By Ehann

Part 8: Dreams of Light

 

Dawn looked up from her place on the couch. She saw Spike following Buffy down the stairs, and grinned. She nodded at the coffee table where she had set up a salt shaker and a saucer of melted butter. Her good arm cradled a Blockbuster popcorn tub—filled to the brim with popcorn. “Everything’s ready,” she said hopefully. “And, guess what? Interview with the Vampire is on HBO.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Ha. Can’t believe they thought Tom Cruise would be good in that crapfest.”

Yeah,” Buffy agreed. “The only reason worth watching this movie is Brad Pi—um…to make fun of it.” She’d registered the hot look Spike aimed at her.

“So…is this like, your first date, guys?” Dawn salted the popcorn liberally then dumped the butter in.

Spike choked. “Not exactly.”

“I am so not going there, Dawnie.” Buffy shook her head in mock disgust, and headed to the kitchen for drinks. She didn’t have any blood, so Spike was going to have to make due with a couple of Xander’s leftover beers. She peered critically into the fridge.

Condiments. Mustard, ketchup, two different kinds of mayo. Oh, wait, behind the empty milk carton there was a package of Oscar Meyer bologna. Yuck. Who…? Oh. Dawn. Hiding beside the mystery meat was a six pack of cans. Buffy made a disgusted sound and snatched the empty container and tossed it in the trash. She turned back to the fridge and pulled two cans of beer from their plastic loops.

“Dawn, you want something to drink?” She waited a beat then added, “And your choices are limited to the non-beer liquids, so that means water or water.” Buffy cocked her head, listening for the smart remark.

“Gee, guess I’m having the nonalcoholic water. Yay.” The disdain was evident in her voice.

Buffy rolled her eyes, and closed the fridge door.

“Hey, love.”

Surprised, her head shot up. A pleased grin spread over her face. “Hey.”

He stood in the threshold to the kitchen with one thumb hooked through a belt loop. “Need any help?” His gaze slid appreciatively down her body. “S’good to be of service, y’know.”

Buffy handed him one of the beers. Leaning forward, she pressed her cheek against his. Her eyelids drifted shut and she inhaled. Gods, he smells good. Her free hand drifted up to his nape. She curled her fingers into his skin, drawing him down.

She took his mouth, running her tongue over his, melting into the kiss. This must be what crack is like, she thought crazily. Cause I couldn’t stop if I wanted to… When he touched her…when he kissed her…the world just fell away, and there was only this. His lips…his tongue stroking against hers, and oh, his hands…

The curling pleasure deep in the pit of her stomach spiraled and spread. Her hands vibrated with the powerful desire flaring between them. She sucked at his lower lip, and he growled.

She loved that sound. It made her feel…sexy. It made her feel very much like a woman. It made her want him. Hell, who was she kidding? He only had to exist for her to want him. She’d already proven that. Buffy ground her hips against his pelvis, needing them to be closer.

But Spike lifted his mouth from hers and said softly, “Love.”

Reluctantly, she opened her eyes. She stared into his clear blue ones, speechless for a moment. Had she really denied for over a year that he even loved her? She blinked. More evidence of her insanity. “Movie,” she croaked finally. “Dawn. Bonding. Check.” With regret, she ran her thumb over that sexy bottom lip. “C’mon.” She grinned. “Sexy vampires ahead, after all.”

He snorted. Following her into the living room, he said sotto voce, “More like behind you, if you ask me.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Small round kernels scritched in the big bowl as Buffy carried it to the kitchen. She left it in the sink filled with soapy water. She went back to the living room and her statement softened as she looked down at her sleeping sister’s face. Buffy wished she slept that peacefully.

“I can carry her up, if you like,” Spike said from behind her.

The scent of cigarettes clung to him, and Buffy was glad that he’d taken his smoke outside the house. It made her throat hurt when she was around it too much. “You don’t mind?” she asked.

“Nope.” He kneeled next to the sofa and slid his arms underneath Dawn’s shoulders and knees. He disappeared upstairs with her.

A quick rap sounded at the front door and Buffy jumped. It was nearly eleven, and she definitely wasn’t expecting anyone. She peeked through the curtains and groaned.

Opening the door, she said, “Hey, Xander. What’s up?” She made sure to infuse her voice with exhaustion. Maybe he’d take a hint…

“Thought you might need some help patrolling. How about it?” He asked the question easily enough, but he couldn’t meet Buffy’s eyes.

“Um…actually, I was gonna skip tonight. I’ve been watching movies with Dawn.” And Spike, she added silently. “Matter of fact, I was just on my way to—” She broke off. Spike was coming down the stairs. Oh, spiffy. This is what I get for not telling Xander sooner.

Xander’s grin faded. “What’s he doing here?”

Spike narrowed his eyes, waiting to hear how Buffy intended to handle this.

“We were hanging out.” She said shortly. “He wanted to see about patrolling,” she informed Spike.

“That right? Been a long time since you bothered to make the effort. What’s wrong…have a fight with the wife?”

“We’re not married yet, evil dead,” Xander retorted. “Also? None of your damned business.”

Spike had a point though, Buffy admitted to herself. When was the last time Xander, or any of the other scoobies, had gone patrolling with her? Jesus. Not since before…before she’d died.

Xander continued, “So…what, Spike? You just come over to inflict your presence on Buffy now? Why don’t you crawl back under the dirt from which you came?”

“Enough!” Buffy snapped. She glared at Xander. “This is my house, and when Spike is here you will be civil to him.” She paused, letting her words sink in. “And you know what, Xander? After everything Spike did last summer, you could be a little nicer.”

Xander’s jaw dropped. “Buffy,” he began.

“No,” she cried, “Don’t even. I don’t want to hear it.” She took a deep breath and smiled a little. “And speaking of things you won’t want to hear…”

“Um,” Spike interrupted, “This may not be the best time, love…”

“It’s exactly the perfect time, Spike.” To Xander, she said, “I’m dating Spike. Get mad, or whatever you have to feel. Then get over it. Because he makes me happy. And I haven’t been happy since before I crawled out of my own grave.”

He gaped at her. “You can’t be serious.”

The Slayer’s face became cold. “Why can’t I be serious? Because you don’t approve? I didn’t realize that Xander Harris was the Master of my Destiny. How foolish of me to forget.”

“Buffy, look. I don’t know what’s been happening in your head. But you can’t love a…a monster like that!” He pointed at Spike, who had sat down on the steps. “He doesn’t have a—”

“O-kay. Here’s where you say ‘and he doesn’t have a soul so he can’t love you, or anyone else, and he killed all sorts of people’.” Buffy put her hands on her hips and leaned forward, getting in Xander’s face. “You’re right. Spike doesn’t have a soul. As we currently define it, I suppose that’s true. But he’s been doing good things. And he kept doing good things, even after I was dead and buried and there was nobody to impress.” She snorted. “Yeah, Xander, I know all about what Spike was up to last summer. He was playing cards with my sister, and protecting her from every demon that popped through town looking for Glory’s sloppy seconds— and another shot at The Key. He helped you guys patrol almost every other night, and for what? Thanks? A little respect? Companionship? I don’t think so, because it’s not like he got any of those things from you, did he?”

“I think, what really pisses you off, Xander, is the simple fact that he’s a vampire. Well, fuck you. I can’t help who I love. And considering that your fiancée has never expressed a bit of regret for all the men she tortured for a thousand years…” She smiled with no humor. “Pot. Kettle. Black.”

Confused, Xander shook his head. “Um…I know you’re mad and everything, but did you just say that you love Spike?” his voice cracked a little on the last word.

She glanced over at the vampire who regarded her with an inscrutable look. “I did, yeah.” Her words were soft, but no less forceful. Spike simply stared at her. Later, she would tell him how shocked he looked at that particular moment.

Xander heaved a great sigh, looking down at his feet. “I dunno what to say, Buff.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I know…I know I came off like an ass but, see, the thing is…” He met her eyes. “I’m just so worried about you.”

“I know,” she said. “But it’s my life. And I want to be with him. When I’m with him, I feel…”

“What?”

“Warm. Alive.” She met Xander’s eyes squarely. “Makes me feel something other than dead. In short, when I’m with Spike…” Her gaze locked with Spike’s, and she stepped around Xander to stand directly in front of her lover. “I feel like me.”

The vampire rose fluidly to his feet, and drew his knuckles gently down her cheek. Without moving his eyes from Buffy, he said, “I don’t deserve her. I know that. But. I love her more than my own pathetic existence. There isn’t anything I won’t do for her. And she…and she…makes me forget…” He swallowed, unable to continue.

Xander pressed his lips together and looked at the ceiling. “What?” he barked.

The dimples flashed. “Makes me forget that I’m…what I am. Never expected that.”

“Look,” Buffy touched Xander’s arm. “I know you’re worried. But everything’s really okay. For the first time in my life…I’m not worried.”

“I know, Buffy. If being with him…makes you happy, then be happy. You deserve that much. I’m gonna….” He jerked his thumb at the door. “See you later.” He gave Spike a hard look, opened the door, then slipped out into the moonless night.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike wrapped his arms around the Slayer’s back. “That went well, I thought.” He buried his face in her neck, reveling in her scent. She interlocked her fingers behind the small of his back.

“Better than expected, right?” All of the sudden she felt exhausted, and yawned abruptly. “God, I’m tired.”

He grunted. “All the extra exercise you been getting, I bet.” He tightened his arms. “I didn’t think you would, you know.”

“What do you mean?” She lifted her head off his shoulder.

He tilted his head. “Well. I’m still getting used to…” He shrugged helplessly. “No more sneaking around. It’s a little weird to think that I can just,” he leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. “Give you a little snog any time. Everyone knows.”

Buffy frowned. “Almost everyone. I didn’t tell Giles, but since he’s half a world away I feel pretty much okay about it.”

“Mmm. It’s late love. I better be off.”

Before he could move, she grabbed his shoulders and sprang up, winding her legs around his hips. She ran her tongue down his ear and he shuddered in response. Her pelvis ground into his. His muscles flexed under her hands. Spike caught her mouth and kissed her thoroughly.

By the time she came up for air, she realized that another huge chunk of time had somehow passed. Checking out the cable clock, she saw that it was after midnight.

A slightly hysterical giggle rose in her throat. I’m sorry, Mom, I don’t know where the time went. I swear I was at the mall the whole time…

Buffy froze, remembering that her mother was dead.

Instantly, Spike released her. “What is it? What’s wrong, love?”

Her feet hit the floor and she steadied herself. She smiled wanly. “Nothing…I just…Sometimes I miss Mom.”

The blond vampire merely regarded her steadily. He asked no questions.

“I know it’s been almost a year. But sometimes…” Sometimes it hits me so sharp and fresh I feel like someone sliced a straight razor across my heart. And then suddenly all I want to do is cry and never stop…She shook her head. “I can’t really explain it.” Which was a lie. She could explain-- very well, as a matter of fact, except she couldn’t do it without breaking down and that was not happening.

“Night, then, Slayer.” He added soberly, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” At her confused look he gave an exasperated sigh. “It’s Shakespeare.”

“I know,” she answered. “I went to high school, you know.”

But he was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~

She stripped off all her clothes and lay down in bed. She’d been tossing and turning so much since…anyway, she didn’t like waking up feeling strangled.

The cool sheets warmed quickly, and her breathing evened out. Between one thought and the next, she fell…

~~~~~~~~~~

She drifted in the black. At first she was not even aware that she was…after a time, she remembered that she was Buffy. She had no body. There was only the sensation that there was something to do, something that she’d forgotten.

Gradually, she became able to see, although that was not exactly what she was doing. There was no word for what she was doing. And there was nothing to see. Except…

Color. Glorious, striking color, all around her. It was the air…it was sound…it was physical. In this world, color…was life. It had…taste, as well as sound and sensation.

The yellows were smooth clear notes…soprano, buttery, lemony and faintly banana. Blue was crisp and sweet, mellow and smoky. Red…red was the sound of a clarinet, pealing with a clarity that did not exist in the other world. Red was swirling pleasure…heat, with the faintest taste of pepper.

Abruptly she breathed…and remembered. Her eyes cracked open, and she wept.