Might Have Been
Fanfiction
-My Fics
-Collaborations
-Other Buffy/Spike Fics
-Series
-Challenges
-Non Buffy/Spike Fics
History
Links
Link to Me
Updates
Awards Won
Back to Main
E-mail Hilary
Jac@blackplumes.freeserve.co.uk
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I merely borrow.
Summary: Continuing the series Might Have Been. Set during ‘Doomed’. What might have happened if Dawn had been around at the time.
“…Can’t go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let’s find her! She is the chosen one after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr, nasty! Let’s annihilate them, for justice and the safety of puppies and Christmas right? Let’s fight that evil. Let’s kill something. Oh come on!”
Xander, Willow and Dawn watched as Spike resumed his restless pacing.
“I think I preferred suicidal Spike.”
“Xander!”
“What? I’m saying there’s a Spike I like. That’s a good thing.”
Dawn sat up and frowned at Willow and Xander. “Uh, what’s going on?”
Spike stopped pacing and turned back to Dawn. “Nothing Nibblet.”
“What do you mean suicidal? What do they mean suicidal?”
“Dawn…”
“You were going to dust yourself?”
“Well…”
“And you didn’t say goodbye? You didn’t even leave a note!”
“I did.”
“No you didn’t.”
“What d’you know about it Harris? It’s right here.” Spike pulled a small white envelope out of the back pocket of his jeans and waved it at the three seated on the couch.
“Well?” Dawn asked holding out her hand.
“Well what?”
“Give it to me.”
“Huh?”
“It’s for me isn’t it?”
“But I didn’t kill myself.”
“So?”
“Little Bit…”
“Well if you won’t let me have it, you’ll have to read it to me.”
A sly grin spread across Xander’s face and he casually placed his feet on the table in front of him and folded his arms, making himself comfortable. “Yes Spike. Share with us.”
“Share what with us?”
Spike turned from glaring at Xander, to see Buffy standing at the bottom of the basement steps. “Slayer! Good. Patrol time? Please!”
Buffy shook her head as she moved slowly across the room to her friends. “We just saved the world. We get a week off from the slaying. We rest. Sometimes we boogie.”
Willow raised her hand. “All those for rest?” Dawn, Xander and Buffy raised their hands. “Carried.”
Buffy fell onto the couch next to Dawn and looked from her friends to the blonde vampire and back again. “So what is going on?”
Xander grinned evilly in Spike’s direction. “Deadboy junior is about to read us the suicide note he left Dawn.”
“I bloody am not!”
“But he’s still alive,” Buffy pointed out. “Sort of.”
“Exactly.”
“I told you he was about to…”
“Right,” Buffy nodded, remembering what Willow had told her at the school. She frowned at Spike. “And you left a note?”
“Just for me.”
“Just for Dawn,” Xander repeated, not even bothering to hide his glee.
“And I want to know what it says.”
“And so do I.”
“Harris I swear to God…”
“Which means so much…”
The Slayer waved her hands to quiet them. “I think we should vote on it.”
“Buffy…”
“All in favour?” Buffy, along with Xander and Dawn, raised her hand.
The young man frowned at his best friend. “Willow!”
“No Xander, it’s private.”
“Thank you,” Spike smiled gratefully at Willow who shrugged.
“You’re still outnumbered. Get reading blondie.”
“Do you have any idea how much I hate you?”
“Slightly less than I hate you. Read.”
“Fine. It says, ‘Dawn, I can’t bear this anymore. Don’t hate me too much. Spike.’”
“That’s it!” Buffy shouted after a moment’s silence. “That’s all you have to say? That’s your personal stuff?”
“Well… Yeah.”
“What about me?” Xander demanded and Spike turned to him exasperated.
“What about you?”
“You didn’t mention me.”
“I hate you.”
“Not enough to write it down.”
“Guys,” Dawn interrupted the bickering and walked over to hug her friend. “Thanks Spike.”
“Don’t mention it sweet thing.”
“Can I keep the letter?” she asked innocently and Spike, noticing that Buffy, Willow and Xander were now ignoring them, smiled down at her. “Yes. But lets just keep it between the two of us. Please?”
****
As soon as Dawn returned home that night she threw herself onto her bed and ripped open the envelope Spike had given her. As she pulled out the neatly folded piece of white paper, covered in beautiful tiny writing, some thing else dropped out of the envelope onto her comforter. Frowning, she picked up the silver skull ring of Spike’s, that had adorned Buffy’s ring finger a couple of weeks previously while they had been ‘engaged’.
She slipped the ring onto her own finger and settled back to read Spike’s final words to her.
Dawn
This is my third attempt at writing this. I haven’t written a letter in so long, I’m having a little trouble getting it right.
I really don’t know what to say to you. I didn’t want to leave you with nothing. So you have this letter and coat, if the Slayer doesn’t burn it. You’ll grow into it eventually.
You’re going to hate me. That’s the part I regret most. That you’re going to hate me and call me names. That I’m going to cause you pain and make you cry.
But I can’t go on like this. I don’t like what’s happening to me. I’m over a hundred years old. I’m getting set in my ways. Maybe this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done but…
I’m wearing Harris’ shirt Dawn.
I know that’s not a very good reason for suicide – well it IS a good reason actually, it’s a bloody awful shirt – but this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
And maybe I wasn’t happy the way I was either, but I think that just proves how pathetic my unlife is. You know I can’t remember the last time I was happy… Oh. Yes, I can. But we’re forbidden from talking about that aren’t we?
You’re going to be the only one who mourns my passing, which is why you’re the only one getting a letter. Drusilla will know – the bond between Sire and Childe is strong – but I doubt she will grieve. She was never mine as I was hers. She may come back though. You’ll have to warn Buffy about that. And tell her not to underestimate her. Buffy’s never fought Dru at full strength. She looks a lot weaker than she is. And don’t look into her eyes!
What do I say now? I’m sorry? I said to the end of the world and this clearly isn’t it.
You have a lot of people who love you and they’ll protect you from anything that comes along. You have to promise me you won’t try and fight them too much when it comes to the important stuff. Losers they may be, but they know what they’re doing.
Stay near to Harris. If you ever tell him I said this I WILL haunt you, but the kid’s got guts. He won’t let anything happen to you. He can be a wanker sometimes (remember what I said about swearing?), possibly all the time, but if Buffy’s not there, or Willow, or Giles, listen to Xander.
Keep an eye on Red. She’s a sweet girl, but she’s powerful and if you don’t all start to recognise that one day she’s going to explode and it’s not going to be pretty. She’s careless and reckless, and while she may be well-intentioned, she does tend to believe she knows what’s best for everyone. It’ll lead to trouble if you’re not careful.
Say goodbye to your mum for me. She’s a real lady, and she always treated me with respect, which is something I don’t get a lot of. Take care of each other.
Are you waiting for me to confess my undying love for big sis now? It’s not going to happen sweetheart. To tell the truth, I don’t know what I feel about her. Sometimes I hate her more than anything, sometimes… It’s too late now anyway. She’s got Captain Cardboard and I’ve got an appointment with a sharp piece of wood. Tell her… tell her it was the best dance of my life. And give her the other thing in the envelope. You can both read into it whatever you want.
I think that’s all Nibblet. I’m going to miss you. Spare me a thought now and again.
All my love
Spike