Author’s Note: The second part of Chained To Fate. The title comes from the song Closer by Nine Inch Nails. Again, it’s not a song fic, more of a mood setter.

Summary: Buffy is slipping further and further into darkness. Even Spike isn’t sure of who she is anymore. She’s completely moving out of the world they shared together, and into her own world. A place so dark, that Spike fears he is losing her altogether.

Rating: NC-17

Chained To Fate

Help Me Become Somebody Else…

~You can have my isolation, You can have the hate that it brings

You can have my absence of faith, You can have my everything

Help me, tear down my reason, Help me, its your sex I can smell

Help me, you make me perfect, Help me become somebody else…~ NINE INCH NAILS

* * * * * * * * * * *

Buffy crept back into her house, after finally tearing herself away from Spike. It was daybreak now and she wanted to make sure nobody knew she had been gone. She snuck up the stairs quietly and entered her room.

She flipped on the small bedside lamp and went over to the mirror. She looked at her reflection staring back at her. Her eyes were tired and dark. Her hair was messy and tangled. And when her eyes traveled to her neck, she saw it. She had a perfect mark that was obviously a vampire bite. She touched it gently.

It was on the opposite side from her other scars. She supposed that maybe subconsciously, or consciously, Spike wanted to go where no one had been before. She had been bitten now four times. Only one of those times, with the Master, had she not wanted it. It was a startling conclusion to make. She had begged Angel to bite her.

The purpose was to save his life. There was no doubt about that. But under the surface lurked her need to be intimate with him. To connect with him on a level that they were not permitted to. She had wanted him to drink her because in doing so, she would save him and become part of him. She had felt closer to him in that moment than ever before or ever since.

And when Dracula bit her, she knew she had been under his thrall. But part of her so desperately wanted to feel that rush again. It wasn’t the closeness that she craved with him, but the thrill. She had wanted to know if she could ever feel that way again. It had unnerved her how intense the experience turned out to be.

Now again with Spike, she had felt it again. Powerful feelings that she couldn’t even describe. Utter abandonment and surrender. The knowledge that you are giving your life to another person, trusting them completely. Knowing that any moment, it might go too far. The sensation of looking over the edge and waiting to be pushed over. It was electrifying. But more importantly, it was a bond.

With Angel it had meant intimacy. With Dracula, it had meant danger and thrill. With Spike, it meant all of those things. And not only had he tasted her life, she had tasted his. And she had enjoyed it.

She looked at herself now and didn’t see the girl she used to know. She saw a stranger. She had tried everything to make herself look as different as she felt. It used to make her cry when she gazed at herself. But now she was numb. She wasn’t the same. It was like she was living someone else’s life. But she was starting to settle into it. It may not be where she started out, but it was hers now.

She crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over herself. She fell into a deep sleep and began to dream. She was walking through a cemetery alone. She felt a sense of uneasiness around her, but she kept walking.

All at once she felt eyes on her and she turned around. She saw the faces of her friends staring back at her with contempt and hatred.

“You don’t belong here.” Willow spat at her angrily.

“What? Willow?” Buffy asked confused.

“You’re a sick, disgusting thing.” Xander said getting into her face.

“Xander? What’s wrong with you guys? What did I do?” Buffy asked tearfully.

“Oh, they know what you’ve done, Buffy. It was only a matter of time.” Tara said as she emerged from the shadows.

“Tara? You told them?” Buffy asked completely devastated.

“I didn’t have to tell them. They knew. Everyone knows what you really are.” Tara told her calmly.

“I’m still me. Don’t do this.” Buffy pleaded with them.

“You’re a monster. You don’t care about anything. Or anyone.” Dawn said as she suddenly materialized behind Tara.

Buffy stood there as everyone she cared about judged her and called her terrible names. She turned around and tried to run from them. But when she did, they were all standing in front of her again. She couldn’t escape.

They all began descending upon her. They started hitting her and kicking her until she fell to the ground. Xander stood over her and leered down at her.

“You’re nothing.” He spat as he kicked her in the side.

“You don’t know what real love is.” Dawn said viciously as she punched Buffy in the face.

“You’re dead inside.” Willow punched her again.

All at once, everyone was on top of her, fists flying, beating Buffy senseless. She looked up and saw Spike hovering over them all.

“Spike…Please…Make them stop. Save me!” She pleaded desperately.

“Why?” He asked curiously.

“Please! I belong to you, remember. I’m yours.” She told him sadly.

“You can’t feel anything real. You could never be mine.” He said coldly as he disappeared from her view.

All at once Buffy sprang up in her bed and felt tears on her cheeks. She looked around and realized that it was only a dream. A nightmare actually. She’d been having them a lot lately. But this one was even worse than normal. The hatred in her friends’ eyes, and Dawn. It was impossible to think that they might view her that way if they knew who she really was. The person she had become.

And Spike didn’t help her. In the end he refused to save her. All the words that everyone said to her were very much like what she had said to him before. So why would he save her? She wasn’t even like him. She was worse. He was supposed to be a monster, a creature of the night. She wasn’t. But something inside her pulled her into that world. A place that she didn’t want to belong. But now she did. She’d crossed a line somewhere, and now she feared there could be no turning back. And most of all, she didn’t want to.

* * * * * * * * * *

Buffy had gone back to sleep and slept until almost noon. Willow and Dawn didn’t bother trying to wake her. They figured she must have been really tired. They had no idea that she had left last night. Finally, Buffy managed to get herself out of bed. She knew she had to be at work soon and she groaned.

That place was the last place she felt like being today. Or any day for that matter. It was the worst possible thing she could think of to do with her life. She knew she needed the money. She also knew that Dawn was counting on her to get their lives in order. But Buffy just couldn’t bring herself to think of that right now. She reached over and picked up the phone.

“Doublemeat Palace.” She heard her manager’s voice on the other end.

“Hi, Lorraine? It’s Buffy. I’m really sorry, but I’m sick today. I can’t make it in.” Buffy lied.

“Buffy, we’re already shorthanded. Can’t you come in for at least a little while?” Lorraine asked unhappily.

“I’m sorry. I’m barfing and everything. If I have to look at Double Meat, I might hurl. That might frighten the customers away.” Buffy said in a miserable voice. She was trying to be convincing.

“Well, alright. But if you feel better, you get your butt to work.” Lorraine said sternly.

“I will.” Buffy lied as she hung up the phone.

She laid back down on her bed and smiled to herself.

“Thank God I don’t have to subject myself to that hell today.” She muttered to herself happily.

Just then, she heard a knock at her door. She went to open it, then she realized that in her tank top, her neck was clearly exposed. She didn’t want Dawn or Willow to see it. She ran to her closet and searched frantically for a turtleneck. The knocking became louder.

“Buffy? Are you okay in there? It’s after twelve.” Willow called out to her.

“I’m fine. Hold on a sec. I’m naked.” Buffy called out to her friend as she ripped a turtleneck off the hanger and pulled it on.

She ran over to the door and pulled it open with a smile.

“Hey Will.”

“Buffy, is everything alright?” Willow asked with concern.

“Yeah. I was just feeling lazy today.” Buffy said with a shrug.

“Oh…Well, Dawn wanted to go to the mall to get a dress for the dance. I told her I’d take her, if that’s okay?” Willow inquired.

“What dance?”

“The winter carnival? Remember? She told you about it last week. That boy Brian that she has a crush on asked her.” Willow smiled.

“Oh, Right. Brian. Winter Carnival. It’s all coming back now.” Buffy lied.

She didn’t remember this conversation at all. She felt a small pang of guilt for forgetting something this important to Dawn. Willow stood there and stared at Buffy expectantly. Buffy looked at her.

“Is there something else?” Buffy asked.

“No…I mean, well…How should we pay for the dress? Do you have money?” Willow asked uncomfortably.

“Right, money. I guess that would help, huh?” Buffy said with a laugh.

She walked over to her purse and pulled out her wallet. There wasn’t any cash in it. She then pulled out the checkbook and saw how empty that was as well. The truth was, she didn’t have any money to give Dawn.

“I’m all broke.” Buffy said sadly.

“Oh… maybe she can just borrow one of your old dresses? Or mine. I still have my prom dress.” Willow said hopefully.

Buffy frowned and the guilt over playing hooky from work hit her. This was a special event for Dawn. Buffy didn’t want her to be subjected to wearing used, outdated formal wear. Somehow her mom always had money for things like that. She looked up at Willow.

“Here. Take this.” She said handing over a credit card that she had.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I want Dawnie to have a nice dress. And some new shoes too. Don’t worry about the cost.” Buffy smiled.

“You do realize that you will eventually have to pay for this, right?” Willow asked.

“Of course. I’m not stupid. I-I just want Dawn to have something nice. I want her to enjoy all the things that I never got to. A nice, normal dance. With a nice, normal boy. She deserves that.” Buffy said sincerely.

“Maybe you should take her shopping? She’d probably like that.” Willow offered with a smile.

“I can’t. I have to go to work.” Buffy conceded sadly. She hated demeaning herself with that ridiculous job, but she had to do it for Dawn’s sake.

Willow left Buffy alone to take a shower and get ready for work. She called Lorraine and told her that she was feeling better and would be in soon. It pained her to do that but she made the call anyway. Buffy’s heart was definitely not in it anymore. It never had been. But now, even knowing how much Dawn was relying on her, it didn’t help.

Just as she was pulling on her hideous uniform, she looked into the mirror. The shirt left her neck exposed. There was no getting around it. She went back into the bathroom and got out a box of band aids. She placed two small ones over the marks and sighed. It looked stupid, but it would have to do.

Buffy dragged herself into work and got behind the register for another day in burger hell, as Spike called it. By the time she got there, the lunch rush was just winding down. Most of the time she stood there bored out of her mind. All she could think about was getting out there. She was the Slayer. Not a burger flipper. There were other things she wanted to be doing. Things she needed to do.

When she was slaying, she was important. She was somebody. Here, she was just another face. A loser with no life and no other options. But she had another life. One that these morons here knew nothing about. She’d probably saved all their lives at some point, and they still treated her like she was nothing. It was wearing more than a little thin.

Finally around four o’clock, Willow, Dawn, and Tara walked through the door together. They were all smiling and had packages under their arms. Buffy was relieved to see them, even if it still embarrassed her for them to see her there.

“Hey guys. Tara.” Buffy noted that she was with them. She wondered if Willow and Tara were making progress.

“Hey Buffy. We ran into Tara at the mall.” Willow explained.

“It’s good to see you guys together again.” Buffy said softly.

“Well, we were just shopping.” Tara clarified. She wished it could be more than that, but it wasn’t. Not yet anyway.

“So, you found a dress?” Buffy asked Dawn.

“Yes. It’s totally cool. I can’t wait for Brian to see it.” Dawn said with a huge grin.

“I’m sure he’ll love it. But not too much.” Buffy added with a stern look. “Keep the dress on.” She told Dawn.

“Buffy…Embarrass me much?” Dawn said uncomfortably looking around at Willow and Tara, who were both smiling to themselves.

Willow looked at Buffy and noticed the band aids on her neck.

“What happened to your neck?” She asked curiously.

Buffy’s hand immediately went to her wound and covered it with her hands.

“It’s nothing. Just a scratch.” She said quickly.

“Did you get bitten?” Dawn asked concerned.

“No.” Buffy denied it.

“Are you sure?” Willow asked.

“Of course I’m sure. I think I’d remember being bitten.” She said a little too harshly.

“Guys, she said she’s fine. So let’s just order our food, okay?” Tara interrupted, looking at Buffy knowingly.

Buffy gave her a thankful look and Tara nodded silently. Willow noticed their silent communication and opened her mouth to say something. Before she could, Buffy interrupted her thoughts.

“So what do you guys want? We’re having a special. Free super sized fries if you order the number seven meal.” Buffy said, relieved to have the subject changed.

“Okay. I-I’ll have that.” Tara smiled.

“Me too.” Willow chimed in.

“I’ll have the salad and a diet coke.” Dawn told her.

“That’s all? Are you a vegetarian now?” Buffy asked with a teasing smile.

“No. I just bought this awesome dress. I need to fit into it.” Dawn pointed out.

“Good point.” Buffy smiled.

They all got their orders and sat down to eat. Buffy watched them from the counter. They were smiling and laughing. Buffy knew she should sit and join them on her break. But instead, she slipped into the back and sat down in the break room. She wasn’t sure she could face them all right now. She had been happy to see them at first. But then when her bite was discovered, she suddenly felt out of place with them. She had experienced things they’d never even imagine. Nor would they want to. Seeing their packages and their smiles brought home the fact that she was no longer part of that world.

There were no fun days of shopping. No school dances. No boy’s timidly asking her to the prom. Her life was darkness, violence, and killing. She didn’t have a crush on the boy next door. She was sleeping with a vampire. And none of it was new. Her life was virtually the same now as it had always been. Right down to the vampire boyfriend. Only this time, she knew her place. She didn’t bother anymore trying to fit into their world. She didn’t belong there, and she never had.

Several minutes later, Tara peeked her head in.

“Um, your boss said I could find you in here.” Tara said quietly.

“Yeah. I was just resting my feet for a minute.” Buffy said looking away from her.

“Can I sit down?”

“Where are Dawn and Willow?” Buffy asked.

“They finished. They wanted to say goodbye, but you’d disappeared.” Tara pointed out.

“Sorry. I should have said something.” Buffy admitted softly.

Tara sat down across from Buffy and took her hands gently.

“Is there something you want to talk about?” She asked.

“No.”

Tara nodded her head.

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” She said sympathetically.

Buffy looked up at her.

“You know, don’t you?” She asked.

“The bite on your neck?” Tara offered quietly.

Buffy nodded her head slowly.

“It was Spike?” Tara asked.

“Yes.”

“Did he hurt you?” Tara asked worried.

She felt angry with herself for thinking that Spike was still harmless. She knew that he could hurt Buffy now, but she never dreamed he would.

“No. He didn’t hurt me.” Buffy whispered softly.

“But he bit you.”

“I know.” Buffy told her.

Tara then realized what had happened. Her eyes got big and then she looked away from Buffy.

“Oh…I mean, wow. Y-you let him?” Tara stammered nervously.

Buffy nodded her head and looked down at her lap.

“I wanted him to.” Buffy admitted shamefully.

Tara let go of Buffy’s hands and sat back into her chair.

“Buffy…” She whispered softly.

“I know… I know. You think I’m disgusting. Sick and completely twisted, right?” Buffy said with tears forming in her eyes.

Tara grabbed her hands again and squeezed them tightly. She looked into her eyes.

“No. Never would I think that. Buffy, I’m just so concerned. T-that could be dangerous. He could hurt you. What if he can’t stop?” Tara asked with concern in her voice.

“He’d never hurt me. Never. I trust him. If he wanted to kill me, I’d be dead already.” Buffy told her as she reached up and wiped her eyes.

“I know he wouldn’t mean to…But he is a vampire. A vampire who has been deprived of human blood for a really long time. What if it’s just too much for him? What if he loses control?” Tara pointed out seriously.

“He won’t. I know he won’t.” Buffy told her confidently.

Tara sat silently looking across the table at Buffy. She was at a loss for words. She suspected after their conversation last night that something like this might be going on. She’d read vampire novels before. She knew the sexual nature of biting and feeding. She just didn’t realize that Buffy had allowed their relationship to progress that deeply.

“Do you hate me now?” Buffy whispered.

“No. I don’t hate you. I just think that you need to be careful. I worry.”

“You don’t have to worry. I’m okay.” Buffy reassured her.

“It’s just kind of intense, that’s all. I’m trying to understand.” Tara said awkwardly.

“I know it’s wrong.”

“Then why are you doing it?” Tara asked quietly.

“Because I want to. I-I like it. It makes me feel…I can’t describe it. It’s not something you could understand.” Buffy said shaking her head.

Tara wasn’t sure what to say next. Buffy was right. She probably couldn’t understand. She wanted to be supportive, but she was fearful that Buffy might get hurt.

“Just be careful.” She told her finally.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this. No one else can know. They really wouldn’t understand.” Buffy pleaded.

“I swore I’d never tell, and I meant it.” Tara stated firmly.

Just then, Lorraine popped her head into the break room.

“Your break is over, Summers. We’ve got people waiting.” She said brusquely.

Buffy looked over at Tara and stood up.

“I have to get back to work.”

Tara got up and followed Buffy back out front. Tara turned to her and hugged her tightly.

“If you ever need to talk, call me. Anytime.” She said into her ear.

“I will.” Buffy smiled as they pulled away from each other.

They didn’t see Willow across the room, staring at them. She had forgotten one of her packages and had come back in to retrieve it. She saw the hugging and the affectionate squeeze Tara gave Buffy’s arm. Willow felt a pang of suspicion and jealously. Tara had said she was going to use the ladies room, but apparently she had gone and found Buffy.

Willow had also seen the strange glances they had given each other when they had all come into the restaurant together. All at once, Willow’s mind began wandering. Tara had needed to see Buffy alone a few weeks ago. Buffy had expressly wanted Tara at her birthday party. Could it be? She thought to herself. No, it can’t be… She told herself.

Just then, Tara walked over and saw Willow.

“You’re back?” She asked.

“I-I forgot my package. What’s up with Buffy? Where’d she go before?” Willow asked suspiciously.

“Oh, um, she just went in back to sit down. I ran into her on my way out of the bathroom.” Tara lied.

“Oh…Well, Dawnie’s waiting for me outside. I-I’ll see you later?” Willow questioned suspiciously.

“Maybe.” Tara smiled, still unsure about what was happening with her relationship with Willow.

Tara headed out and Willow walked after her. Dawn was waiting outside and Tara told her goodbye. She needed to get back home to study for an exam. Dawn noticed Willow’s pained expression.

“It’s hard, huh?” Dawn asked.

“What?”

“Seeing Tara? I know you miss her tons.” Dawn sympathized.

“Yeah, I do.” Willow whispered sadly.

“I can tell.” Dawn said softly.

“Do Buffy and Tara get together a lot?” Willow asked curiously.

“Yeah, lately they have. They’ve gotten totally close.” Dawn said with a shrug.

Willow just felt her heart drop into her stomach. She never in a million years would have suspected Buffy of having those kinds of feelings for Tara. Or any other woman for that matter. But Buffy was changing. She wasn’t quite the same anymore. Willow supposed that if she could go from loving Oz, to loving Tara, it was possible for Buffy too.

* * * * * * * * * *

Later that evening, Buffy was being bombarded by the dinner crowd. She was fed up with rude and demanding people. Sometimes she fantasized about unleashing a bunch of vampires on the crowd and watching them all die. It was sick, she knew, but these people were like a bunch of animals sometimes. Rude, obnoxious, animals.

Just then, a familiar customer emerged from the line and walked up to the register in front of everyone else. Buffy smiled when she saw him. Spike leaned over in front of the next patron in line.

“Hey! Wait your turn asshole.” The guy muttered to Spike angrily.

“Keep your trap shut, mate. I’m talking to my lady.” Spike said to him with irritation.

“You can’t talk to our customers like that. It’s rude.” Buffy scolded him unconvincingly.

“I’m a bad, rude man.” He smiled at her.

“What do you want?” She asked him, not even caring about the other people waiting in line.

“When are you off?” He asked her.

“Not until nine.”

“You plan to stick around in this hell hole until nine?” He asked shaking his head.

She looked out at the line of people. They were all getting mad and yelling at Spike to get to the back of the line. It was maddening and chaotic. The people there had no respect for anyone. They wanted their greasy food now, and appeared ready to eat Spike if he didn’t move.

She looked at Spike with a wicked grin.

“Get me out of here.” She told him.

He smiled and reached over the counter. He grabbed Buffy by the waist and pulled her over. She looked back at one of her co-workers who was standing at the soda machine.

“I’m sick again. I’m leaving.” She said, taking Spike’s arm and heading out the door.

The customers appeared ready to rush the kitchen and everyone grumbled angrily at her departure. She didn’t even look back or wait for a response from her co-worker. They got outside and Buffy started laughing.

“I’m sick alright. Sick of this place.” She told Spike with a grin.

“You don’t belong here. You know that.” He said seriously.

“You’re right. No one belongs here.” She shook her head.

“Think they’ll fire you?” He asked, suddenly considering the consequences.

Buffy shrugged.

“Who cares?”

Spike smirked at her and took her hand. Then he leaned over to kiss her. He noticed the band aids covering her neck. He touched them.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“Oh, I had to cover that. I couldn’t let the people at work see.” She explained.

“Well, take it off. You’re not at work anymore.” He said peeling the bandages off.

He wanted to see the marks he left. He wanted the evidence of their bond to be visible. She let him remove them and toss them to the ground.

“I need to get out of these clothes.” She said looking down at her ridiculous ensemble.

He looked at her suggestively.

“My place?” He offered.

She took his hand and pulled him with her. She craved him. She’d been feeling it all day, and now seeing him again just made the craving more intense. She didn’t allow herself to consider the trouble she’d just caused herself at work. It didn’t matter right now. Nothing mattered.

They tumbled through his front door. They were already all over each other. Waiting to get inside was nearly impossible. Somewhere along the journey to his crypt, she had discarded her stupid hat. She didn’t remember tossing it away, but she didn’t care. She was probably fired again anyway.

Spike pushed her against the wall and tore her shirt open, sending buttons flying everywhere. He squeezed her breasts roughly through her bra. He bent his head down and began kissing the swell of her breasts. She reached down and started pulling at the fabric of her bra. She was trying to free herself so that he didn’t have to work around the material.

Finally she managed to pull herself out of her bra cup, and Spike’s mouth immediately latched onto her. She cried out softly and dug her nails into his shoulders. He pressed her up against the wall harder and reached down to free himself from his pants. Buffy undid her own pants, and he let her go long enough to get them off of her.

Once she was nude, he picked her up and slammed her against the wall. She cried out at the force of the impact. And then again when she felt him thrust deeply into her.

“Oh god…” She panted, as she wrapped her legs around him tightly.

He plunged into her depths with total abandon. He couldn’t see anything else but her. She clutched at him desperately. He kissed her mouth greedily and felt himself beginning to quake with desire.

His lips went to her neck again. He snaked his tongue out and licked across the puncture marks that he left before. He wanted to taste her again. He needed to. But he wouldn’t do it if she didn’t want it.

“Do it.” She whispered hungrily. She needed release. She needed to feel the rush again.

He vamped out and sunk his teeth into her flesh again. They both shuddered violently and rocked against each other with pleasure. At last, they were spent and slunk to the ground. They were still entwined with each other, and Spike lifted his face from her neck and gazed into her eyes.

“You’re amazing.” He whispered to her.

“So are you.” She complimented him breathlessly.

“You like it when I bite you?” He asked curiously. He knew she did, but he needed confirmation.

“Yes.” She admitted softly.

“It doesn’t scare you?”

“It does.” She told him.

“But you still want me to?” He asked.

“I trust you.” She said touching his face softly.

He pulled her to him tightly. This was what he had dreamed of for so long. Her denials were waning, and she was finally opening up to him. It was perfect. Like a fantasy. He would never be able to let her go after this. Never…He thought to himself.

They finally stood up and Buffy tried to gather her clothes. Spike zipped up his pants. Buffy turned around to find her underwear. When she did, she noticed that the crypt door was still open. They had been so wrapped up in their lust that they hadn’t even made sure it was closed.

“Good thing most of the people out there can’t talk.” She said with a smile.

“What?”

“The door. It’s wide open. If your neighbors weren’t dead already, they’d have quite a story to tell.” She said as she went over and slammed the door shut.

“Someone could have seen us.” He said walking over to her and stroking her arm.

“Like who?”

“One of your friends.” He offered.

“Right. Cause they’re always popping over to your place to hang out.” She said sarcastically.

“You have a point.” He realized.

“Let’s go downstairs.” She said grabbing his arm excitedly.

She dragged him quickly behind her and he tripped over his own feet.

“Hey. What’s the rush, Love?”

“I’m not satisfied.” She told him seductively.

“Oh, you’re not, are you?” He asked giving her a suggestive glance.

“Satisfy me.” She said yanking his arm and shoving him down the ladder.

He tumbled off of it and landed flat on his back on the hard ground below. He looked up at her with a pained expression.

“That hurt.” He complained.

“Yeah, but in a good way, right?” She said, leaping on top of him and straddling his legs.

He looked up at her with excitement and a little bewilderment. She was acting a little strange tonight. Different somehow. This Buffy was freer. Less bottled up and completely irresponsible. He liked it.

She leaned over him and kissed him frantically. Neither one of them were fully dressed anymore. Buffy had been so eager to get downstairs, that there wasn’t time. She had her bra and panties on and nothing else. Spike merely had his jeans.

She ran her hands over his chest and traced the outlines of her previous scratch marks. She bent down to kiss them and he closed his eyes. He savored the feel of her tongue across his flesh. She was tasting him, drinking him in.

Just as he settled into her tenderness, she sprang up and stood over him. She grabbed his shoulders and lifted him up to his feet. She dragged him over towards the bed and pushed him backwards. He lay sprawled on his back as she leapt onto him again.

She straddled his legs and he reached up to touch her breasts. She grabbed his arms and pushed them back over his head.

“No.” She said with devious glint in her eye.

“What?” He asked confused.

“I said no. This is my game, and you don’t get to touch.” She explained to him.

She reached over and grabbed the handcuffs that he enjoyed so much. She secured his wrists above his head and relished his look of anticipation. She undid his pants and slid them off his body.

“What sort of naughty things are you going to do to me?” He whispered excitedly.

“I’m not doing anything to you.” She said innocently.

He gave her a curious expression. She stood up on her knees, still straddling his legs. She ran her hands over her lace covered breasts and looked at him.

“You said you liked to watch me.” She purred seductively.

His eyes grew big and let out a slow breath.

“Oh yes.” He nodded his head slowly.

“Well, you can look, but you can’t touch.”

She ran her hand between her thighs. She caressed herself over her panties and watched for his reaction. He bit his lip and made a low guttural sound. She smiled.

“Is that good? You like that?” She asked.

“Keep going.” He urged her.

She then removed her bra and tossed it at him. It landed on his stomach and he closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them, she was caressing her naked breasts. Running her hands over them slowly. She took her nipples between her fingers and pinched them lightly. She moaned at her own touch and threw her head back.

He wanted to grab her so badly, but he couldn’t. He pulled on his restraints to no avail. She then climbed up his body and straddled his chest. She leaned over so that her breasts were in his face, but just out of reach. He tried to move his head closer but then she pulled back with a wicked laugh.

She slid her hand into her panties and began rubbing her fingers over herself. She moaned and closed her eyes. He watched as she pleasured herself, completely out of his grasp. She then pulled her panties off slowly, and climbed up him again. She ran her panties over his cheek and across his face.

He could smell her desire and it drove him wild. All he could do was moan softly. If only he could touch her. If only she would touch him. But she wouldn’t. She ran her fingers down her stomach and back between her legs again. She began rubbing herself quicker and harder. He felt his erection ready to burst. If she touched him, it would be all over.

He watched intently, as her fingers slid deeper, until they disappeared into her depths. She cried out softly and began moving them in and out of her body. She opened her eyes and looked at him straining against the handcuffs.

“You want that to be you, don’t you? Inside me.” She said huskily.

“Let me.” He pleaded with her.

She enjoyed that the balance of power between them had shifted. It wasn’t him telling her what to do. It wasn’t him trying to control her. She was in control of him now. In a way, she always had been. It took his urging to get her to open her eyes to what she really wanted. But he had. He’d given her a taste of his power. And it wasn’t something she wanted to lose.

“I want you, Buffy.” He pleaded with her again.

She smiled and closed her eyes again. She continued what she was doing. She felt herself nearing her peak and she reached down and grabbed his erection. He groaned loudly with satisfaction at finally being touched. She lifted herself over him and plunged herself down onto him. They both cried out and began to shudder. Their bodies rocked with bliss, until finally Buffy collapsed onto his chest.

He still couldn’t move his arms, and he strained to touch her. Finally she looked up at him and smiled.

“I think I’m satisfied.” She told him.

“You are?” He asked surprised.

“For now.” She clarified with a smirk.

She moved herself off of him and retrieved the handcuff key. She undid his wrists and lay beside him. She felt happy and content. Gone was the guilt and shame she felt before. It was replaced with confidence and excitement. She was having fun. This was her life now, and she was going to enjoy it. She didn’t care anymore about wrong or right, or good and bad. All of that was meaningless now. Her acceptance of her life made her feel powerful and strong. It was an intoxicating feeling.

Spike reached out and stroked her arm. He admired her muscular body. Perfect to him in every way. The things that body could do, he never imagined. She was a pleasure machine. He learned something new about her every time they were together. It was exhilarating.

After their bliss settled, Spike looked at her.

“Do you think you’re going to lose your job because of tonight?” He asked seriously.

“I told you, I don’t care.” She said casually.

“Yeah, I know. Believe me, I hated seeing you in that horrendous place. But what about the money? I know you need it.” He told her softly.

“You said you could get me money.” She said, turning over and looking him in the eye.

“I did say that. But you didn’t want me to.”

“Well, I changed my mind. You can take care of me. That’s what you said you wanted to do, right?” She told him.

He looked at her confused. This wasn’t like her to be so agreeable with him. Especially when it came to something like this.

“Are you sure? I mean, you realize my money isn’t exactly made the old fashioned way.” He pointed out.

“I don’t care. Money is money.” She shrugged.

“That’s not what you said before. You said—.”

“I was stupid. I can’t flip burgers forever. It’s not like that was a career choice. It was desperation. I didn’t belong there. I belong here, with you.” She said kissing his cheek.

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with Buffy?” He asked, only half joking.

“What? You mean I can’t change my mind. You were right. I’m a creature of darkness, just like you. I belong in this world.” She told him.

He just stared at her. It was everything he’d always wanted to hear from her, and yet somehow it just didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem like Buffy.

“Love, maybe you should think about this.” He said skeptically.

She sat up and glared at him.

“You don’t want me here with you? I mean, if you don’t want to help me—.”

“I didn’t say that. You know I’ll help you. It’s just, are you sure you really mean what you say?” He asked.

“Isn’t that what you wanted to hear? You were right. I was fighting it, but you were right. Shouldn’t you be a little happier and less annoying?” She asked, irritated.

He sighed and nodded his head.

“I am happy.”

“Good then.” She smiled as she snuggled into him.

He couldn’t shake the uneasiness that settled over him. Something was off. He just pushed it back and held her tightly. She belonged to him now. She said so herself. Nothing else mattered.

“I’m feeling antsy again.” She said with a sigh.

“You wanna go another round?” He asked with a grin.

“I need to kill something.” She said smiling at him.

Then she jumped off the bed and searched his room for her clothes. She realized that they were still upstairs. And then she realized she only had her work uniform. That would never do. The vampires would die laughing before she even got a chance to stake them.

“Do you have a shirt I can wear?” She asked him.

“Yeah. Check the closet.” He pointed over to the other side of the room.

“The closet? You built a closet in here?” She asked.

“Well, it’s more of a shower bar between two rocks, but it works.” He pointed out as he slipped his pants on again.

She went over and grabbed a red shirt. She buttoned it up and tied it in a knot at her waist.

“I need to go get my pants.” She told him as she headed up the ladder.

He watched her go and grinned to himself. This was his heaven. The woman he loved was with him. They made wild love, and now they were out for a hunt. It was almost like old times for him. Only Buffy wasn’t insane like Dru, and she also wasn’t a vampire. But it didn’t matter. It was still the same. Love and violence. His two all consuming passions.

* * * * * * * * * *

It was after eleven when Buffy finally made her way home. She hadn’t wanted to leave Spike, but she knew she had to. They had gone patrolling and dusted at least seven vampires. It was wonderful. Afterwards they had taken each other again. Behind a gravestone in the cemetery. Anyone could have seen them. Buffy didn’t care. It was part of the thrill.

Once they were spent, she had reluctantly headed home. It had been Spike who told her she needed to go, or Dawn might worry about her. After all she was supposed to be working. If it was found out she had left, Dawn might be concerned.

Buffy opened her front door and stepped inside. Willow was sitting on the couch absently watching TV. When Buffy walked in, she stood up.

“Buffy! Are you alright?” She asked.

“I’m fine. Why?”

“Your boss called. She said you left without saying anything. Where were you?” Willow asked with concern and irritation.

“I did say something. I told them I was sick.” Buffy shrugged.

“But you’re not sick. Are you? And what are you wearing? Whose shirt is that?” Willow asked.

“Twenty questions, much? Will, it’s not really any of your business where I was.” Buffy snapped.

Willow shrank back, hurt at Buffy’s harshness. Then she stood up straight again. She looked at her accusingly.

“You think I don’t know what’s going on? I know. I have eyes.” Willow told her. She was becoming convinced that Buffy and Tara were seeing each other secretly.

“What are you talking about?” Buffy asked, suddenly nervous that Willow was on to her and Spike.

“The secret meetings? The stolen glances? Your birthday party? I-I know about you two. How could you do this?” Willow asked tearfully.

Buffy’s heart dropped into her stomach. Willow knew. All that hiding and lying was for nothing. Willow already knew. Buffy took a deep breath, and held her ground.

“I’m sorry you don’t approve. But truthfully, it’s not your business.” Buffy said confidently.

“So it is true?”

“Yes, it’s true.” Buffy said crossing her arms across her chest protectively.

“I thought you were my friend? How could you do this to me?” Willow asked sadly.

“This isn’t about you. This has nothing to do with you.” Buffy pointed out.

“It has everything to do with me. How can you even say that?”

“Who I sleep with is none of your business.” Buffy said firmly.

“It is my business. When you’re sleeping with my ex, it becomes my business!” Willow shouted at her.

Buffy stared at her completely confused.

“What? Your ex?” She asked.

“Yes. You know I still love Tara. You know I want to get back with her. And now this? You just sneak in behind my back—.”

“Whoa. Wait. Back up, Will. Tara? We’re talking about Tara?” Buffy asked completely befuddled.

“Yes, Tara. Who else?” Willow said giving Buffy a sad look.

Buffy just stared at her. She felt like an idiot. Willow was talking about Tara. Not Spike. She still had no idea. Buffy didn’t know what to say. Willow noticed Buffy’s confused silence.

“We weren’t talking about Tara?” Willow asked quietly.

“No.” Buffy said softly.

Willow felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. But then confusion sank in.

“Who were you talking about?” She asked.

“No one.” Buffy said looking at her feet.

Her earlier confidence was waning. She had immediately gone on the defensive when she thought Willow knew. Now that she didn’t, Buffy didn’t feel as sure of herself.

Willow looked Buffy over. The shirt looked familiar. It was too large for her. And it was definitely nothing Willow had seen Buffy wear before. Then her eyes traveled to Buffy’s throat. The bandages were gone, and the bite mark was exposed. In Willow’s heated delusions of Buffy and Tara, she hadn’t even noticed it. Then she remembered Spike’s jacket. Buffy had been wearing it before. Suddenly the pieces fell into place.

“Spike? You and Spike?” Willow asked softly.

Buffy looked at her feet and nodded her head silently.

“Oh my god…And that? That’s from him?” Willow asked, pointing to her neck.

Buffy covered it with her hand and looked at her friend.

“Yes.”

“How? His chip? I-it doesn’t work?” Willow asked confused.

“Not on me it doesn’t. One of those pesky little side effects of being brought back from the dead, I guess.” Buffy told her with a shrug.

“Buffy are you insane? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Willow asked utterly terrified for Buffy.

“I’m not insane.” Buffy protested defensively.

“Then why? How? Why?” Willow asked shaking her head.

“It’s complicated. And as I said before, it’s not your business.” Buffy said feeling her confidence again.

Willow was speechless. She had no idea what to say, or how to react.

“B-but what about Tara? The looks? The secrets?” Willow asked, trying to make sense of it.

“She knew. Tara knew.” Buffy told her.

“Tara knew? Who else knows? Why didn’t you tell me?” Willow inquired with hurt feelings.

“No one else knows. Just Tara. And I couldn’t tell you.”

“But you could tell Tara? I’m supposed to be your best friend.” Willow said tearfully.

“Tara understood. She didn’t call me insane. Maybe that’s why I didn’t tell you.” Buffy said calmly.

Willow stared at her silently. She felt badly for making Buffy think she couldn’t talk to her anymore. But how could she not say anything? This was dangerous and scary and very wrong. Willow couldn’t just sit back and say it was okay.

“I’m going to bed. We’re done talking.” Buffy said as she turned around and headed up the stairs.

Willow sat down on the couch again and stared at the TV. She had no idea what to do with this information. Willow could maybe understand Buffy being drawn to Spike. He was persistent. And he obviously cared for Buffy a great deal. But it was clear that their relationship was much more complex than just a kiss and a cuddle. It was serious. Seriously wrong.

* * * * * * * * * *

Weeks passed and Willow and Buffy were barely speaking. It was Buffy’s coldness that came between them. Willow wanted to understand. She wanted to help her. But Buffy just avoided her at all costs. Willow was devastated. Buffy pretended not to notice. She just couldn’t bring herself to care. Willow was part of another life. One she didn’t belong to anymore. She had better things to think about than whether or not Willow was happy.

Buffy hadn’t been fired from her job, much to her dismay. But when she was scheduled to come in again, she merely blew them off. Eventually, they stopped calling her. She hadn’t told anyone that she was unemployed again. She’d pretend to go to work, and would go see Spike instead. He had been giving her what little cash he could, but Buffy knew it wasn’t enough. She was behind in most of her bills and her credit card was over the limit.

She tried not to think about it. She knew she was being irresponsible and selfish, but right now she couldn’t bring herself to be any other way. She met up with Spike outside his crypt.

“Hey. Ready?” She asked him.

“Yeah. I’ve got a lead on something. We should head out now.” He told her.

They started walking quickly through the graveyard.

“What kind of lead?”

“Just some nasties down by the waterfront. I overheard some people talking. Seems like they’re kidnapping people, and selling them into some kind of slavery.” He explained.

“That happened to me once.” She said thoughtfully.

“What?”

“It was a few years ago. Got sent to hell to slave for eternity. It didn’t work out. The hours weren’t flexible enough, and they didn’t have a dental plan.” She said jokingly.

He chuckled at that.

“So what happened?”

“I killed them.” She shrugged.

“You’ve never been able to hold a job, have you?” He teased her.

“Shut up. Jobs are too much…well, like work. I’m a free spirit.”

“That you are.”

“Besides, I have a job.” She said to him.

“Maybe you should start charging.” He offered.

“You sound like Anya. She suggested that.” She said shaking her head.

“And what? You shot it down?” He asked curiously.

“Who am I gonna charge? Send a bill to the families of all the vamps I dust? Hi, I just jabbed a sharp piece of wood through your dearly departed relative. I saved the world, give me money.” She said mockingly.

“No, I’m just saying there’s probably money to be made somewhere.” He shrugged.

She pondered his words and they kept walking. Finally they reached the warehouse where the slavery ring was supposedly setting up shop.

“How many are we dealing with?” She asked quietly.

“About ten. There could be people in there too. Slaves.” He explained.

“Okay, then. Let’s go.” She took a deep breath and they kicked in the door.

Several demons were milling about and were taken completely off guard by the intrusion. Immediately they sprang into action. Buffy and Spike started throwing punches and kicks in various directions. For a few minutes things were chaotic. Once they were down to four demons, Buffy noticed that there were two men chained to a wall. They were frightened and dirty looking. It was clear they weren’t being treated with much hospitality.

“Get those people out of here!” Buffy shouted at Spike.

He was closest to them and he grabbed and axe off of a table and hacked away at the chains holding the hostages. The two men fell to the ground and Spike yelled at them.

“Run! Get the hell out of here!”

The men scrambled to their feet and ran for the door. Buffy managed to slash another demon across the chest and he went down. Spike took on two more that were definitely not pleased he let the hostages go. Buffy was able to defeat her demon and stopped for a minute to look around. This was a slavery ring. A business. These demons sold people to the black market for God knows what. A business like that would make an awful lot of money, she thought to herself.

Just as Spike was getting ready to take out the last remaining demon, Buffy stepped between them. She grabbed the demons neck and shoved him against the wall. Spike stood back and watched her curiously. He had it under control, but for some reason she felt the need to step in.

“You make a lot of money selling slaves?” Buffy asked the demon as she pinned him against the wall. She put her knife to his throat and pressed with just enough force to draw blood.

“What?” The demon choked out nervously. He knew he was going to die just as all his partners had.

Spike had no idea what Buffy was doing.

“I’m just curious. A nasty business like this must pull in a pretty penny, right?” She asked him.

“We did alright.”

“Where do you keep the money? I’m assuming you don’t have an ATM card or anything.” She said pressing the knife in deeper.

“Buffy, what’s with all the small talk. Just kill him and let’s go.” Spike said impatiently.

She looked over her shoulder at Spike and smiled wickedly.

“There’s money to be had here, Spike.” She told him.

He looked at her and smiled. Now he was getting it. She never failed to surprise him these days. Buffy looked back at the demon who was struggling to free himself from her grasp.

“Where is it?” She demanded.

“Why should I tell you?” He choked.

Buffy shrugged.

“You shouldn’t, I guess. I mean, I’m gonna kill you either way. But if you tell me, it will hurt a little less.” She said matter of factly.

“It’s over there.” He said pointing a shaky finger at an old shipping crate. Spike walked over and opened it. There was a pile of money lying at the bottom of the crate. He smiled. Buffy could tell that the demon had given up the goods. She turned back to him.

“Thanks. It was a pleasure doing business with you.” She said with a smile.

She then jabbed her knife into his gut and twisted it around. The demon screamed out in pain. With one swift move, she yanked up on the knife, effectively splitting the demon wide open. He dropped to the ground and lay in a huge puddle of demon blood. She turned around satisfied with her work and looked at Spike.

“I thought you said it would hurt less if he told you?” Spike asked her.

“I lied.” She said casually, coming over to see their newfound riches.

Spike leaned over and kissed her hard. She returned his passion and they started pawing at each other. The excitement of the fight and the ultimate victory was getting to them. Finally Buffy pulled away from him.

“Get our stuff. Let’s go.” She said anxiously.

Spike picked up the crate and they both walked out into the night. They made their way back to Spike’s place and went inside. Spike dropped the crate down and they both sat down on the ground. They opened it up and saw that there was at least three thousand dollars there. Buffy held a wad of it in her hands and stared at Spike.

“Will you look at this? This is unbelievable.” She said in awe.

“You’re a genius, you realize? This was perfect. I told you that there was money to be had.” He pointed out.

“I know. I mean, why didn’t I ever think of this before?” She wondered aloud.

“Something to do with dirty money maybe?”

“Well, I’m over that. This is my new thing. Kill a bad guy, reap the rewards.” She said happily.

He smiled at her.

“You were fantastic tonight. I’ve never seen you like that before.”

“Like what?”

“You were…I don’t know…bad. It was sexy.” He told her suggestively as he ran his hand up her arm.

“I can be bad. I can be very, very bad.” She whispered back to him, as she crawled into his lap.

“Show me.” He purred into her ear.

She began kissing him hungrily. She pushed his jacket over his shoulders and tore it off. She started biting at his neck and clawing at his chest. She ripped his shirt open and pushed him backwards. The tumbled together into the side of the money crate. It tipped over and the money spilled out onto the floor.

She pinned his arms down with one hand and began undoing his pants with the other. Once she got them undone, he forced his arms up and grabbed her around the waist. He flipped them over and landed on top of her. He kissed her neck and pulled open her shirt. He kissed at her breasts and bit at them through the fabric of her bra. She moaned and scratched her nails across his chest. He reached down and tugged at her sweatpants.

He removed them fully, along with her panties. He moved his pants around his hips and attempted to enter her. She pushed him backwards and he landed on top of the pile of money. She leapt onto him and straddled him. She needed to be in control. She lowered herself onto him and began grinding herself against him. He groaned loudly as she dug her nails into his thighs.

She looked down at him.

“Tell me you belong to me.” She ordered him breathlessly.

“I belong to you, pet.” He said hoarsely.

“You’re mine.” She told him as she bent down and kissed him forcefully.

Her pace quickened and she cried out with utter abandon. He sat himself up and moved so that she was straddling his lap. Her movements never faltered. He buried his face into her neck and sunk his fangs in just as she was coming. She cried out and pushed him backwards again. He looked up at her and saw the wildness in her eyes. She bent down and bit his neck too. He gasped with pleasure and surprise. She tasted his blood on her tongue and she began sucking at his neck. He fell into bliss and moaned loudly. As he came down, she pulled her head away from his neck.

He looked at her and saw the blood on her lips. She smiled at him.

“Was that bad enough for you?” She asked huskily.

He just stared at her. It had been incredible as usual. But something in her eyes looked different. She looked primal, almost like an animal. It was a hungry look. One he’d never seen on her before. It was a little unnerving. He decided to ignore it, and just smiled.

She curled up next to him and they lay together amidst the scattered money. Tonight had really opened up her eyes. Taking that money had felt good. It was like a high. She had this power inside of her. One that she’d never fully used. She spent so much time denying it. But she was done with that. Instead of using her fate as a burden, she should have been using it as a gift. Just about every demon in town feared her. She always thought she was just a girl. But she was so much more than that. She was a Slayer. And being a Slayer meant power and respect.

She could do things that no ordinary person could get away with. Normal rules didn’t apply to her, because the world she walked in wasn’t normal. Spike had shown her that. Being with him had changed everything for her. She had the ultimate power over him. He freely admitted that he’d do anything for her. He gave her money, he gave her his love, he gave her pleasure. And most of all, he gave her permission to be what she was destined to be. They were both creatures of darkness.

A Slayer was never meant to lead a regular life. She was born to hunt, and born to kill. Just like him. Their prey may have been vastly different, but their needs were the same. She saw that now. Spike had told her that as soon as she realized that, her life would get a whole lot easier. He wasn’t lying. Everything had just fallen into place.

* * * * * * * * * *

Three weeks had gone by now. Buffy was settling into her newfound confidence. Life seemed good for the first time in a long while. No more demeaning job. No more hiding from what she really was. Things seemed simple now. Buffy made her way to Spike’s place again. Spike said he had something for her tonight. Money that he had acquired in a bet. He was giving her half of it.

The riches they had gained earlier had been wonderful. Buffy was able to pay for her overdue electric bill and her mortgage payment. Plus she had enough left over to get a few things for herself. Unfortunately, it still hadn’t been enough to sustain her long. She still had a huge credit card bill to pay. She hoped that whatever Spike gave her tonight would cover it.

She walked through his door and found him waiting.

“I’m here. Show me what you’ve got.” She said with greedy anticipation.

He smiled at her and shook his head.

“What? No hello? No kiss? Just hand over the money?” He joked with her.

“I’m greedy. Besides, I still have a prom dress to pay off. You know how expensive those things are?” She asked.

“Sorry, Love. I haven’t purchased one of those lately. And what the hell do you need a prom dress for?” He asked confused.

“Not for me. It was for Dawn. She needed it for some dance.” Buffy explained.

“Oh, right. Well, here you go.” He said handing over a stack of bills.

She sifted through it, trying to mentally tabulate it.

“It’s three hundred.” He pointed out.

“That’s it?” She pouted.

“What? That’s not enough?” He asked, a little put out that she wasn’t more grateful.

“No. I mean, it’s fine. I just thought it’d be more.” She explained.

“Well, I can give you the rest. But I gotta live too, you realize. Blood and smokes aren’t cheap.” He told her.

She thought about it for a moment. She needed more. And if he was offering, well, she supposed she couldn’t refuse. But then she remembered something.

“No. Keep it. I just got a better idea.” She said happily.

He looked at her curiously.

“What sort of idea?”

“Well, I know of someone. This demon guy. He’s an informant. I’ve used him a few times. He trades cash for info. You know, like you used to do before you became all noble?” She said, raising her eyebrow.

“Hey! I’m not noble.” He protested.

“Well, then before I had you wrapped around my little finger.” She told him flippantly.

He took offense to that. He didn’t want her to think she controlled him. Or that everything he did was because they were sleeping together. He was no pussy whipped fool.

“You don’t have me wrapped around anything.” He said pushing her against the wall.

“I’m sorry. Is that a touchy subject? Face it. You’ll do whatever I ask, because you want to fuck me.” She said matter of factly.

He growled at her angrily.

“You think that’s why I do it? So I can fuck you? I risked my bloody neck for you a million times, never getting anything from you but hatred!” He shouted at her.

“Calm down. Get a grip. Like I really care why you help me.” She said amused at his anger.

“Do you even care about anything anymore?” He asked angrily as he let go of her shoulders and moved away from her.

“Yes. Right now I care about getting money. Do you even want to hear my plan?” She asked with irritation.

He just stared at her. It was like looking at someone else.

“Fine. What’s your brilliant plan?” He relented.

“Well, this informant, he has lots of cash. He does a brisk business. I say we pay him a visit.” She explained.

“And what? Ask him to tell us where to get money?”

“No. We rob him. Plain and simple. He’s a real wimp. He won’t even fight back. It’s perfect.” She told him happily.

“Rob him?”

“Yeah.”

“But why?”

“Why not? He’s a demon. A weasel. He takes other people’s money. So we’ll just take his.” She rationalized.

“But he hasn’t done anything wrong. People willingly give him that money.”

“Well, people willingly gave money to those slavery demons too. It’s not a big deal.” She shrugged.

“But this is different. Those guys were selling people, this guy is just selling information.” He said shaking his head.

“God! What is your problem? Not noble, my ass. This isn’t wrong. It’s like Robin Hood. Steal from the rich, give to the poor. In this case, we’re the poor.” She explained to him.

He just stared at her. As much as he loved causing trouble, this just didn’t seem right. The last time seemed justifiable, but this time it seemed cruel. This wasn’t like Buffy. But he didn’t voice his objections.

“Are you coming or not? Cause I can do this without you.” She told him.

“I’m coming.” He said reluctantly, as they headed out the door.

They walked silently to the informant’s lair. Buffy pushed the door open and walked inside. Spike followed behind her. They came upon a green skinned demon, sitting in a chair watching I Love Lucy reruns. He stood up nervously when he saw who his visitors were.

“Hey! Slayer! W-what are you doing here?” He asked nervously.

“I need something from you.” She said grabbing him by the collar.

“Sure. Whatever you need. I’m running a discount right now. Twice the info, for half the price. Course, that’s just for you.” He said anxiously.

Spike watched as Buffy shoved the demon against the stone wall. She looked over at Spike.

“The money is over there.” She said indicating a wooden trunk, lying in the corner.

Spike went over and opened it up. He saw at least a thousand dollars there, arranged in neat stacks.

“W-what the hell are you doing? That’s my money.” The demon protested.

“Correction. It’s my money.” She said wickedly. Then she glanced at Spike. “Are we happy?” She asked him.

Spike picked up the money and held it up.

“We’re happy.” He told her as he started stuffing it into his pockets.

“Hey! You can’t do that!” The demon shouted.

Buffy wrapped her hands around his throat and squeezed tightly. He began to choke.

“See, I can do that. I’m the Slayer, and you’re nothing. I own this town. I can do whatever I want.” She told him heatedly.

Spike stared at her in disbelief. She was acting crazy.

“Buffy, let’s go. I’ve got the money.” He urged her.

She ignored him.

“The way I see it, I’m doing a service to the people. Taking money just to rat out the people who trust you?” She released his throat and shoved him to the ground. She stood over him, as he gasped for air. “Well, that’s just wrong.” She said with a laugh.

The demon stared up at her in shock and disbelief. She kicked him in the stomach and turned around to face Spike.

“Let’s go.” She said pleased with herself.

Spike watched her walk out the door and couldn’t help but glance back at the fallen demon. He looked up at Spike. It was an expression of confusion and dismay. Spike felt pity on him. He’d been in his shoes before. Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out some of the money. He tossed it back onto the ground and walked out the door.

Once they were both outside Buffy started laughing excitedly.

“That was such a rush! Did you see him? He was freaking out! Hey! You can’t do that!” She mocked the informant’s reaction. “Priceless.” She proclaimed, pleased with herself.

“Yeah, it was a real good time.” He said without enthusiasm.

“I can’t believe how easy that was!” She exclaimed happily.

“Yeah, we’re a regular Bonnie and Clyde.” He muttered.

“Only with better clothes.” She pointed out, indicating their matching leather jackets and dark jeans.

“Can we get out of here now, or is there a liquor store you wanna knock over first?” He asked shaking his head.

“We can go. I wanna see how much we got.” She took his hand and pulled him with her.

He followed her, not saying a word. They entered his crypt and she began sifting through his jacket pockets. She pulled out the wads of cash and held them up.

“Look at this. I think I’m going to buy something nice for myself.” She said thoughtfully, as she stuffed some money into her jacket.

“I thought this money was for Dawn? And your bills?” He asked.

“It is. But I’ve got to get a little something too. I earned it.”

“Yeah, you earned it alright.” He muttered sarcastically.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” She snapped at him.

“Buffy, that wasn’t right. That poor bloke was just trying to make a living.” He pointed out.

“Oh, spare me. He’s a demon.” She scoffed.

“Yeah. What’s your point? He wasn’t hurting anyone. Just because he’s a demon, you think you can do what you want?” He asked angrily.

“Yes.”

He grabbed her and shoved her against the crypt wall. She stared at him with surprise at his force.

“Is that what you’re doing with me? You can do what you want because I’m just a demon? I don’t matter?” He asked her venomously.

“What do you care? You’re getting what you want out of this deal. You wanted me with you. You wanted me to join you in the darkness, remember? Well, I’m here. And you know what? I’m loving it. I don’t understand why you aren’t thrilled. You got everything you wanted.” She told him heatedly, as she broke free from his grasp.

He stared at her incredulously. There was truth in her words. He did want her to embrace her darkness. He urged her to join him in his world. The only problem with that was her idea of his world wasn’t the same as what he believed it to be. He wanted her to stop fighting her nature, and just give in to the passion that they shared. He saw her as an outsider, just like he was. He had pulled her in, but instead of keeping each other afloat, she was sinking.

“This isn’t what I wanted.” He admitted softly.

“You should be careful what you wish for then.” She told him.

“I don’t know what kind of game your playing, but it’s over.” He told her.

“I’m not playing games. This is me. And I’m the one who gets to say it’s over.”

He grabbed her again and slammed her against the wall.

“You don’t control me.” He grumbled at her.

“Yes, I do.” She told him angrily.

His grip tightened and pressed her back against the wall harder.

“Wrong. I don’t know what kind of power trip you’re on, but it ends now.” He spat at her.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do!” She yelled at him.

“Yes I bloody well do! You are mine, and I say this ends.” He said pressing himself against her.

She pushed him backwards with all her force. He tumbled to the ground. She leapt on top of him and wrapped her hand around his throat. She pulled out her stake and held it above his chest. She glared down at him, full of fury.

“Who’s in control now, Spike? Me or you?” She asked evilly. “I can kill you with a flick of my wrist. The only reason you’re still here is because of me. Because I let you live.”

He just stared up at her in disbelief. He made no move to try and stop her. Her hand was squeezing his throat so tightly he could barely speak.

“You wanna kill me? Go ahead. You like it when they don’t fight back, don’t you?” He choked out.

She released her grip but kept her stake poised above his heart.

“What?” She asked.

“I said you like it when they don’t fight back. Does it make you feel all powerful? You feel special? Does destroying me make you feel good?” He asked her.

She stared down into his eyes. Then she looked at the stake in her hand. He was onto her. He saw right through her. She could feel herself slipping over the edge. She dropped her stake and scrambled to her feet.

“I-I need to get out of here.” She said, running for the door.

“Buffy! Get back here! This isn’t finished!” He shouted after her.

She ignored him and slammed the door behind her. He lay there on the ground, and stared up at the ceiling. Something was wrong with her. This wasn’t his Buffy. This wasn’t the girl he fell in love with. Something had completely snapped. It had been coming for months. He thought the worst of it was over when she had gone psycho and nearly killed him in that alley way. But apparently, that was just the beginning.

A sane person would have just packed up and headed out of town. Nothing worse for a vampire than an insane, vengeful Slayer. But he couldn’t abandon her. Not like this. He loved her too much. If something was wrong with her, he needed to know what it was. As far as he knew, Buffy had never even bothered to wonder why he could hit her. He assumed she didn’t care what she was now.

And at first, he didn’t either. He thought it would bring her down to his level. Make her realize that they were more alike than she wanted to admit. But it hadn’t worked the way he planned. They had gotten closer. They had shared something so intense and amazing, that being away from her felt like dying all over again. But in the end, she was slipping further away from him. He couldn’t let that happen.

* * * * * * * * * *

Buffy ran home and flew up the stairs. She didn’t bother saying hello to Dawn who was sitting on the couch. She went into her room and shut the door quickly. She stood there out of breath and looked around her room.

She saw all the frilly things she had in there. Lace pillow shams, flowery pictures on the walls. Everything was so cheerful and bright. It made her sick. She walked over to her bed and pulled the lacy shams off her pillows. She tossed them in the corner. She then went to her dresser and began removing anything that didn’t belong there anymore. All the reminders of her old life needed to be destroyed.

She looked up in the midst of her frantic cleaning and saw her reflection again. She stared at it intently. She felt nothing but contempt for the person staring back at her. The person she perceived as a cold, unfeeling monster.

“That isn’t me.” She said to her reflection.

She hauled her fist back and smashed the mirror to pieces. She didn’t want to look at herself anymore. Life was easier without having to see yourself everyday. If she didn’t have a reflection, nothing could bother her anymore. There’s only one way to make that happen…She thought to herself.

The pain she carried inside of her was suffocating. The guilt and shame over what she had become was more than she could bear. She found herself desperately wanting the numbness to return. Feeling nothing, was better than feeling this. She would wish for death again, but she feared Heaven might not take her back. She was cold and evil and completely devoid of humanity already. Maybe if she lost her soul, she could be free again. That was if she had any part of her soul left.

This was what she had to do. She was already a monster. She already craved violence and blood. This would just complete her. Make her feel whole again. To become what she was taught to fear, would be a fitting end for her. In her eyes, that was what she had already become.

She turned around quickly and opened her door to rush out. Dawn and Willow were standing there with a look of total alarm and dismay.

“Buffy, what’s going on? What happened?” Willow asked, scared for her friend.

“Nothing. I have to go.” She said quickly, pushing past them.

Willow grabbed her arm.

“No! Buffy, not until you tell us what is going on with you.” Willow said firmly.

“Don’t touch me!” Buffy shouted at her as she wrenched her arm free.

Dawn couldn’t help herself, and started to cry softly. Buffy was scaring her. She didn’t know what was happening to her sister.

“Buffy, stop. Please.” Dawn pleaded with her.

Buffy looked at her and saw the pain she was causing. It seemed all she ever did was cause pain. Everything she did, and everything she touched, she destroyed. She couldn’t take the guilt anymore.

“Dawn…I’m sorry. I…I’m sorry.” She said, as she ran past them and went down the stairs.

Before Dawn or Willow could catch up to her, Buffy was gone. Dawn started sobbing and Willow pulled her close.

“It’s okay, Dawnie. She’s just going through some stuff. She’ll get better.” Willow tried to reassure her.

“When? She’s getting worse, not better. She doesn’t even care about me anymore. She doesn’t care about any of us.” Dawn cried.

“She does. I know she does.” Willow said, not entirely convinced of that fact anymore.

* * * * * * * * * *

Buffy charged into Spike’s crypt and found him sitting in his chair. He had been lost in thought and jumped up startled at her intrusion.

“Buffy?” He asked, wondering if she was there to go through with it. Kill him once and for all.

She hurried over to him and grabbed him by the shirt. She looked up at him with a crazed look in her eyes.

“Change me.” She pleaded.

“What?” He asked with confusion.

“Change me. Make me into somebody else. Take this pain away. I don’t want to feel it anymore.” She told him desperately.

“Buffy have you gone mad?” He asked horrified at her suggestion.

“Please, I can’t do this. Make it stop. I know you can make it stop. Make me whole.” She told him with tears in her eyes.

He grabbed her shoulders and tried to calm her down.

“Stop this now! Think about what you’re saying.” He told her seriously.

“I know what I’m saying. I want to be like you. Make me like you.” She told him.

He stared at her in disbelief. He shoved her down to the ground and moved away from her.

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“I don’t want you to kill me. I want you make me alive. We can be together forever.” She said trying to convince him.

“What is this? Some kind of weird game? You don’t like your life anymore, so you want mine?” He asked angrily.

The thought that she would ask this of him made him sick inside.

“Maybe.” She whispered almost inaudibly.

“Get a grip on yourself. You think that by becoming a monster, suddenly your life is easy?” He began to pace in front of her anxiously.

“Don’t tell me it’s not easier! You know it is. You don’t have to look at yourself everyday. You don’t care about the things you’ve done. You don’t have to feel the guilt and the pain. I’m already a monster. You can make it okay for me to be like this.” She implored him.

“You think I don’t feel pain?” He snapped at her.

“Not like I do.”

“Quit being so selfish and listen to yourself. What about Dawn? What about your friends? What about their pain? You still have no idea what it was like for us when you were gone. Now you wanna put them through that again? You want it to be that much worse for them, knowing that you’ve become everything you’ve been fighting against your whole life?” He pleaded with her desperately.

“I don’t care…God, I don’t care. I can’t care about anything.” She whispered sadly.

“God…What’s happened to you?” He whispered sadly.

“You can help me.” She said as she took his hands and held them to her chest.

“Not like that. I won’t do it. I love you too much.” He stated firmly.

She looked at him and her lip began to quiver. She tried to push back her tears. She was so lost. Completely off the deep end and drowning. She reached out for the one person she felt could save her, and he denied her.

She bit her tears back and stared at him. She shoved him to the ground angrily.

“I knew you wouldn’t save me.” She told him as she turned and ran out.

“I’m trying to.” He whispered, but she was already gone.

He had no idea what she’d do next. There was no telling if she’d deliberately seek out another vampire to do what he wouldn’t. The thing he couldn’t do. He loved her life. Her spirit, her vibrancy. He wanted her to live. She was the only thing that made him feel alive again. In a way that he had never felt. Not even when he was living. If she lost that life, they’d both be dead.

* * * * * *

The Art of Falling Apart

~ Help me, I broke apart my insides

Help me, I’ve got no soul to sell

Help me, the only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself…~ NINE INCH NAILS