Graveside Confessions

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E-mail Hilary

By Beth Muramoto

RATED: G
Set after Joyce's death

Spike walked solemnly through the cemetery. Clenched in his fist were a bunch of wildflowers. Try as he might, he couldn't stop his eyes from tearing up and by the time he got to where he wanted to go, a few tears had been shed.

He stopped and almost reverently kneeled before the grave he had come to visit. Spike softly laid the flowers on the still soft earth then stroked the headstone.

"I'm sorry, Joyce, for not coming sooner. You've had a lot of visitors and I didn't want to intrude on their mourning, especially Buffy. This seems to be the first night she hasn't come by." Spike took in a breath.

"I probably have no right to be here…If Buffy were here, I'm sure she'd stake me good and proper, but I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you never treated me like a freak. I never said it, but you really helped me and you never passed judgment. I wished everyone else had your understanding." Spike paused as he sat down and made himself comfortable. "I will miss you. You did a right good job with Buffy. She's a beautiful, caring, devoted woman. She's hurtin' and taking on too much. I wish I could help her, but she would never seek comfort from me."

Spike wiped his tears away and sniffled. The pain of Joyce's death and Buffy's dismissal of him built up inside of him until he couldn't hold back. He didn't realize that someone had spotted him and was watching silently.

"I know that you were proud of her. You told me that so many times. I'll do my best to protect her even though she hates me. Funny thing, I wish you were here so I could tell you how much I love your daughter. I know you'd understand. Know that it's real. I have no one to tell. Everyone hates me and Buffy doesn't believe I can feel this way. How do you convince someone that you love them? That you're different because you do love them? I'm at a loss. I've never been so lost in all my one hundred years.

"You were a good mother to everyone, even to me. As long as I have lived, I still can't understand why good people die and evil people don't. Including me. I want you to know that I would gladly trade places with you if it meant you could be here, be with Buffy so that she wouldn't be in pain anymore. I'm not worth anything in this world. I've known that for a long while, especially without Buffy's love and acceptance, but still I fight. I don't know of any other way. Sometimes I wish they would kill me to take this bloody awful pain away."

Suddenly, Spike broke into a sob.

Buffy had been coming to her mother's grave every night, unable to come to terms with the reality of her being gone. She always made sure to stop by after her patrols, to sit with her mom. Tonight, she was surprised to find Spike there and even though initially she was angry and wanted to kick his ass, she heard him talking and stopped to listen. When she heard his words and how heartfelt they were, her anger left her and her grief returned, but she was now sharing it silently with Spike. She listened to the pain in his voice, the real affection for her mother that he had and it made her wonder how she could ever have thought so badly of him. Her mother had let him into the house, talked with him, listened to his problems and cared. She was ashamed at herself that her mom saw something in Spike that she had never considered, humanity. She had trusted him with her life and he had never taken advantage of that trust. She shifted her foot and snapped a branch. Spike immediately jerked around to look for the intruder who had interrupted his intimate moment. When he saw it was Buffy, he wiped the tears from his face, stood up and started to walk briskly away.

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I know I shouldn’t be here. I'll be going so you can have time with your mum."

"No, Spike, wait, don't leave. You have as much right to be here as I do."

Spike turned around and looked into Buffy's eyes and saw tears that matched his own, but also a sincerity that had never been there.

"No, I don’t. I'll be going." Spike insisted.

"Please!" Buffy yelled louder than she had expected. "I mean, please, Spike, don't go really. I…I don't want to be alone."

Spike walked tentatively back to the grave and Buffy.

"I'm sorry, but I did hear some of what you said, I didn't mean to eavesdrop…"

"It's all right, Buffy."

"Please sit with me." Buffy said as she sat on the fresh earth as Spike had before.

Spike complied warily.

"I never knew you and my mom…" Buffy started. "Please tell me what you talked about, if it's okay. I don't want to pry, but I need to hear more about her…it's like my memories of her aren't enough…" Buffy broke down. "Spike, when does the pain go away?"

Spike reached for her and held her in his arms. He never gave a second thought to possibly being staked. He never could stand to see her in any kind of pain. He rocked her as well as stroked her head.

"Buffy, it will stop someday, I promise you. It's still fresh. Let yourself mourn for her. She was someone worth mourning and you loved her. She was your mum. Don't keep that to yourself. Don't keep it bottled inside you. Let the tears and pain come, then suddenly you'll realize you don't hurt anymore when you think of her. You and Dawn have to cry together. Don't shut each other out. "

"I know…but I miss her so much. I want to be strong for Dawn, but I don't think I can. I can't be strong for me. It's like I want to remember everything so that I don't forget her. I'm afraid I'll forget her."

"That will never happen, luv. She will never leave your heart. I'm not a believer in religion, but I know that she is here with you, is hating that you are going through this and can't help you, but she also knows you have your friends to help you through. You also have Dawn. You don't have to be strong for her or anyone else. Loving your mum and missing her isn't weak. It's love, plain and simple. There's nothing simpler."

"I have you too, don't I?" Buffy asked in that small little girl voice of hers that breaks his heart everytime.

Spike was taken aback by her admission. He'd never expected her to include him as someone she would turn to for any reason.

"I'll be here for you even if you never ask me to be. I can promise you that." Spike said as non-committally as he could, but his thoughts strayed and he added, "I'm helpless to do anything else."

Buffy nodded her head against his chest.

"Spike, tell me more about your time with her."

Spike took a deep unneeded breath. It would hurt him, at first, to relive those wonderful moments, knowing that there would be no more of them, but if it would help her, he would do it.

"Your mum was a good woman. When Dru dumped me, she let me tell her how I felt. Made a cuppa cocoa for me. I'll never forget her kindness to me." Spike paused. "She loved you so much, luv. She talked about you all the time. Told me how much she worried about you, but knew that you were strong. Said she would always worry even if she was the mother of a slayer. Make no mistake, she loved you and was proud of you."

"I felt like I always let her down."

"Not at all. She had to play the mum and be stern and all that, but you never disappointed her. She told me that when you left after closing Acathla, she was angry at herself, not at you."

"But I caused her to feel that way by leaving…"

"You needed some time. She realized that later on, but don't ever believe that she loved you any less for leaving. She couldn't. She wouldn't know how."

Bu ffy looked up at him, tears gone, but her eyes red and puffy.

"Thank you, Spike for coming to visit her."

"You don't have to thank me. I cared about your mum. Wish I could have come sooner. Do you feel a little better?"

"Yes, more than when Angel was here."

Spike grimaced at the mention of his name.

"I doubt that." Spike said a little more angrily than he had intended.

"No, really. I couldn't share the good memories of mom with him. He didn't have any. Mom hated him."

"No, luv, she didn't. She hated Angelus, but was afraid of Angel becoming Angelus again. It was in her motherly nature to distrust someone who had hurt you."

Buffy was amazed at how Spike knew so much of her mom's feelings. It touched her to hear him speak so lovingly of her.

"Still, mom trusted you and you never took advantage of that".

"I could never hurt your mum. No more than I could ever hurt you or Dawn. Like I said, I'm helpless to anything else, but love and protect you both. You can deny it, but I can't and won't."

Buffy was moved by his conviction. It was nice to hear those words from him. It made her feel safe.

"She shared her fears and hopes with you. Thanks for sharing them with me. I know it hurt you, but I really needed to hear it. It helps so much."

"I'm glad that it did, pet."

"I don't hate you, Spike." Buffy said suddenly and quickly.

Spike didn't know what to say. It came out so quickly. He was expecting Buffy to take it back, but she didn't.

"Buffy, I-"

"To be honest, I haven't hated you for a long time now. It was just easier to pretend to hate you than to admit that I cared about you."

Buffy heaved a sigh. She didn't understand why she was confessing this to Spike, but it felt right, almost like her mom was guiding her to say these things.

"I'm not a religious person either, but sitting here with you, talking about my mom, for the first time, I almost can feel her here. Like she's smiling at me and telling me that it's okay for me to tell you things. That you and she shared stuff and that I should too. Does that make any sense?"

Spike smiled almost shyly and stroked her cheek.

"Yes, it does. I can almost feel her here too. She is watching over you. I do believe that with all of my heart."

"I know and now so do I. Thank you, Spike for making me feel her again."

"You're welcome."

The End