Fear and Longing
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Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, I just use them and twist them around for my own pleasure, and hopefully yours. J
Comment: This is a sequel to my fic Love and Hate. You can read this alone, but it works better if you read the other one first. I just felt that the other story needed a little more. I wanted to know what happened next. This is just my pure, silly fantasy. Enjoy. J
Fear and Longing
It was a dark, cold February night. Buffy and Spike walked through the empty graveyard side by side. They weren’t speaking, but it was a comfortable silence for them both. It had been two months since the night they had talked in her room, two months since Riley had walked out of Buffy’s life. She had accepted it and fully realized that letting him go was probably the best thing that she could have done for him and for her.
Since that time Spike was a constant presence in her life. More so than before, because this time she actually wanted him there. He didn’t need to stalk her or lurk in the shadows anymore. She accepted him as a part of her life. What role he actually played, neither of them knew for sure. She thought of him as a friend. He sat back and played that part, secretly hoping that it would turn into something much more. He knew better than to reveal his hand too soon. He knew it was hard enough for her to be friendly with him, he wouldn’t push her. He had come this far, and wasn’t about to frighten her away now. He had all the time in the world, didn’t he? He could wait. But it was hard and getting harder.
Every time he was with her, he wanted to tell her how he felt. He wanted to grab her and kiss her and make love to her. But, he also didn’t feel like hearing the cold, hard truth that she didn’t love him and never would. He preferred to live the fantasy in his head rather than have the dream shattered too soon.
"There’s nothing going on tonight. Where are all the baddies?" Buffy asked, breaking the silence.
"Don’t know, Luv. Maybe it’s a vampire holiday or something?" He said to her with a smile.
"If it was, wouldn’t you know about it?" She said raising her eyebrow.
"Well, I left my vampire datebook at home, so I couldn’t tell you." He said sarcastically.
"Very funny." She said flatly. "I’m tired and bored. I think I’ll call it a night."
"So soon?" He didn’t want her to leave yet.
"Well, it’s pretty cold and quiet out here, and I have a nice warm bed calling to me, so yeah, I’m done." She said.
"You want me to walk you home in case some kind evil rears its ugly head?" He said hopefully. He just wanted to draw out the time they were together.
"I can make it on my own, thanks." She said to him.
"If you’re sure. I just thought maybe you would want the company." He said softly.
"If you really want to, you can. Either way." She said indifferently.
"Okay, then. Home we go." He was so pathetic, and he knew it. She certainly didn’t need his protection; she was the Slayer after all. But he just liked to be around her.
They walked the rest of the way in silence. It was a really cold night, and Buffy was starting to shiver. Her jacket was not very heavy and failed to keep her warm. They reached her house finally.
"Well, this is my stop." She said.
"Okay. Well, see you later, I guess." He said nervously. He was acting like a stupid schoolboy and he hated it. He wished he could go back to just simply despising her. It was so much easier, and then at least he knew she returned the feelings.
"It’s really cold out here. Do you want to come in for awhile?" She asked. She could tell he didn’t want to leave. She wasn’t sure why he was acting the way he was, but she kind of thought it was cute.
"Cold doesn’t really bother me, Luv. I’m already dead, you know?" He said.
"Oh, right. Well, if you don’t want to come in…"
"Oh, no, I’ll come in." He said quickly. "I mean, for a minute or something." He was trying to sound casual to cover for the stupidity that he felt.
They walked into her warm house. She turned on a small light in the living room. She shook off her jacket and sat down. She started taking her shoes off and tossed them into the corner. She leaned back onto the cushion of the couch and sighed.
Spike sat down in a chair opposite her. He just looked at her. She was so damn beautiful. Why did she have to be so beautiful? He wondered. If she had been hideous and ugly he might have been able to kill her long ago. But, no, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen and now here he was in her house, in her life, and she was in his heart. She didn’t belong there, he knew that. But as he had said to her before, love was not something you planned or tried for, it just happened. No control over it at all.
"So do you want me to go patrolling with you tomorrow night, too?" He said, trying to insinuate himself even further into her life. He knew she didn’t need him to go with her, but she had been letting him go, so he wasn’t complaining.
"Actually… no. I’m not patrolling tomorrow." She said with hesitation.
"Why not? Is it a Slayer holiday?" He said with a smirk.
"Ha, Ha." She said sarcastically. " Actually it is. Well, a human holiday anyway. It’s Valentines Day. I’m supposed to go out with the gang and have fun." She said with mock excitement.
"You don’t sound too thrilled."
"I’m not, really. I mean, I’m alone, dateless, sans a Valentine. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of celebrating." She said sadly.
If only he could tell her that she wasn’t alone, that someone did care about her, that she was loved.
"You’ll be with your friends. They care about you." He said trying to be comforting.
"But they all have someone. Willow has Tara and Xander has Anya. I’m like the big, stupid fifth wheel." She said saddened by the thought of watching all her friends happy and in love, while she sat there alone. "I probably won’t go anyway. They won’t miss me."
"Sure they will, they invited you didn’t they?"
"Just to be nice, not because they need me there. Valentines Day is for lovers, and since I am currently challenged in that department…" She trailed off.
Spike felt bad for her. He knew what it was like to feel lonely. When Dru left him, he felt like he was going to die. He hadn’t been alone for over a hundred years and didn’t know what to do with himself. He was beginning to realize that some people just didn’t want to be alone. They couldn’t. They just could not stand feeling unloved or unneeded. He was one of them, Buffy was another.
"So if you don’t go, do you want patrol?" He asked.
"Nah, I think I might just stay home and rent sad movies while I wallow in self pity."
"Suit yourself. A little killing might cheer you up, though. It always did for me." He said with a smile.
"Thanks, but I’ll pass. I always say a little chocolate or some ice cream does wonders." She smiled.
She knew she must be crazy, but having Spike around was so comfortable. She didn’t even remember when it had gotten to this point. She let her guard down with him. She knew he was still a vampire without a soul, but he knew so much about life for someone who had been technically dead for more than hundred years. Once she got over all the hate and anger, she began to see him differently. He was funny, and could be nice. She almost couldn’t even remember what it was like to hate him.
She knew she wouldn’t be sitting here with him, pouring out her heart, if it weren’t for that chip in his head. One of them would be dead by now, and she felt confident that it would have been him. Now, just the thought of him dying and not being there, gave her a dull ache in the pit of her stomach. She pushed that thought out of her mind and stretched.
"I’m really tired." She yawned. "I’m going to go to bed now. I need my beauty sleep."
"You’re already beautiful." He said softly to himself.
"What did you say?" She asked him startled.
"What?" He couldn’t believe he had said that out loud. He was thinking it, but he never meant to actually say it.
"I thought I heard you say I was beautiful."
"I did? Well…You are, Luv." He felt like he was going to be sick. He had to act cool. "I better get going now. See ya around." A quick get away was the best plan.
She just stood there looking at him. He was acting all nervous. She couldn’t believe he had said that to her. Spike, giving out compliments.
He looked back at her as he made his way to the door. She was standing there staring at him. He wondered what she was thinking. Probably that he was pathetic. That he was beneath her.
He remembered her telling him that before. Hell, he’d never forget that night. That was the night he wanted to kill her more than anything. That was also the night he decided that he would prove to her that he wasn’t beneath her. He wouldn’t solve his hurt with violence this time. He knew that wasn’t the way to her heart. He put the gun down and sat there with her, comforting her. That was the night that started this all. Their friendship. She was reluctant at first, of course. But she had relented. He wanted to be her equal, not some lowly creature that was beneath her. He was trying and he hoped that it was working, at least a little bit.
He walked out the door and made his way home. He thought about how sad she was about being alone tomorrow. Valentines Day. A stupid little holiday really. Retailers’ cashing in on other peoples feelings. One more day to glaringly point out that if you were alone, you were worthless. He wanted to do something nice for her, but he didn’t want to do anything dumb that would make her hate him again. He didn’t know what he could do. He certainly couldn’t offer to be her date. That would go over real well with her friends.
He passed a small gift shop on his way. He usually never paid attention but this time they had a display in the front window for Valentine’s Day. It had all these stupid red hearts hanging around and a sign that read ‘Don’t forget the one you love’. He stopped and looked into the window. There in the middle of all the corny gifts sat a necklace. It wasn’t anything special and certainly couldn’t be worth much, but it was perfect.
It was a small red heart with an arrow through the middle of it. On the arrow in small letters were the words ‘You got me’.
He thought about all the times that Buffy had threatened to drive a stake through his heart, and laughed. "You got me alright, didn’t you?" He said to himself.
She had captured his heart, but not by driving a stake through it. It felt like that sometimes, though. He knew that he wanted to get this for her. He would just leave it on her doorstep, or in her room. It was a nice gesture so she wouldn’t feel so alone.
He was getting ready to break the glass so he could reach in and take it. Then he thought to himself that she probably wouldn’t be too pleased if she knew he gave her a stolen necklace. It would probably ruin the whole thing. He better actually do this the right way.
He looked at the sign on the store window. They were open until seven o’clock. He could come back tomorrow at sundown and still have plenty of time to leave it for her.
He walked the rest of the way home quickly, eager to get there. He just hoped that this wasn’t a mistake. He hoped that she would see that he could be thoughtful and nice. He wasn’t just all about evil and bad. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, she would start to see him the way he saw her.
The next day, Buffy went to the magic shop to meet the others and tell them that she had decided to skip the festivities for the evening.
"I’m not going. You guys have fun, though." She said to them.
"Buffy, you have to go." Willow pleaded with her. "It wouldn’t be the same."
"I don’t want to be the odd man out, Will. You guys are all happy and lovey and I’m just, well, not." She said.
"Buff, it doesn’t have to be like that." Xander said. "What if we promise no couple stuff tonight? We could all just go out as friends and do friend things."
"Does this mean we aren’t going to have sex tonight? Because if it does, I don’t like this plan." Anya said to him.
Xander shot her an irritated look.
"What? It’s a legitimate question." Anya said quietly.
"Look, it’ll be fun. Trust me." He said to Buffy.
"No, really. It’s Valentines Day, Xander. It is the day for couple stuff. And sex." She said looking at Anya.
"Thank you!" Anya said loudly.
"Besides, I really feel like staying home and watching movies. I am just going to hang with Dawn and my mom. It’ll be fine. You guys go and have a blast." Buffy said with feigned enthusiasm.
They all finally gave up and left without her. Buffy sat there for awhile before she made her way to the video store. It was dark now and getting cold again. She hugged her arms to her chest.
She was feeling down. She hated being alone, especially tonight. She was just reminded that she would probably never be in love again. She thought about Riley and wondered what he was doing. Maybe he had already found someone else. Some girl in whatever far away place he was in right now. Whatever happened, she just hoped he was happy now.
Then her thoughts turned to Spike. What was going on with them? She had no idea. He was not the same person she knew and despised. Her feelings were confused. Most of the time, he just seemed like a regular guy. Sometimes when they talked, she almost forgot he was a vampire, a vampire that had tried to kill her numerous times.
All of that seemed so far away now, like another lifetime. He was a different person now. Well, maybe not really, he was always different than most vampires. He always seemed to feel things and understand things in a human way. Even when they were mortal enemies, she felt some sort of strange connection to him. She wondered why she had never killed him, why they hadn’t killed each other. Maybe there was something there all along? She pushed that thought out of head quickly. It was ridiculous. She walked into the video store.
Spike had left his place right after the sun set. He hoped that the silly little necklace was still there. He also hoped that she would like it. He knew he was probably kidding himself, she would probably just throw it in the trash.
He walked up to the store and saw that the necklace was still there. He went inside and made his purchase. The lady even wrapped it up for him. He took the bag and practically ran out the door. If he didn’t do it now, he might come to his senses and throw the stupid thing in the trash himself.
He took a shortcut through one of the many graveyards. He saw a fresh grave with dozens of flowers piled on top. He stopped in front of it. He thought for a minute. Should he grab one? It might seem a little morbid giving the girl you love flowers from a cemetery. Dru would have loved that, but Buffy was definitely not Dru.
He grabbed one of the red roses anyway. She would never know where it came from. "Sorry man, I need this more than you do right now." He said to the dearly departed underneath his feet.
He quickly rushed the rest of the way to her house. He saw lights on inside so he knew that someone must be home. He would just have to sneak up to the porch and leave it there. He didn’t want to get caught by her mum or her little sister.
He crept up the side of the porch and laid the small box by the door with the single rose lying on top of it. He quickly backed away. He just hoped she would find it and not someone else. He walked slowly back to his place. He wondered what she was going to say or do. She might just think the whole thing was ridiculous and a joke. He’d find out soon enough.
Buffy walked home with her bag of sad movies. She was trying not to think too much about anything. This was just another night; she kept trying to tell herself.
She walked up to the door and stopped when she saw the box and the flower.
"What is that?" She said to herself. "Well, I know it’s not for me." She sighed. Dawn must have a little boyfriend, she thought. Or maybe Mom? Yuck! She hoped not.
She bent down and picked them up. There was a little card on the box. It had her name on the front. She looked at surprised. She ripped the card open. On the inside it read, ‘ Right through my heart… I’m thinking of you. Spike’
She almost fell over from shock. Her hands started shaking as she opened the little box. She saw the little necklace inside and instantly smiled. It was great. Silly and perfect. The arrow actually looked like a little stake. She laughed, not because she thought it was stupid, but because she couldn’t believe he had done this. It was so sweet.
Just then, the door swung open. "Are you going to stand out here all night?" Dawn asked. "I’m ready to watch movies. I hope you didn’t get anything lame."
Just then, Dawn noticed the flower and the box. "Oooh! What’s that? Do you have a new boyfriend already?" she prodded her trying to grab the card.
"None of your business." She said annoyed with Dawn. "Look, here are the movies, I just remembered I have to be somewhere." She said quickly.
"Buffy, you promised us a girl’s night. Don’t let me watch lame movies alone with mom."
"Sorry Dawn. Really I am, but I have to go. I promise I’ll make it up to you. Tell Mom I’m sorry." She rushed off down the steps.
She wasn’t sure why she going, or what she would say when she got there, but she knew she had to see Spike. She walked quickly, shoving the box into her jacket pocket. She carried the rose in her hand. It didn’t take long to reach his place.
She knocked and waited for him to say something, but it was quiet. She wondered if he was even here. She decided to just go in. It’s not like he didn’t let himself into her house whenever he wanted.
She opened the door and walked in. Spike sat alone in a chair watching TV. He turned and looked at her when he heard the door close. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to see her or not which was why he didn’t say anything when she knocked. He knew the one at the door could be only one person.
She had the rose in her hand. She looked at him with a complete look of confusion. He stood up and walked over to her.
"So, I see you got my little present." He tried to sound confident and sure of himself even though he was nervous as hell.
"I got it." She said softly.
"I’m sure you hated it. It really was a stupid thing to do. I just didn’t want you to feel upset about being alone tonight." He babbled to her without even thinking. So many thoughts clouded his mind.
"I didn’t hate it. It was nice. Sweet. I-I’m just a little surprised. What does this mean?" She asked him.
She didn’t hate it. That was a good sign. "What does it mean? I don’t know. Nothing, really. I was just being nice." He said to her, trying to seem like he didn’t have a care in the world when he was dying inside.
"Oh. Well, thanks. Umm. Well. Okay then." She didn’t know what to say. She shouldn’t have come here. It was clear she was reading way too much into this. He only felt sorry for her. That was the only reason why he did this. It was like a joke, it didn’t mean anything.
Buffy didn’t know why she suddenly felt so disappointed. It’s not like she wanted it to mean anything. She should be relieved. But she wasn’t. She didn’t really know what she expected, but it wasn’t this.
"I just wanted you to feel better. I figured that if everyone else was getting a present today, then you should too. I didn’t want you to be left out, that’s all." Trying to explain without really telling her anything.
"Well, I don’t need you to feel sorry for me." She said getting irritated. She didn’t know why this was bothering her, but she just thought that maybe this meant something more. Actually, she hoped that it did. She surprised herself with that thought.
"I don’t feel sorry for you." Spike could see that she was getting angry. He should have realized this would backfire.
"Well, then why else would you do this? So I don’t feel left out? Well, it was a nice thought, but a present like this, given out of pity, doesn’t make me feel any better. It just makes me feel more pathetic. I have no life, so I get pity presents from a vampire." She was getting angry and she really didn’t know why. She wasn’t being fair, but she was hurt.
"Pity? You think that I pity you?" He said angrily. "You are impossible to please! I have tried to be nice to you; to do things that might make you see me as someone other than just stupid Spike, your token vampire sidekick. I even spent my bloody cigarette money on that stupid necklace!"
He was pacing back and forth now. The words were just coming out of his mouth and he couldn’t stop them.
"I thought that maybe that you would think I was good enough to be with you. That I could be someone in your life. I know it’s crazy, but I just thought that if I was nice enough and acted human enough that maybe you would think of me that way."
Buffy stood there silent, listening to his tirade. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would jump out of her chest. He did have feelings for her. Real feelings. Her mind was racing. She didn’t know what to do. She felt happy and excited at this thought, even though she knew it was insane.
"Spike…" Buffy started to say.
"No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear you tell me that I’m worthless and that you’d rather die than be with me." Spike said, not letting her finish.
"That wasn’t what I was going to say." She said to him.
"Then what?" He said still irritated, mostly at himself, but her too, for making him feel this way.
She just looked at him. She actually didn’t know what to say. She was nervous and felt like she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t know why she was about to do what she was going to do, but she knew she had to do it.
She walked over to him and put her arms around his neck and kissed him hard on the lips. He was stunned at first but it didn’t take long for him to respond to her and take her in his arms.
He held her body tight to his own. He had dreamt of this moment a million times, and it never felt even half as good as this did. He could taste the sweetness of her lips and feel the warmth of her body crushed against his. Only this time it wasn’t a dream.
They finally pulled away from each other. She looked up at him and smiled. She reached into her pocket and pulled the box out. She took the necklace out and went to put it on. Spike helped her with the catch.
She turned back around and kissed him again. She knew this was probably the dumbest thing she had ever done in her life, but there was no reason to this. There was no controlling it. She didn’t think about it or plan it. Isn’t that the way love worked?
They held each other tight and she whispered into his ear, "You got me too."
They both just stood there smiling. They didn’t know what was going to happen, but for tonight, they were both right where they wanted to be. In each other’s arms.