from working an extra long shift at the store. They found themselves outside of Spike’s crypt. They had made a quick stop there earlier and Buffy had left her backpack and her bag there.

They walked inside and she went to get her stuff.

“I’m so tired.” She complained.

“You look a little beat.” He noticed.

“I totally fought like crap out there tonight. It’s a good thing they were easy to take down.” She said rubbing her shoulder.

“Did you get hurt?” He asked her.

“A little. It’s no big. I think I just pulled a muscle or something.” She said, trying to loosen it up.

“Sit down.” He said as he went over to her.

She sat down on his couch and sunk back into the cushions. She was almost afraid she’d never get back up again. He sat down next to her and put his hands on her shoulders. She felt him start to massage her sore muscles. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the way his strong hands felt on her body. He worked his way up to the back of her neck and she let out a small contented sound.

“That feels nice.” She murmured softly.

He smiled at her.

“You feel really tense.” He said leaning into her ear.

“I am.” She whispered.

“Why?”

She opened her eyes for a moment and glanced over her shoulder at him. She wanted to say that he made her tense. Her feelings for him made her tense. But she turned away from him again and closed her eyes.

“I just had a long day.” She said finally.

He continued to rub her shoulders and her neck, as he moved closer to her. His chest was now pressed up against her back. He moved his hands from her shoulders and massaged his way down her arms. At this point his face was in her hair and his arms were wrapped around her. He inhaled deeply the scent of her shampoo and closed his eyes. He had almost forgotten how beautiful she smelled. Even after a whole day of working and slaying, she still smelled sweet.

She melted into his arms and leaned back into him. She was lost in the sensation of the moment. Her tension was drifting away and she couldn’t deny how much she had missed being in his arms. It felt so good and so right. This was the comfort she had been missing these last few months.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. Instinctively, she moved her head around to meet his lips with her own. He kissed her softly. The taste of her on his tongue awakened his senses. The part of him that had died when they separated, was slowly coming back to life.

She turned around fully and wrapped her arms around his neck. Their kiss grew deeper as the passion that had been stifled for so long, threatened to burst. Her hands ran down his chest and she could feel the tautness of his muscles underneath his shirt. She felt herself growing excited. His hand gently moved around to cup her breast and he caressed her softly. She moaned into his kiss, and he eased her back onto the couch. This was what they’d both been longing for. Everything felt perfect again.

That was until Buffy finally realized exactly what she was doing. The sense of safety and calm that had settled over her, disappeared in a flash. It was replaced by confusion and a blind panic. She broke their kiss and pushed him away from her.

“Stop it. We can’t do this.” She said firmly, as she stood up from the couch.

“What? Why?” He looked at her confused. His lips still burned from their kisses.

“Because. We just can’t. You know that.” She said, grabbing her bag and heading for the door quickly.

She needed to get out of there before she did anything else she’d regret. She felt herself slipping. She couldn’t allow herself to act on these feelings that still felt so wrong to her. So wrong, and at the same time, so right.

He stood up and followed her to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob to stop her from leaving.

“Don’t run away. What’s wrong with you?” He asked, not understanding why she was freaking out.

She didn’t answer him, and wrenched his hand off the doorknob. She walked quickly out into the night. He ran after her and grabbed her arm. He swung her around and saw that she had tears in her eyes. He released her arm quickly and looked at her.

“Buffy, I don’t understand.” He said quietly.

“Spike, you know we can’t do this. Nothing has changed.” She said tearfully.

“Everything has changed.”

“No. It hasn’t. We are partners. Friends. It can’t ever be more than that.” She stated firmly.

“Why do you keep doing this?” He asked irritated.

“Doing what?”

“Drawing me in and then pushing me away again. Every time we get close to something good, you stop it.” He said completely frustrated and confused.

“It has to be that way. Don’t you get it?” She asked desperately.

“No. Obviously, I don’t get it.”

“I let you back into my life as my partner. That’s all it will ever be.” She stated firmly.

“I don’t accept that.” He said shaking his head.

“You have to.”

“No. I don’t. Listen to yourself. You know we’re not friends. After everything we’ve shared together, we can never be just friends.” He told her.

“We have to be.” She said sadly.

“Well, I don’t want to be.” He told her seriously.

“What?” She asked confused.

“I don’t want to be just your friend. I can’t.” He admitted.

“So we’re back to this again? You don’t want me around unless you’re getting some action? You said we could be partners and nothing more. You’re the one that said that!” She shouted at him angrily.

“Yeah, well, you’ll remember that I also said I was a liar.” He pointed out heatedly.

“Fine. This is just great. So the whole friendship thing was a lie? Another trick to weasel yourself back into my pants?” She asked furiously, with tears in her eyes.

“No. The friendship wasn’t a lie. I am your friend. But I want more than that. I want it all.” He explained.

She just looked at him completely crushed. She thought that things were okay between them. He seemed satisfied with what they shared. She assumed that he would always accept whatever it was she offered him. But now she just felt betrayed.

“I want it all, Buffy. And so do you. That’s what you don’t get. You want it too.” He said firmly, trying to get through to her.

“No.” She shook her head.

“Then look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t want to be with me tonight. Tell me you didn’t want me to make love to you in there.”

“That’s not the point.” She protested.

“Yes! It bloody well is the point!” He shouted at her with frustration. “If I thought that you truly didn’t want me, then I could accept it. But it’s not true. Every second we’re together, you’re fighting your attraction for me. You think I don’t feel it?”

“Just because I’m still attracted to you, doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t mean I want to be with you. It just means that for some strange reason, I can’t stay away from you. I’m weak and stupid and I can’t stop myself.” She said tearfully.

“Did you ever consider that the reason you can’t stop yourself is because you don’t want to? Or that the reason you can’t stay away, is because you love me just as much as I love you?” He asked her desperately.

She looked at him and tried to wipe away her tears. His words hit her like a freight train, and it showed. Deep down she knew he was right. Hearing him say it out loud, scared her.

“I can’t…” She trailed off in a whisper. She didn’t know what she was going to say. I can’t love you. I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. None of those phrases would have been the truth. So she instead she fell silent.

“You can’t let yourself be happy. That’s what you were going to say.” He finished her sentence for her.

“That’s not what I was going to say.” She whispered.

“Well, that’s what you should’ve said, because it’s the truth. Being with me makes you happy. It always has. Even before. You were just too screwed up to deal with it. So you tried to make yourself into some kind of monster, just so it would make sense to you. Just so you could justify it. But it still didn’t work. It made you more miserable. Because even then, you wouldn’t admit it.” He told her heatedly.

She felt her tears falling again at the harsh truth of his words. She had no response.

“You thought that leaving me behind would miraculously make you a better person. Happier and complete. But it didn’t. Because something was still missing. And that was me. So you allow me back into your life, on your terms. And you try to pretend that it’s enough. But it’ll never be enough. You’ll never be happy unless you want to. Your friends didn’t ruin your life and I didn’t ruin your life. You ruined your life.” He said bitterly.

He had had more than enough of her games. He loved her, but he was tired of living a lie. He’d crawled for her and begged for her. He’d done anything she asked him to because he wanted to cling to whatever crumb she would throw his way. It had to end now. Either she wanted him or she didn’t. She had to make a clear choice. He was tired of not knowing where he stood with her. He felt he’d been patient long enough. He’d given her space and time to figure out what she wanted. He told himself that if she really seemed happier without him in her life, he’d walk away and leave her alone. But he knew that wasn’t the case. She was still unhappy. And it wasn’t because he was there, it was because she still couldn’t accept why he was there. She couldn’t accept why she refused to let him go.

“I didn’t ruin my life. I tried to make it better.” She whispered sadly.

“Is it? Is it really better now?” He asked seriously.

“I don’t know.” She said confused.

“Well, then tell me what you do know.”

She looked up at him and shook her head.

“All I know is that being with you is wrong. I’m the Slayer. I’m not supposed to be with you. And you aren’t supposed to be with me. That’s what I know.” She told him.

“You’re not willing to look past that? You’d rather be miserable than to get past that?” He asked incredulously.

“How the hell do we get past that, Spike? Huh? We are enemies! Not friends, not partners, not lovers. We’re enemies! It was meant to be like that. Nothing can change it!” She shouted at him with frustration.

“You can change it. And until you do, this is over.” He said seriously.

“What?”

“You heard me. You think fate made us enemies? You think fate keeps us apart? Fate is what brought us together. It’s you that keeps us apart.” He told her.

She stared at him silently. She knew everything he said was true. It was her that was stopping this. Nothing but her. And yet she couldn’t help but feel that if she allowed herself to accept that truth, the whole universe would turn on it’s ear and explode. She’d always believed that to be with him went against everything that was natural and right. Now he was saying that being without him was the unnatural thing. She was impeding what was meant to be. And yet she was paralyzed with fear to the point she couldn’t form words.

He took her silence to mean that she still didn’t get it. He lowered his head and looked away from her.

“I love you. You know I do. But I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” He said quietly.

He turned around and walked away from her. She watched him disappear back into his crypt and slam the door loudly. She stood there completely numb with grief and confusion. He had walked away from her. She never thought she’d see that day. She thought he’d always be in her life. Now she realized how completely selfish she had been. She wanted him in her life, but on her terms.

She got to say how far it went, or how long it lasted. She told him when he wasn’t needed anymore. And then she’d seek him out again when she needed comfort or help. Nothing had changed since the last time they were together. She’d never stopped using him. The only difference now was that it was him who’d had walked away. The tables had turned on her. She couldn’t just snap her fingers and expect him to give her what she needed. She had to think about what he needed too. And as startlingly painful as that was, she knew they both needed the same thing. Each other.

Love Had Challenged Me To Stay

~ If you can't make your mind up

We'll never get started

And I don't wanna wind up

Being parted, brokenhearted…~CAKE