by Allison Grace

Five weeks. Barely over one month, and she was already wanting him back.

Buffy sighed. She knew that she shouldn’t want to have Spike back; she should jump onto Xander’s bandwagon of Spike-hate and be glad the fiend from peroxide-land was gone, but a part of her, a very large part, wanted him back. Wanted to take back all of the bad things that had happened.

Wanted to forgive and to forget.

The front door opened and shut quietly. Willow. She was always so quiet anymore, talking quietly, walking quietly, doing everything she could as quiet as possible, maybe to make sure she went unnoticed, unseen by the eyes of her friends.

“Willow!” Buffy said, not about to let Willow walk up to her room and sulk all day. “Dawn is at Janice’s. You wouldn’t mind going over there to pick her up, would you?”

Buffy smirked as she saw the look of resentment on Willow’s face. “I know what you’re doing.” the ex-witch said, half-mockingly. “You’re trying to shove all of your chores onto me, so I can’t go and be alone like I’ve been planning to do all day since working on the Magic Box.”

Buffy nodded and said, “You’re still so quick. That’s one Willow-factor that will never change.”

Willow rolled her eyes and walked quietly out of the room and shut the door quietly behind her before walking off to Janice’s to pick up the teenager.

Buffy looked back at the dishes, which seemed to be mocking her with their grease stains that could rival any DoubleMeat Palace Food Tray.

Setting her dishcloth aside, she decided in her mind that Dawn could do the dishes as she went into the living room to get Spike’s leather duster and start her patrol.

The vampires in Sunnydale were, as usual, stupid, fast, and increasingly annoying as the night went on, leaving one very pissed off Slayer and poor Clem, who was doomed to listen to one of her rants about Spike.

“And for another thing, who does he think he is?” Buffy asked, laying down two cards and motioning for Clem to keep dealing. “I mean, I do all of the hard stuff, the initiation, the break-up, everything, and then he just goes? What kind of guy does that?”

Clem just nodded as he dealt the Slayer another hand. This happened about once a week; the Slayer would come over after her patrol, looking flushed, tired, and really, really angry, demand that they play cards, and the entire time, rant about either her life, vampires in general, or one blonde-haired vampire in particular, ending up with her occasionally getting drunk off the bottles of Burgundy still laying around, or crashing at the crypt until morning, when she would apologize to Clem and leave.

And she only did it when she was wearing *his* coat.

Buffy looked at her cards and scowled at them, before setting them down and picking up more. “And the vampires in Sunnydale ... my god, they all have some kind of personality disorder if you ask me. I mean, do all vampires think that they are tough stuff? That they are the top of the food chain or something?”

Clem nodded and said, “They usually do. It’s just a vampire thing, you know?”

Buffy took a drink of ... something, and then sat back and sighed. “He always thought that he was the best I could get. He liked to tell me that sometimes ... you know, right afterwards. Always thought he was the it.”

She stood, grabbing his coat off of the floor. “Look, I don’t want to be a bother. I think I’m just gonna head home. Maybe Willow will fix me some hot cocoa.” she said, slipping into the worn leather.

Clem just nodded, barely containing his surprise. This was the first time she had left before dawn.

Buffy didn’t say anything else as she left, trying to shake that feeling that someone had been watching her in there. She power-walked/jogged home, trying to get over the shivers that racked her system.

Meanwhile, back in the crypt, Clem started to pick up the mess that he and the Slayer had made. Bottle of alcohol here, discarded cards there, chip dip coming from every possible angle.

Then, he felt it. Another presence in the crypt. Behind him.

“So, you’ve finally come home?” he asked, knowing who was standing there, concealed by the shadows. “About time.”

*********************************

Dawn and Willow were watching TV and eating popcorn when she got back, looking at her oddly as she rushed to lock and bolt the door.

“Some baddie chasing you?” Willow asked, sounding concerned. “Should Dawnie and I head for cover?”

Buffy turned and shook her head, smiling. “No, it’s just, you know, paranoia. Since my resident stalker has left Sunnydale, I don’t think it’s anything other than a stray dog or cat or demon hatchling.”

Willow smiled, relieved, and Dawn said, “By the way, what’s up with all the dishes? There’s like, a million in there, and I think that they’re growing things.”

Buffy tried her best to keep a straight face. “Dawn, don’t you remember? It’s your turn to do the dishes.”

Dawn’s jaw dropped. “It is so not.” she said indignantly. “I did them last night.”

“No, you didn’t. I remember, because I had to clean all three of your old Aladdin cups.” Buffy lied, knowing that she would easily convince Dawn. “And I had to go out and use my new blackberries-and-cream moisturizing lotion to smooth the wrinkles out of my hands.”

The look on Dawn’s face was that of pure disdain and resentment as she trundled out to the kitchen, set on doing the dishes.

Willow smiled and then glared at Buffy. “I can’t believe she bought that.” she said. “You have always been such a horrible liar.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and all-but fell onto the couch. “I’ll make it up to her. I promise.” she said, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “I just didn’t really feel like it.”

“That makes sense. You know, with the way you spend each day moping.” Willow said, knowingly, even though the look Buffy gave her was enough to burn through cement.

“What are you talking about?” Buffy said, trying to sound semi-surprised and semi-truthful.

“It’s obvious. You miss Spike.” Willow said, noting the look on Buffy’s face. “Buffy, everyone can see it. The way you sigh every time we mention him or the cemetery he lived in, the way you are always wearing his coat, and even the way you refer to him. I mean, you haven’t said his name once since you found out he left.”

Buffy looked out to see whether or not Dawn was listening in, and then said quietly, “Is it really that obvious?”

Willow winked at her and turned the TV off. “No. I’m just really sensitive to other people’s emotions lately.” She stretched and stood. “Well, I’m going to hit the sack. Big day tomorrow. Xander’s going to teach me how to dry-wall.”

Buffy laughed. “Oh yeah, sounds just as much fun as cleaning out the grease traps at the DoubleMeat Palace.”

Willow smiled and started up the stairs. She paused half-way on the way there, and said quietly, “You know, he’ll be back. When has he ever really left?” She continued her way to the stairs, lightly jogging up them.

Buffy sighed again and turned the TV back on. She wasn’t going to be asleep any time soon. “I know.” she said to herself. “I just wish he was back now.”

******************************************

“Well, are you just going to sit in the dark all night long, or are you going to come out so I can see you?” Clem asked the dark figure.

Without saying a word, Spike stepped out from the dark into the semi-lighted space in the crypt. Clem was shocked, for the most part.

Hair which was once almost-white, was now a dark brown, with white tips. Cheekbones which had always been so prominent on his face were now sharp, pointed ends jutting out of his face. And his arms, and as much of his body as Clem could see was covered in livid bruises, with bones lurking eerily close to the skin.

“So, I really look that bad, mate?”

Clem swallowed the lump in his throat. “What? N-no, you don’t look that bad. I mean, you’ve looked better ... but, I mean, your hair looks, good. You know, in a different kind of way. And, um, you’ve been in a few fights, obviously, and ... um, you’re about three sizes thinner, but, you know what, that’s okay-”

Spike held up his hand to get Clem to stop.

Clem just looked at Spike, and sighed. “Spike, you look like crap. Except for your hair. It really looks good.”

Spike smiled, and Clem winced. The Spike he knew never smiled. He leered, sneered, smirked, and laughed at you, but he never smiled. And certainly, not a smile filled with such self-loathing it might as well have been a frown.

“So, um, where have you been?” Clem asked, shuffling nervously.

“Here and about.” Spike said, reaching into his back pants pockets (which were much too baggy now) and grabbing a cigarette. “Left here, found myself in Africa, just like you said.”

“You went to Africa?” Clem asked, amazed.

Spike nodded and lit up his cigarette, taking a long drag before continuing. “Yeah, went to Africa. Found myself one of them dark demons who works the darkest of all mojo’s. Told him to take the chip out of my head.”

“So, you don’t have it anymore?” Clem asked, sadly. He had become friends with Spike after he had gotten the chip, and if he lost it, then Spike would become a different demon than he already was. And Clem liked Spike just the way he was ... had been.

“I don’t know.”

“You haven’t tested it?” Clem asked, obviously surprised.

Another drag. “Never tested it. See, took these tests. Demon wanted to make sure I was *worthy* of it. Nearly killed myself taking those things.”

“Is that why you have all the bruises?”

Spike looked down at his arms and nodded. “Thought that they would’ve healed by now.”

“Maybe if you ate, they would heal.” Clem said, worriedly. “I’m sure that there’s still some blood in the fridge. I’ll go get you some.”

“No thanks, mate.” Spike said, finishing his cigarette and quickly lighting another one. “Just got back, not sure if I’d keep it down.”

Clem stopped moving and asked, “Why wouldn’t you keep it down? There’s something else, isn’t there? Something’s different.”

Spike smiled that horrible smile again and said, “Well, told you, took some tests. Demon found me worthy of what I wanted. To be what I was, you know, so Buffy could get what she deserved. Bastard.” He stopped for a second, lost in thought.

((Very well ... we will return your soul.))

“I told him that I wanted to be back to what I was, you know? I meant before the chip! But no, he had to go and get all ... literal on me. Gave me something I didn’t want.”

“Your soul.” Clem whispered. The pieces all fit together; the bruises, his weight, that smile ... the demon had given him back his soul. And Clem knew enough about Spike’s mortal past to know that his soul wouldn’t be doing the best. “So, you’re not Spike anymore? You’re, um, what was your name?”

“Spike.” he said. “I’m still me, just with a bleedin’ conscience that likes to torment me, keep me from eating, and everything.”

“What did you say afterwards?” Clem asked, sitting down.

Spike laughed. Not the best few moments of his life...

((What the fuck did you do to me?))

((Returned you to your former self, vampire. You have got what you wished for.))

((I didn’t want this, you twit!))

((That is not of my concern.))

A sob. ((Please ... take it back. I can’t, oh god, I can’t do this!))

((Nothing can take it away. You will bear your soul for the rest of your immortal life.))

“Not much. Begged some, pleaded with him to take it away from me. Didn’t listen though. Disappeared. Told me to wait until sundown before I left. Tried to throw myself into the sun once ... he had some sort of protection spell on the place. Couldn’t get out until nightfall.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.” Clem said sadly. “Is there anything you want?”

Spike’s gaze dropped and he shook his head. “Not really. Wasn’t even sure if you were still here.”

“Oh, are you kidding?” Clem said, amazed. “This place you got is really nice. I mean, I didn’t see it before you started with it, but you really made it nice, and Dawn and I even managed to fix up the basement.”

“Bit was here? Thought she’d hate me or something for leaving.” Spike said, finally sitting down.

“Well, she wasn’t too thrilled at you for a while.” Clem said. “I guess she found out about what happened between you and Buffy before you left, and she wasn’t too happy for a very long time ... but she got over it. She hangs out here a lot, and always asks me if you’re back.”

“Dawn knows?” Spike asked, shocked. He didn’t think Buffy would tell anyone about what he had done ... tried to do to her.

“Well, not exactly. I guess Xander found out right after it happened, and then he spilled to Dawn, and Buffy confirmed it. And then, Anyanka found out, and she spilled to everyone.”

Spike shook his head and stood. “Well, anyways, if you like this place so much, you can have it.” He started looking around again for something, picking up some stuff while he searched.

“What? Aren’t you going to stay?” Clem asked. “You just got back. Aren’t you going to see the others?”

Spike sighed. “Don’t think so. I think I’ve caused enough damage here.”

“Then why did you bother to come back at all?” The comment from the demon was the harshest Spike had ever heard from him.

“Said I would come back. Never said for how long.” A pause. “And, I forgot my coat.”

“Well, it isn’t here, if that’s what you’re looking for. She has it.”

Spike stopped and remembered. He had left his coat at Buffy’s, and then went straight to the crypt. He hadn’t remembered to pick it up.

“She wears it all of the time.”

“Then she can bloody well keep it.” Spike said, heading for the door. ‘I am not going to see her.’ he thought. ‘I’ve already hurt her enough.’

He didn’t even see the well-tempered demon approach from behind, and he certainly didn’t fight when two hundred pounds of demon forcefully pushed him to the ground.

“Sorry buddy.” Clem said to the unconscious figure, laying prone on the cement, three steps behind him. “But, she’s hurting, and you’re not going to get away without seeing her. I just hope you don’t kill me when you come to.”

Without saying another word, he lifted the small man over his shoulders and headed out into the darkness.

*************************************************************

Dawn had finished the dishes and came back into the living room, watching late night/early morning television with Buffy until they both fell asleep.

They were both startled awake by the sound of the door-bell at 4:20 in the morning.

Buffy grabbed at her stake and Dawn clutched onto her sister’s back. “What is it Buffy?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” Buffy said, inching towards the door. “Stay behind me. If something rams on in, run upstairs and get Willow up, and lock yourselves in her room.”

Buffy felt Dawn nodding behind her, and she continued to approach the door. She relaxed when she saw through the window only to see Clem standing there.

“It’s just Clem.” she said, putting the stake down and getting Dawn to let go of her before opening the door.

But, it wasn’t just Clem.

It was Clem holding Spike.

“Hiya Buffy!” Clem said nicely. “And Dawn. Wow, you guys are really staying up late.”

Buffy couldn’t say anything as she just let Clem in, shutting the door behind him. They all moved into the living room, where Dawn quietly shut off the TV. They stood there, until Clem said, “He’s starting to wake up. Can I set him down somewhere?”

Buffy nodded and pointed to the couch, where Clem laid him down gently. Buffy noticed the hair instantly, and then the bruises and finally, the extra-baggy clothing.

“What happened to him?” Dawn asked, voicing the question Buffy was too scared to ask herself.

“Well, he showed up about a couple hours ago, right after you left, Buffy.” Clem explained. “We talked a little. He told me that he had been to Africa, and that he ... that he had gotten a soul.”

Buffy gasped, and Dawn just stared at Spike. “He got a soul?” she asked.

Clem nodded. “But, he says that it’s still him, and not the person he was before. And then, I tried to feed him something, but he refused, and then he started talking about leaving. He said he wanted to find his coat, but when I told him it was here, he said that you could have it, and made to leave. I ... couldn’t let him do that to you guys, so I konked him on the head and carried him over.”

“He’s hurt.” Buffy said softly, moving over to Spike’s side and gently touching the livid bruises. “What happened to him?”

“In order to get his soul, he had to go through, well, he called them ‘tests’. I’m guessing that they were really hard and that they hurt him. And, if he hasn’t been eating, they haven’t been healing much. I’m also guessing that some of them could be ... possibly be self-self-”

“Self inflicted.” Buffy said dismally. There was no doubt about it. Some of the gashes had obviously come from punching walls, or other things.

Spike shifted on the couch, and Buffy had to keep him from rolling off. And that’s how Spike woke up, with Buffy crouched over him, holding onto him.

“Spike?” Buffy whispered, holding onto him just that much tighter, until she felt his ribs poking into her arms.

“Slayer.” he said, acknowledging her.

No one spoke for a long time.

Finally, Buffy coughed and broke the silence. “So, um, you got a soul now?” she asked him, trying not to meet his crystal blue gaze.

“Found out about that, eh?” he asked, sitting up and shaking the Vampire Slayer off of him. “Yeah, well, if you think I’m going to be just like his broodiness, you’re wrong.”

“I never said that.” Buffy said, finally backing off. “I was just asking.”

Dawn sensed the hostility in the air, and grabbed a hold of Clem’s arm. When the demon started to protest, she lifted up one of his ears and whispered, “They’re gonna blow up at each other any second, and we have to warn Willow before she thinks someone’s here to kill us.”

Clem nodded and quietly followed the teenager up the stairs.

Not noticing Clem and Dawn’s departure, Buffy and Spike continued to stare each other down.

“Why haven’t you been eating?” Buffy asked, again breaking the uncomfortable silence between the two.

Spike laughed. “Don’t pretend you care, Slayer.”

“I do care whether or not you kill yourself.”

“Shock.” Spike leered. “You never seemed to care before. Maybe I should have left earlier.”

“Yeah, you should have.” Buffy raised to the bait. “Then you wouldn’t have screwed up my entire life. In fact, maybe you should have never came to town at all.”

Spike’s gaze grew harder. “That so? Never wanted me here in the first place? That’s a very nice thing to say to someone who just woke up in your arms. Not that I never did before-”

“Shut. Up.” Buffy said. “It’s over.”

“Well, yeah.” He mocked. “You know, a bloke gets that when someone *blows up the entire lower part of his home*!”

“Really? Cause you didn’t seem to give up? In fact, who tried to force himself on me, after I said it was over?”

Buffy watched as Spike drew visibly into himself, and wondered if that had been too much. He sprung for the door, but Buffy beat him there.

“No! We have to get this out now!” she shouted, pushing him back inside the household.

“I’m through bloody talking to you Buffy!” he said, for once calling her by her real name. “You tell me you wish you had never met me, and then say that we need to talk? About what, huh? About the way we hurt each other? The ways I hurt you?” Buffy just stood there, shocked, as Spike finally let it all out. “Why did you think I left in the first place? To kill you? For once, it wasn’t about you, pet.”

“I thought you’d left to get the chip out.” Buffy said softly.

Spike calmed down for a second, and then said, “Yeah, maybe I was. I didn’t know what I was bloody after. All I knew, was that this wasn’t working out. You think I enjoy loving you? Do you think I planned any of this out? I wish I wanted to kill you! But, no matter what, I can’t! I got this bloody soul because I wanted to give you what you deserved! And, apparently, the damned demon who gave it to me, decided that this is what you deserve.”

“You wanted to give me what I deserve?” Buffy asked. “Why not just kill me?”

“You don’t know?” Spike asked. “Buffy, you know I’ve been in love with you for nearly two years now, and you don’t know why I couldn’t kill you?”

“Demons can’t love-”

“Yeah, I know that song too, pet.” Spike said, holding his hand close to his dead heart. “But, if I recall, you said that someone couldn’t love without a soul. You planning on changing the rules again? Because I’m not crying and brooding like *Angel*?”

“For having a soul, you don’t seem different at all.” Buffy said coldly. “You’re still a jerk. Self-centered. Hopeless.”

Again, Spike tried to push past her, but Buffy held him back, throwing him to the ground. She hadn’t cracked his defenses yet. She had to get him to open up. “Weak. God, but you’ve always been weak, haven’t you. And what’s worse, you claim love, but you did nothing but hurt me-”

“SO WHY DON’T YOU LET ME LEAVE!!??” he finally cried out, giving into the pain and the tears and collapsing completely onto the floor. “I left because I hurt you, and it scared me. I had hurt you, Buffy. And, three years ago, I would’ve paid to see you killed, but suddenly, I had hurt you, and I felt like th world was ending.”

He looked up to her, and Buffy couldn’t breathe. Not in all her life had she seen something so pure. Spike was looking at her, tears in his eyes, all of his hatred and confusion pouring out of him.

“So, I wanted an answer.” he continued. “Why do you make me feel this way? I gave you my everything, and you only shot me down! Told me I was convenient. And that’s all I’ve ever been. Dru’s substitute for Angelus. Harm’s substitute for whatever Mexican wanker she wanted to screw. And your substitute for Angel. And now, just to make it complete, I have to deal with so many deaths I can’t count them all.”

“Spike, please, I’m sorry-” Buffy said, but he wouldn’t let her finish, his voice becoming so quiet she had to strain to hear it.

“I remember each one ... so vividly. Vampires don’t forget things like humans do, Buffy. Every death I caused, I remember it perfectly.”

He stood shakily, and looked at her one more time. “That’s why I can’t stay here. I’ll just hurt you, and-”

Buffy cut him off, silencing him with her lips. She wrapped her arms around his slim body, pulling him closer to her.

She pulled back for a second, and then said, “Leave me now, and never come back. Stay with me now, and stay with me until death.”

Spike was more than surprised. “Buffy, what-”

She silenced him again with her finger. “No Spike, you listen to me. Everyone’s always told me that when they leave, it’s for my best interest. But, you, you can’t leave. If you leave, you’ll die. And me? I’ll hurt. You’ll hurt me if you leave. More than anything you could ever do here.”

Spike closed his eyes. “Never hurt you again. I promise.”

“Promise me you’ll never leave me?” Buffy asked the vampire, only slightly wondering where all the hate and fighting had gone to.

“Forever.”

Buffy kissed Spike again, wiping his tears away from his face with one hand, while circling his back with the other.

He still tasted like fire and passion, but she could taste something else there; poems and sunlight.

“Forever.”

The End