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What If…?

By HW

Jac@blackplumes.freeserve.co.uk

Rating: PG (This part. Each part rated individually)

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I merely borrow

Summary: Buffy must achieve enlightenment before she can return home.

Author’s Note: A little help from ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ by Dorothy L. Sayers for the breakdown of ‘I love you.’

What If…?

Prologue

“Have you made your decision Buffy?” the Power who had taken the form of Miss Calendar asked her, the moment Angel had resolved to see Giles about his experience. Buffy frowned at the woman before her, still trying to take in all the information.

“I don’t know, I… So this whole Enlightenment thing wasn’t just for me? They’ve all grown and developed in one night, cause they know… What do they know?”

The other Power, Kendra, smiled at her. “You’ll have to ask them. Enlightenment will affect everyone differently. I believe it has turned out as desired. You have discovered things about yourself Buffy. And the others. You and your friends can now achieve some form of peace within yourselves. It should be easy to see your path.”

“Yes. I feel stronger. Not in the physical sense, but… there’s a definite calm there that wasn’t before.” Buffy told them. “Can I ask…? Why do you want to send me back? Why not mom or Jenny or…?”

“You are the strongest Buffy. You are not just the Slayer. Your heart gives you a strength no other possesses. This was not how we saw your end Buffy. You made a sacrifice and you have learnt from it. Therefore we are willing to make a sacrifice of our own. You may have a second chance. If you want it.”

Buffy looked at her mother who was holding her hand comfortingly, and thought. If she left, she’d have to carry on without her mother. Could she let go again, knowing what she was giving up? She searched for some sign of her mom’s feelings on the subject. Joyce’s face was impassive. “Mom? Do you think I should…?”

“Buffy it’s not my decision. Only you know what’s right.”

“That’s not true,” Buffy murmured, before leaning over to kiss her mother’s cheek. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, searching for the right answer. When she found it, she hugged her mother and smiled brightly. “Guess I’ll see you when I get back.”

Joyce smiled at her daughter. “I am so proud of you Buffy. I love you.”

“I love you too mom,” Buffy turned back to face the Powers. “Send me back.”

Part One

“It’s going to hurt a lot.”

Spike was sitting on the stone coffin in his crypt and Buffy was standing right in front of him, dressed up like that damn robot. Her whispered words were four years old and Spike frowned down at her as she gently stroked her hand over one of the wounds the hell bitch and her chums had inflicted on him. “What is?” he asked confused.

“Everything,” she answered enigmatically before placing one hand over his eyes and one over his heart.

When she removed them he was in the alley behind the Bronze. He was standing a few feet from Buffy and she was panting slightly, stake raised in front of her. Xander and Willow stood slightly behind her, looking scared. This was their first meeting. The first time they had spoken to one another.

“Who are you?” Buffy asked. His answer was not the one he had given at the time. It was something he had told her last week. The night she had died. “…I’m a monster…”

She frowned at him. “You think you need to protect me?”

He smiled across at her. “I can’t fight… alone. And neither can you.”

“You shouldn’t have come here.” They were in the high school. In the corridor where they had fought for the first time, moving slowly closer. “…I just got so bored…”

She punched him. He blinked down at her. They were outside now, standing in front of that police car. “…We’re mortal enemies…”

He shook his head slightly. “…I love you Buffy…”

She closed her eyes. “I hate you.”

“I’m all you’ve got…”

“You’re pathetic.” She was glaring at him now, her teeth tightly clenched as they stood in the magic shop, Angel fidgeting slightly behind them. Spike rolled his eyes and smirked at her. “I may be love’s bitch; at least I’m man enough to admit it.”

“We’re a family…” Buffy beamed up at him, throwing her arms around his neck and pulling his head

down to hers as they stood in Giles’ living room. “‘Til the end of the world…” he grinned, planting a

quick kiss on her lips. She looked up at him seriously; worry clouding her lovely grey-green eyes.

“We're not all gonna make it…”

“…I’m a monster…” he told her, pulling away from her slightly.

She shook her head fiercely and clung onto him. “…The man I love…”

Spike kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes. “I know you’ll never love me…”

The Slayer sighed contentedly into his chest. “I’m counting on you…”

“Who are you?” Buffy asked, as Spike stepped over the threshold into the hallway. He closed his eyes, savouring the moment. When he looked at her again, he smiled sadly into her confused face. “You’ll find out…”

The Slayer cocked her head to one side slightly, studying his face. “You’re beneath me…”

Spike flinched. What he would give not to have to hear that again. “I love you Buffy…” He put everything into it that time. Every feeling he’d endured since the moment he saw her dancing at the Bronze. Her eyes widened and she started to breathe a little more heavily as the realisation crossed her face. “…That was real…”

He smiled down at her again as tears began to run down her face. “…You treat me like a man…”

Buffy’s lower lip quivered a little as she reached for him. “We’re mortal enemies.”

Spike shook his head again as he pulled her to him. He kissed her. And she kissed him, the pair holding tightly to one another, refusing to let go.

“I love you Buffy…” he whispered as she was finally torn from his arms. Sobs wracked his body as he saw her lying before him, as beautiful as the first time he had seen her, even in death.

“And I’ll never forget it,” her voiced called to him, as the light overtook him.

****

The vampire shot straight up in bed, his body jerking heavily as he inhaled and exhaled deliberately. He’d had the same dream every night for the past week. Each time was more vivid than the last. Now every detail about each situation was perfect.

Spike lay back down and pulled the cover over himself. Surrounding himself in her. He was tired. He thought that he had never been as tired as he had been this past week. But then again, he had never been as emotionally drained, as he had been this week. This year.

He closed his eyes, hoping that, for once, there would be no dreams to disturb him.

****

Buffy stood at the top of the stairs and looked down the corridor to her sister’s room. She couldn’t wait to see Dawn. Couldn’t wait to see the look on her sister’s face when she realised Buffy had returned. She’d only been gone a week, but it seemed like a lifetime to her. All of a sudden she was very, very nervous. Should she just walk in and announce her presence? Maybe she should wait until later when everyone was at the Magic Box and just show up there. Then at least she’d only have to explain everything once.

The Slayer took a step towards Dawn’s bedroom and stopped. She looked back along the corridor to her own room. She needed to talk to Spike and if she woke Dawn now, she would have no time to speak with the vampire alone for a long time.

She glanced down at her watch. Eight a.m. She had three hours before Giles wanted Spike and Dawn at the Magic Box. Three hours to explain everything. She hoped it was enough time.

****

Spike blinked awake at the soft brush of a hand on his cheek. His eyes focused on the angel before him and he closed them again, submitting to his unconscious. He was dreaming. He had had this dream time after time, ever since he first acknowledged his love for the Slayer.

At first they had all been lust-filled ‘I must have you now’ encounters. Gradually they had changed over time, some angry, some sad, some painfully loving. This past week they had been poignant, as he never realised at first that he was dreaming. He would wake in her arms and a calming peace would descend. It was only when reality forced itself back to him, in the form of Dawn or Giles, that he remembered the truth of Buffy’s death.

Now however he knew he was dreaming. And for once he embraced it. At least here, for a while, he had her back and he had her all to himself. He opened his eyes and gazed upon his love. The room was bright and the sunlight that managed to creep in behind the curtains surrounded her like a halo. She looked luminous.

Her golden hair fell forward slightly curling softly at the top of her breasts. Her eyes were shining brightly with a happiness he had never seen them possess before, as well as a little mischief and an enormous amount of love. Her smile was wide and inviting and Spike wanted nothing more than to claim her lips with his own. Thankfully in his dream world, he could.

He reached up with his right hand and gently brushed the hair back from her face. She leaned into his touch and the vampire knew he had waited long enough. His long fingers slid through her hair and cupped the back of her head, pulling her down on top of him and crushing her lips to his.

Buffy was a little startled at Spike’s wordless welcome home, but as his mouth parted, deepening the kiss, she decided she didn’t care. She kissed him back with four years worth of unresolved want and need, glad that she had another chance to make things right. When she had first seen him lying there, she had been moved by his beauty and appearance of innocence. And she had accepted that, in some ways, he was innocent. Unknowing and instinctual, especially when it came to love.

And she knew he loved her. Without a doubt. She had known for months, but had never talked about it. After that first painful night of confession, neither had said a word, although their actions had given away more than words ever could.

Now after her death and valued Enlightenment, Buffy truly knew her own feelings for the first time. She had accepted aspects of her own personality as well as Spike’s and had found a serenity within herself. And for the first time she knew who she was meant to be with. Fate, destiny, karma. This vampire, this man holding her in his arms was her soul mate. Not Angel. No other human or demon. Spike.

Something felt different. She felt different. This wasn’t exactly the way his dreams had played out before. This was far more intense, more passionate, more loving. He was giving his all to her, and this time, she was giving her all in return. He hadn’t felt this since she had dressed up like his robot and…

Spike pulled back and stared at the beauty before him. Her eyes were closed, her face was flushed with passion, her lips were slightly swollen and she was breathing heavily, almost panting with desire.

Buffy opened her eyes when he continued to stare at her and tilted her head to the side in question. As his hands began to roam searchingly over her body, while his eyes never left her own, Buffy realised that he didn’t know she was real. To him she was a dream or some form of apparition.

The vampire tuned his senses to the woman half lying on top of him on the bed. Her heart was beating, pounding actually, a little too fast, in her chest. Her breathing had returned to normal, but he could still recognise the gentle inhalation and exhalation. Her scent was overpowering, far stronger than any dream, more powerful than that which lingered on her clothes and possessions. It was all too vivid for a dream.

“Buffy?” he whispered, afraid that he would break whatever wonderful, magical spell this was and be left alone once again, in more pain than he had ever suffered before. The vision gazed down at him, a playful smile quirking her lips.

“Hello cutie.”

Part Two

Giles ran an unsteady hand through his already ruffled hair and sighed. He slammed closed the book he had been reading and hurriedly returned it to its place, picking up the next manuscript he thought might be of use. He had been searching for information all night, and now that the sun was rising, Giles knew he didn’t have long before Spike and Dawn arrived, demanding answers. So far he didn’t have any.

The front door crashed open and Giles jumped up immediately, looking wildly around him for a weapon. When his eyes finally came to rest on the figure huddled in a blanket, that had just entered the shop, he relaxed slightly.

“Angel…” he began, but was interrupted by the arrival of Wesley and Cordelia.

“God… Angel… Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“There wasn’t time to knock Cor. In case you didn’t notice, the sun is rising,” Angel answered his friend, throwing the blanket away from him and moving further into the store. “Giles have you…?”

Wesley cleared his throat and looked pointedly at Angel. The dark vampire scowled slightly but adjusted his question. “Did, uh, anything happen to you last night? Sort of like a daydream, but more intense?”

Giles’ eyes widened as he realised what Angel meant. He, Wesley and Cordelia must have had a similar experience to Giles, Spike and Dawn. “Yes, uh… Enlightenment, I think.”

“That was our conclusion,” Wesley agreed, and then, nodding towards the books on the table, “Have you found anything?”

“No. There doesn’t seem to be a lot written about it. And what there is, is sketchy at best. I’m sure it means something important, but without more information…”

“Maybe the others know something,” Angel interrupted, restlessly skimming through one of the books Giles was researching from.

“Others?”

“Angel thinks Willow, Xander and everyone, probably got it too,” Cordelia answered Giles’ question.

“Spike and Dawn were with me,” Giles told them, “They were as much in the dark as I was.”

“Can you ring Willow?” Angel asked, turning back to face Giles. “The sooner we find out what happened the sooner we should be able to know… something.”

The Watcher smirked slightly at Angel’s confusion and walked towards the phone. The bell above the door rang as it opened making them all jump. They turned in time to see a very excited Anya followed by an equally excited Tara enter the shop. Willow and Xander lagged slightly behind their loved ones, their expressions equal parts confused and curious.

“Uh… Giles? Did, uh, anything happen to you last night?” Tara asked and Giles shared a wry look with Angel, Cordelia and Wesley before answering.

“I think it’s safe to say we all experienced Enlightenment last night,” he announced and everyone but Willow and Xander sat down at the research table.

Xander sighed. “Look before you guys get started could one of you please explain to us, what Enlightenment is?”

“Yeah,” Willow concurred, nodding vigorously at her friends. “Cause, we’re seriously not understanding here.” They both looked at Giles for an explanation, as did Tara and Anya, even though their own knowledge of the subject probably outweighed the Watcher’s. It was Wesley however who answered.

“Enlightenment means gaining understanding and a well informed, tolerant rational view of…”

“Do you have to start like that every time?” Cordelia asked and Angel rolled his eyes at his friends’ bickering.

“Children… Could we just get on?”

“Alright,” Wesley began again with a slight sneer at Cordelia, “Enlightenment is a revelation of truth. It doesn’t happen often and is not granted to just anyone. It’s usually given just before something momentous occurs. As we were all offered Enlightenment, but cannot find much in the way of explanation, I think it would be wisest to share our experiences and discover what we learnt. Then we may be able to deduce the cause.”

Angel and Cordelia smiled at each other and nodded their agreement, while Giles, Willow and Xander stared opened mouthed at Wesley. He had changed a lot in the past two years. He was more confident, more capable. It was surprising, but oddly comforting.

****

Once they were all sat around the table, an uncomfortable silence descended. Everyone looked around at each other for a couple of minutes, before Anya sighed with impatience.

“I’ll go… I was upset because Buffy’s… well Buffy’s dead and that hurts me more than anything else ever has before. I just wanted to change it all back and make everything right again. Holding the power of the wish for over eleven hundred and twenty years, I know how things like that work. I just wondered, idly, what it would be like if I were the Slayer, as Buffy wouldn’t be dead then. And then we saw it. Felt it. Lived it.

“Somewhere, in some parallel dimension, there’s Anya the Vampire Slayer, and I knew what it felt to be her. Her life parallels Buffy’s. Her relationship with a souled vampire… you Wesley… her constant worry about Dawn, about life, about death. The way she feels about… There was such conflict. Buffy… she was trying so hard to do what everyone else wanted, what she thought she should do… she missed the most important thing. Luckily Anya had…”

“What?” Angel asked, leaning forward toward the former demon. Everyone was enthralled by Anya’s story, even those who had lived it.

“More understanding friends,” Willow answered, picking up where Anya left off, finally understanding what Enlightenment meant. “Anya had Buffy. Buffy Buffy, not confused Slayer Buffy. She was a witch, but she wasn’t me. Without the constant struggle about what was the right thing for her to do, Buffy easily accepted love wherever it presented itself. We freaked when Spike said he loved Buffy, but in that reality, Buffy could accept that a vampire can love and she helped Anya through it.”

“Who was the vampire?” Giles asked, thoroughly absorbed by what he was learning. Willow, Tara and Anya all turned to Xander who lowered his head.

“Me.”

Cordelia started to giggle and her former boyfriend raised his head to glare at her. Angel managed to control his snort of laughter for about two seconds, before joining his friend’s mirth. Giles restrained himself from laughing and urged Xander to continue.

“He loves her. I mean, I was starting to see it anyway, even though I didn’t want to but… It was like; all my fear and hatred were being thrown back at me you know. There I was… Me not Spike… a vampire, a government chip stopping me from hurting a living soul, madly in love with my mortal enemy. I felt the hunger for blood; I missed the hunt and the kill… well in some ways. But I knew there was no chance I would ever go back to it, even if the chip did come out, because I’d be throwing away so much more. I felt everything Spike must have felt over the last hundred and twenty years. I felt. I didn’t think vampires could feel. But I did. I loved and I hurt because of that love….”

Xander stood suddenly and walked away from the table, realising what this was all about. What he had learnt, not only about Spike but also about himself.

Willow threw a worried glance in her best friend’s direction and then imparted the final piece of information. “Buffy and Spike… they were together. A couple. They were in love and…”

“In yours too?” Giles interrupted. It was strange that Buffy and Spike should be together in two of the dimensions. There was something intriguing about that.

“And ours,” Wesley informed them and the final piece of the puzzle fell into place for Tara. More excited than she had ever been before, she turned to Giles and asked him to explain what had happened to him.

****

“Dawn was blaming herself for Buffy’s death. Spike told her not to think like that. That it wasn’t her fault. He thought if anyone was to blame, it was him. He said he wished he could have been the Slayer so that Buffy would never be in such danger. And then the same thing happened, I guess. Spike was the Slayer, Buffy was a vampire. But as Angelus was far different from Drusilla in many ways, when he found out about Buffy’s love for the Slayer he abused her. Broke her. Then he sent her to Spike, uh, William, in the hope that she’d kill him. But she didn’t; couldn’t. She recognised him, loved him.

“There’s a difference. I’ve noticed it. Sometimes I’ve even mentioned it, but recently… I guess I was very protective of her, we all were. They loved each other, protected each other, and fought for each other. If what you say is true Anya, that Buffy was conflicted over her feelings for Spike, then I’m deeply ashamed of the way I acted. I just wish there was a way…”

“No more wishing,” Cordelia cried, sitting up sharply in her seat. “There’s no way back… there’s no way to change things. And as we’ve all learned, even if things were different, it wouldn’t necessarily make them better. God, I thought that if Angel had kept his soul back when he and Buffy got with the lovin’ that things would have turned out much better. No evil, people wouldn’t be dead, he wouldn’t be so mopey all the time. Well let me tell ya, it’s not better. Buffy is alive, yeah, but Dawn, Xander, Giles and, and I can’t stress this enough, ME, are all dead. Anya never came here, so she’s not around and everyone just ends up more miserable. Well, except that Buffy and Spike…” Cordelia stopped sharply and turned to Angel with a sympathetic smile. “Sorry.”

“It’s ok Cor. It’s hard but it’s ok. Feeling what it was like, to lose Buffy even when everything had been right up to then… that was more painful than anything I’ve had to face. I’ll never be able to stop regretting what I did as Angelus, but at least now I can look back on my time with Buffy with some form of happiness. And maybe now I can sort a few things out with my Grandchilde.”

Silence reigned once more when Angel had finished speaking. A contemplative silence this time, each person thinking about what they had learnt from their experiences.

Tara had had a strange feeling, almost from the start, about what their Enlightenment meant. Each person’s revelation had merely confirmed her suspicions and now she was fighting to maintain her composure. She could never be considered the most confident Scooby; in fact sometimes she didn’t consider herself a Scooby at all. But she had a place here she knew and her own ideas about her position were something she would have to deal with on her own. Starting right now.

“I, I think… I think I know why we received Enlightenment,” her hesitant voice sounded loudly in the silent room. Everyone looked at her. Tara blushed but she refused to lower her head from their gaze. She was right about this; she knew she was. She was not going to be deterred.

“What is it sweetie?” Willow asked kindly, rather proud of her girlfriend for the confidence and understanding she had shown over the past week, and more especially over the past twelve hours.

“Buffy’s coming back.”

“What?!” every other person in the room shouted in shock. Am important and momentous event they were prepared for. This however was something else.

“It was a feeling, when it began… something earth-shattering was happening. All of these things we’ve been seeing, they’ve been bringing us closer to her, giving us a better understanding of her… and Spike. Preparing us, so that we don’t make the same mistakes. So that Buffy can find the truth within herself.”

“But Buffy’s not here,” Xander reminded her, his tone bordering on angry. It wasn’t fair for her to raise their hopes like this. They were supposed to be saying goodbye.

“The Enlightenment wasn’t for us. If Buffy hadn’t died, we would never have received it. Buffy had to learn the truth and we shared in it, so that we would stop resisting it.”

“What truth?”

“You know what Xander,” Willow answered her best friend, “Buffy and Spike.”

“Soul mates,” Angel whispered and everyone quieted as they looked at him. “Where would she go?” he asked after a minute, standing quickly and circling the table. “If she came back where would she go?”

“Home,” Anya told them simply, also standing and grabbing Xander’s arm.

“Dawn and Spike are there,” Giles said, nodding thoughtfully before grabbing his coat and moving toward the door.

Cordelia linked her arm through Wesley’s as they followed the others out of the store. “I guess we’re going to Buffy’s.”

Part Three

“Buffy is it…? I mean are you…?” Spike sputtered and Buffy laughed down at him lightly.

“Real? Alive? Back from the dead?” The Slayer nodded. “All of the above.”

Spike didn’t know what to say. He tried to think of something wise or witty, but his brain couldn’t get past the fact that Buffy, his Buffy, his Slayer, was here with him. Alive and well. His hands ran over her arms and back of their own volition, trying to prove that she was in fact real.

Buffy’s own hands rested on his shoulders as she lay half across his chest, still recovering from the devastating kiss they had shared. Her eyes searched his face for reaction, trying to make out whether or not he was pleased to see her. She didn’t know how to begin to talk to him. A week wasn’t usually a long time. They had been apart for longer periods before, but conversation, even their sniping banter, had never been difficult to fall into.

But she had died. He had mourned; had still been mourning when she returned. It felt as though they had been separated for decades. And their last conversation would have been much easier to resume if there hadn’t been a week’s worth of pain in between. Finally however the silence was too much for her.

“You know I wanted to say something deep and meaningful… something important about life and death. But now I’m here, all I can think about is how much I missed you.”

She leaned forward slightly and kissed him again. It wasn’t as passionate or intense as the last one, but it shared her feelings perfectly. It was sweet and tender, and Spike never wanted it to stop. He inhaled her scent and thought for the first time in his existence that if he were to die now, he would die happy.

All too soon it was over and the vampire’s eyes burned into hers as he told her, “Oh God Buffy… I’ve missed you so much… We’ve all missed you… I can’t believe… How did this happen?”

Buffy grinned at his awkwardness. He was very sweet when he was unsure. Probably because he was so cocky most of the time. “They said I could come back, if I wanted… As long as I discovered a few things about myself first. And you.”

“Me?”

“Well, you and Dawn, and the guys.”

“Enlightenment?”

“Yes, but can we leave the explanation of that for a while? I’m just going to have to repeat myself later.”

“Dawn! We have to tell her… have you seen…?” Spike started to get up, but Buffy pushed him back down, rearranging herself more comfortably with him on the bed, still leaning over his chest so she could look into his eyes.

“Shh. Relax,” Buffy practically purred as she grinned at him. She was desperate to see Dawn, but it was a desperation shared with what she needed to say to this vampire. “There was actually something I wanted to tell you, which is why I came to you first.”

Spike nodded, but remained silent, staring up into her smiling eyes.

“You said something to me, last week… when we were downstairs. I thought I’d have time later… that it would be better to tell you when it was all over, but things never turn out like you plan. You said you were a monster…”

Spike opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him.

“No, wait don’t interrupt ok, I’ve waited a week to say this… You’re not a monster. I’ve never thought of you as a monster. You’ve been my enemy, my ally, and more recently I think, you were my friend. But I’ve always thought of you as a man first, so never think that I… God this is hard. When did it get this hard to talk to you? It used to be so easy, even when you were being a pain in the ass…. Ok… You said as well that you knew I’d never love you…”

Spike inhaled deeply as she paused, afraid of what was coming next. The things she had said were things he had dreamed she would say but never imagined she truly felt. He pushed back his uncertainty, happy instead that she had indeed returned and thought of him a friend. It was more than he deserved.

“Do you realise you are the only man who has never hurt me. Ignoring the trying to kill me thing ‘cause, realistically, I tried to kill you just as often. Angel… well we both know how that turned out. Riley… least said about that the better. Giles betrayed me once, and while I love him and think of him as my father, there’s a part of me that will never forget what he did. Xander, I love like a brother but he can be judgemental and unsupportive at times. And my dad, well… I know he loves me in his own way but he’s let us down so much…

“Tell me something you did that I can’t forgive. Anything you can throw at me, I have an answer for. Why don’t you tell me all the things I have to thank you for and never did? It’s a longer list. For every bad thing there are a couple of amazing things that make me question everything I ever thought I knew about you. You know me Spike. Better than I know myself. And I know you. In my heart. Deep down I know you would never hurt me, or Dawn, or my friends, and that’s…

“My point is, no matter what you’ve done, what you’ve tried to do, I trust you more than anyone in my entire life. Trust is all-important to me and you’ve earned mine. I entrusted the most important thing I had in my life to you. Dawn. That should tell you something.”

Spike was trying to hold onto his composure, pushing back the tears that had threatened from the moment he had realised she was actually here. His heart had expanded at her words and he was almost desperate for her to finish. He didn’t care what she said now. This was enough. If losing her had taught him anything, it was that it was better to have her friendship than not to have her at all.

Buffy sniffed and blinked back her own tears at the sight of the emotions of the vampire’s face. She wanted to kiss him again, but she had to get through this. If she stopped now, it wouldn’t be said for a long time. “You love me. You said it. You’ve proved it. And I’ve tried so hard to fight it but… You get to a girl. I want to try. I want us to try. I want there to be an us.”

“Buffy,” Spike croaked and brushed his hands over her hair as he composed himself. “You want to try for us? But I’m a vampire…”

“Man,” Buffy corrected forcefully, her eyes proving that was how she really felt. “A man struggling with right and wrong, good and bad… The chip didn’t change you; a soul would only make the struggle easier. If you can fight for good, without a soul, that makes you a better man, a stronger man. My man.”

Spike laughed up at her and nodded fiercely. “Damn right.”

The Slayer grinned down at him. “I want real dates… Bronze, movies, dinner, no chains.”

The vampire stared wonderingly up at her. “Anything you say love.”

“And I want smoochies,” she pouted, a devilish gleam lighting her eyes.

“Anytime,” Spike told her with and equally devilish and seductive smirk.

“How about now?” Buffy asked as she caught his lips with her own.

****

She had heard something. She wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but she had heard something. She concentrated harder, trying to block out everything else. Someone was here. Someone was talking. Spike was talking to someone. Giles? No, the voice wasn’t deep enough. It sounded like a woman. Willow? Tara? Anya? Had something happened?

Dawn crawled out bed and crept slowly across her room, quietly opening the door. The voice was a little louder now and it was definitely coming from Buffy’s bedroom. She tiptoed along the corridor and stopped outside her sister’s room. She couldn’t hear what was being said, only the murmur of voices behind the door.

Eventually they stopped talking and Dawn frowned in confusion. If it was Willow or Tara or Anya, what were they doing in there? She pushed the door open slowly, careful not to give herself away. Dawn peered around the edge of the door and the sight that greeted her caused her to faint dead away from shock.

****

The sound of Dawn’s body hitting the floor broke the vampire and Slayer from their kiss and they turned quickly to see what had happened. At the sight of her sister lying on the floor Buffy jumped up and ran across to Dawn. She gently patted her cheek to try and wake her, and breathed a sigh of relief when the younger girl’s eyes fluttered open.

“Buffy?”

“Hi Dawnie.”

“Are you real?”

“Yeah sweetie, I’m real. They sent me back… time off for good behaviour or something.”

Dawn threw herself at Buffy and the two sisters held each other close, both thanking the Powers for their second chance.

“Is this what that thing last night was about?” Dawn asked eventually, glancing over at Spike who was beaming brightly at both of them.

“Yup,” Buffy answered as Spike nodded. “Enlightenment. You were supposed to learn from it. Did you learn?”

“I learnt… Well I learnt that vampires can love just as much as… no I already knew that. I learnt, um… Ooo. I know. I learnt that everyone is different. There’s good and there’s evil and both humans and demons can have either inside them. Or both.”

Buffy smiled at her sister, proud of how mature she was for her young age. “What about you William?” she asked, turning to face Spike while still holding tightly to Dawn.

“I learnt how hard it is to be you,” he told her with a wry smile. “Just made me love you more.”

The Slayer grinned and started to answer, but a sharp knock at the front door made her stop.

“I guess it’s back to reality,” she said as the three made their way downstairs, to greet the rest of their friends. “What am I supposed to say to them?”

“Hello?” Dawn offered as she gripped Buffy’s hand tightly, keeping her sister as close as possible.

“Alright,” Buffy sighed as she opened the door to greet the eight anxious people outside. “Hi guys… Miss me?”

Epilogue

Buffy sat on the steps at the back of the house and stared out into the night. She had been back in the land of the living for a week now and her welcome home party had just finished. After their first joyous reunion, which actually comprised of several hours of crying and hugging, she had explained everything to her friends and they had told her what they had learnt from their experiences. She had been right about not having any quality time alone with Spike. They hadn’t been alone long enough to do more than give each other a quick good morning kiss in the last seven days.

The Slayer knew he had talked with Giles, Xander and Angel this past week, and the three men had straightened out some of their differences. Buffy just hoped that they would now have some time alone to redefine their relationship.

She heard the door open behind her and knew that it was him. He was the only one she hadn’t had a heart to heart to that night.

She had had a bittersweet conversation with Angel and she had told him that a part of her would always belong to him. She had reassured Giles that she loved him like a father. She told Anya and Tara how much she valued their friendship and Xander how proud she was of him, for all that he had done. She had made sure Dawn and Willow knew she loved them. Now she just had one more thing to say.

“You alright pet?” Spike asked as he sat down next to her and she nodded as she moved closer to him and put his arm around her shoulders. He sighed in contentment and she closed her eyes as she leaned against him.

“I feel like I haven’t talked to you in months again,” Buffy murmured and Spike chuckled.

“I know what you mean.”

Buffy sighed and then smiled. There was something she had to share with him. “What if…?”

“What?”

“What if you leave? What if you stop loving me? What if this gets too complicated and…?”

“Buffy,” Spike interrupted, turning her to face him. “I thought we’d stopped worrying about things like that.”

“Yes, I know, but listen…”

“No. Buffy I will never stop loving you. Love isn’t something you can switch on and off it just is. You are my life. If it gets complicated we’ll work through it and as for me leaving you…”

“Spike. Stop. I know. I’ve been thinking these things, but none of it scares me as much as it used to. I used to put so much energy into finding excuses and hiding from love, but now, it all just seems so insignificant. I don’t know whether it’s something I’ve learnt from this whole Enlightenment thing, or if it’s just you… I know you love me. I know we’ll both try harder than we ever have before. I know you won’t leave. You didn’t leave, even when I told you to. That earned you something.”

“Buffy…”

“Why is it so hard to say, do you think? Three little words that should be the easiest thing in the world to say. You said it to me. I haven’t said it to you yet. If I say it I’m putting myself out there again. I’m taking the ultimate step. And it shouldn’t be this hard. I - personal pronoun, subjective case; L–O–V–E, love, verb, active meaning…”

Spike stopped her with a kiss. She didn’t need to say he. He saw it in her eyes and for now that was enough. As they broke apart the final speck of fear fled her heart and the words she had been struggling for came easily to her tongue.

“I love you.”

The End