Season 7 A/U Spike returns a changed demon. Can Buffy join forces with him to defeat the latest threat? New characters, new baddies! NC-17

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ONE

Buffy made her way through the cemetery by memory. Slayer senses extended, mind withdrawn, she unconsciously traced an alternate route from the ones she had already used this week. It was one of the many rules of survival she had employed regularly for years, done routinely, without thinking. She never stopped to consider the irony of how she protected her life with every move, when she constantly found herself pondering the worth of that which she protected.

Patrolling used to be fun. Not always. Not every night. But when she thought back now, she remembered a low feeling of excitement, the anticipation of not knowing what was going to be thrown her way. Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with the demons she was hunting. It had to do with the demon she hunted with. Buffy sighed as once again her thoughts turned to Spike. He had been gone three months. There had been no word, no sign, no rumors of him amongst the undead underground - he had simply disappeared from her life. For the umpteenth time in those three months, she not only thought of how much she missed him, but she felt it as well.

"What's the matter pretty one? Are you lonely?" Buffy whirled around, automatically falling into a fighting stance as a stake seemed to magically appear in her hand from one of her numerous hiding places.

"Oh goody! Finally, a chance to talk about my personal problems with a disgusting, dead smelling fledgling! How lucky can a girl get?"

"You better hope your luck holds out little girl. I care not what you think of me - and I am no fledgling," he said. Buffy watched unmoving as he approached her, his body stretched full out as he performed three rolling flips. He moved with fluid grace as he landed with the tips of his toes on the tombstone two feet in front of her. He crouched low until he was eye level with her, then waited like a bird on its perch, tilting his head quizzically to the left.

Buffy raised her eyebrow at his strange pose. "Okay, a strong seven for the acrobatics, an eight point five for the landing, and an extra half-point for the freak factor. Unfortunately, the point scoring portion of your evening has come to an end - a dead end. Get it? A dead end? Oh come on," she said as the expression on the creatures face never changed. "I'm punny!"

"I thought you said she had a sense of humor." Her visitor said over his shoulder, toward the darkness behind him.

"I never said it was good - wouldn't you agree pet?"

Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she stared in the direction the voice was coming from. That voice… The sound of a match striking home broke the silence, and Buffy's eyes focused on the flame that appeared where before had been only darkness. She watched as the small glow traveled between two hands to ignite a cigarette, her eyes straining to see after the match was shook out. Then, suddenly, he appeared, duster billowing slightly behind him as he stepped out of the shadows and into the moonlight. Buffy's eyes widened as she stared at the reality that only moments before had been a vision in her mind.

"Sp….Spike?"

"Hello cutie," he said softly as he caught her eyes with his own. She felt it - that electric energy that seemed to rush to her toes and back whenever she met his eyes fully. Too much, too many things lay behind his eyes. She wondered if he ever noticed she couldn't hold his gaze for long before she shifted to focus somewhere in between those beautiful, blue orbs. It always felt as though he could see into her soul, see things she wasn't even aware of herself, things she didn't want to think about.

"Don't," she said softly as he started to get that look, - that look right before he poured his heart into his eyes. She didn't think she could take it, seeing what might still be there, or seeing what wasn't. A closed look settled over Spike's face, and she sensed him withdrawing emotionally. Strange how she could still sense such things. "I mean…hi," she finished lamely. "Um, how are you? You look good, um, ah, I mean, you look like you're doing good. . Elsewhere must have agreed with you. How was Elsewhere anyway? It's been so long since I've been there. I keep promising Dawn that I'll take her there someday, but, you know how it goes, I mean…"

"How is the Niblet?" Spike interrupted her nervous babbling.

"Like you care?" Buffy heard the words shoot out of her mouth of their own volition, bitterness being their sole companion. Spike winced at the verbal strike.

" Right then. Shall we get into this now, or just move right on to the punching? I have to say I'm impressed Slayer. You lasted at least ten seconds longer than I thought you would. Knew that mouth would kick in eventually though."

"How dare you? How … you… I… you know what? FUCK YOU SPIKE!!!" she screamed at him, then turned and stormed from the cemetery.

"Well, that went better than I thought," Spike said to his forgotten companion. "Always a good sign when the only ashes connected with me are from my fags." He shook his head ruefully as he lit a cigarette. "Bloody hell!" he said under his breath.

"You were wrong about her," the stranger said as he finally raised from his perch and jumped down from the tombstone. He stopped next to Spike, stretching his muscles out gracefully, and continued walking forward.

"What do you mean mate?" Spike asked as he fell into step with him.

"Hopefully, you'll find that out," he replied, and continued walking in the general direction Buffy had fled.

TWO

Buffy slammed into the house, not caring that the door disengaged from one of its hinges and hung limply as it swung forcefully back and forth against the wall. "fuckhimfuckhimfuckhimfuckhim," she muttered repeatedly under her breath. Rage flowed through her, so strong she felt tears stinging her eyes.

"Buffy? What happened? Are you okay?" Dawn asked as she jumped up from the couch.

Buffy turned in surprise, then took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Dawnie. I didn't mean to … I'm fine. I'm just - PISSED!" She ground out as she threw her jacket at the wall and flounced down in a chair. Buffy shut her eyes and took deep, cleansing breaths. Dawn stood waiting, knowing Buffy would tell her what was up when she got herself under control. It was funny. She'd worried for so long Buffy would never feel anything again. Now she'd be happy to wait all night if that's how long it took for Buffy to feel everything she needed to feel.

"Dawn, " Buffy said. "I've got something to tell you."

Spike slowed as they approached the house on Revello Drive. He didn't know if he was ready for this. His friend turned and looked at him as though he read his mind. Spike shrugged, strode quickly up the walk, and stopped when he saw the door hanging from its hinge. Fear gripped his chest as he launched himself up the stairs. "Buffy??? Dawn???" he screamed as her tore wildly into the house.

"Spike's back," Buffy said as Spike abruptly halted when he saw Buffy sitting quietly, Dawn standing silently beside her.

Dawn's eyes widened when she saw Spike, a huge smile breaking out over her face as Spike strode over and lifted her into a bear hug. "Niblet, you're all right!"

"Spike, " Dawn squealed, hanging on for dear life as he swung her around. "I knew it! I knew you'd never leave for good. I knew you'd come back! Didn't I tell you Buffy?" Dawn asked as Spike finally put her down.

"Ya. You did Dawn." Buffy said quietly, glad to see the joy on her sister's face as she hugged Spike's arm. "Spike? What's with the entrance? Did you think we'd gone deaf?"

"I believe he was alarmed at the condition the door was in, and was concerned for your safety," Spike's strange companion said as he entered the room.

"Dawn, Slayer, I want you to meet Khai - my friend." Spike said.

Buffy and Dawn exchanged glances at the way Spike made the introduction. Did he just say friend, and almost reverently?

"Hi! Nice to meet you," Dawn said as she stepped toward him.

"Dawn! Stop!" Buffy said as she pulled her sister behind her, a stake once again appearing in her hand. "Now why don't you tell me how the hell you got into my house without being invited?" Buffy asked the stranger menacingly.

"It's simple, luv," Spike said behind her. "He's not a vampire."

Buffy snorted. "Spike please. Slayer here, remember? I think I know a vampire when I see one."

"Not this time pet. He's Thangh Doh , " Spike said.

"I am similar in many ways to vampires, except in some key areas. A distant cousin, if you will," Khai elaborated, holding his hands with the palms outward. "I do not victimize, I do not harm innocents, and though I drink blood, it is never from a human."

Buffy stared warily at the man in front of her. He was slightly taller than Spike, with a wiry build and broad shoulders. His hair was jet black, with silver glinting on the tips as the short strands refused to stay down on the top of his head. His features were proud, his cocoa-colored skin smooth and unblemished, a stark contrast to his jade-green eyes. Still in fighting stance, Buffy reached deep inside her spirit, focusing her Slayer senses on the being in front of her. Though the initial impression was that of a vampire, she quickly realized that was not what he was. The feel of him was … different, calming. Buffy opened her eyes and met his. What she saw there confirmed he was telling the truth. Buffy felt her anxiety melt away as she relaxed her stance.

"I am sorry for entering your home uninvited. I did not mean to be rude. I only wanted to make certain everyone was alright," Khai said apologetically, and then smiled.

Buffy and Dawn both inhaled sharply as his smile seemed to light up the room. He was breathtaking. Light seemed to pour from him and then, suddenly, the impression was gone. The two continued to stare at Khai, still standing with a kind smile on his face.

"Hey, down boy," Spike said as he smiled wryly at his friend.

"What was that?" Buffy asked.

Spike raised his eyebrow inquiringly at her.

"Don't give me that look! You know exactly what I'm talking about! What was with the light show?"

" I promise I'll explain later, pet. You have nothing to fear from Khai. Trust me." Spike realized the mistake with his choice of words as soon as they came out of his mouth.

"Like hell!" Buffy spit at him. "Khai, can I get you anything? I'm going to the kitchen - I suddenly feel the need to surround myself with sharp, pointy objects!" Seeing the shake of his head, she headed down the hall, loud sounds of banging metal following shortly.

THREE

"Some things never change," Spike said as he and Dawn stepped onto the porch, the sounds from the kitchen finally being muffled.

"You'd be surprised, Spike," Dawn replied. "She's changed. She's not like she was before she died, and she's not like she was when she came back, thank God. I don't know. In some ways I think she's more alive than she's ever been, and in some ways I think she keeps herself so deep down inside that no one can reach the real her. Still, I know she's happier than she was. I guess that's what matters.

"I guess some things do change," Spike said as he looked at her in wonder. "When did you get so smart?"

"When I stopped whining and boo-hooing my way through life, I guess," she replied, smiling at his compliment. Dawn sighed loudly, staring down her feet. "It hasn't been easy, Spike," she said softly, sitting on the top step. Spike sat next to her, silently waiting for her to continue.

"Everything seemed to happen at once. Xander left Anya at the altar, Buffy freaked out and almost let a demon kill all of us, Buffy tells me about you and her, and before I can decide to be happy about it or not, you're having sex with Anya - on camera no less!" Spike winced at the memory of the confrontation that took place on that far away day. "The only good thing seemed to be Willow and Tara getting closer only," Dawn swallowed as tears welled in her eyes and silently coursed down her cheeks. Spike put his arm around her and pulled her close. "I found her body Spike," Dawn cried into his shoulder. "The only thing I could think was how Buffy must have felt when she found mom. I just sat there, staring at her, knowing it wasn't her, knowing she was gone. That's when I missed you the most. I knew Buffy had to go after Willow, but I needed to feel the way you made me feel when Buffy died. I needed you."

"I'm so sorry Niblet," Spike said, sadness filling his voice." So very sorry."

"It's okay, Spike. Really," she said, sitting upright and hugging his arm. "I understand now. When I thought about it, I couldn't blame you for going. When Buffy was gone, I saw you almost every day. We were friends. But when she came back, you just drifted further and further away from me. But I drifted away from you too. I knew something was going on with you, that it had to be just as hard for you as it was for me, but I just decided to resent everyone and everything that made me feel alone. I was selfish. I guess all of us were pretty screwed up, too busy focusing on our own problems to bother to notice anyone else's. Do you want to know what snapped me out of it?" Dawn asked, wiping her tears and smiling up at him.

"What?" Spike asked, a tender smile on his face.

"You."

"You want to run that by me again pet?"

Dawn smiled broadly at his confusion. "You snapped me out of it, or the thought of you anyway. Since I couldn't talk to you in person, I carried on conversations with you in my head. The one thing I can say about you - there's no way to pretend you'd say anything but the cold, hard truth. The things I didn't want to hear were the very things I heard you saying in my head. I needed to hear them. So, when you think about it, you were there when I needed you most after all," she said, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek, then resting her head on his shoulder.

Spike was glad she didn't expect a response. He wouldn't have been able to get around the lump in his throat to say anything. Instead, he kissed the top of her head, hugging her close as he filled with pride at the young woman she'd become. Briefly, he wondered what else might have changed as drastically. He shook the question off, content to sit with Dawn and enjoy being with his friend again.

FOUR

"Dawn? Time for bed." Buffy said as she opened the porch door. Buffy had heard the tale end of their conversation the first time she had approached the door, but had left them sitting silently to give them some more time together. Now, before opening the door she saw the two thumb-wrestling, Dawn's giggle and Spike's low chuckle reaching her ears. "And don't disturb Khai - I think he's meditating or something, either that or he watches TV with his eyes closed and the set turned off."

"Okay, fine," Dawn said as she looked at Buffy's face and saw the resolution there. "I won't try to talk you out of it tonight. And you," she said, turning and addressing Spike. "Don't think for a minute you're getting out of telling me everything!" Dawn leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "I just think someone else needs an explanation more than I do" and kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight Spike. Night Buffy. Please try not to fight too much!"

They both watched as she entered the house, then slowly became aware that they were alone with each other for the first time in months.

"She's amazing," Spike said, breaking the silence, choosing a safe common ground.

"Yeah," Buffy replied. "She's grown up a lot. I guess she had to," she said softly.

"Buffy," he said, causing her to look at him by using her name. "I'm sorry about Tara," he said with sympathy in his eyes.

"Thanks," she said, smiling slightly, pain flashing in her eyes. "She, she was a good friend," Buffy said, thinking of Tara's calming presence and loving acceptance, even when she had told her about Spike.

"She was taken too soon," Spike said in agreement.

Buffy stared at him as though she'd been slapped. "Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I don't know that she died because of ME - because he was trying to kill ME?! Do you think I don't blame myself everyday because that beautiful spirit is gone, and it would still be here if she hadn't met ME?" she cried, tears coursing down her cheeks.

"Buffy, no, I only meant…" Spike floundered as she started to push past him, hands covering her face. "Buffy stop. Please don't do this," Spike said grabbing her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Tara's dead because some sick wanker got himself a god complex. She died because she was one of the good guys. Do you really think she would regret that? I'm sorry, pet. I know you're hurting, but what you just said is a load of rubbish, and you don't give her enough credit."

"Wh…What?" Buffy asked, trying to tell if she'd heard him right. "How can you say that to me?" she asked with pain in her eyes.

"Simple, luv. Tara didn't die because of your choices. She died because she made her own, and she was woman enough to accept what that meant. She chose to fight on the side of good. She could have chosen to stay as far away from you lot as she could, but she didn't. She chose to risk her life for what she believed in. It's not right to make her death about you!" Spike said forcefully.

Buffy stared at him in shock for several seconds. He let go of her shoulders and angrily lit a cigarette. Buffy watched as the smoke billowed into the clear night air.

"So now you're qualified to lecture me about what's right?" Buffy asked in a menacingly low voice. "The soulless vampire is lecturing the Chosen One about what's right! I must be in the Twilight Zone. Although you were right about one thing, Spike. Tara stayed. You didn't. Now get out of my sight." Buffy turned and walked into the house without another glance.

Spike stood tensely on the porch, hands clenched at his sides. "Fuck Me," he swore at himself.

"Thanks, but you're not my type," Khai said as he stepped onto the porch, closing the door as firmly as possible behind him, such as it was.

"Feeling refreshed mate?" Spike asked, avoiding his eyes.

"I know I am feeling better than you are, my friend," Khai replied, catching Spike's eye anyway.

"I guess that wouldn't take much right about now Khai," Spike said as he walked down the steps and began striding away from the house. Khai silently fell into step beside him. "So, now you've seen the way we get on. Any thoughts?"

"Individually, your passions are great. When combined, they burst into flames. You need to learn how to tend that fire." Khai replied in his deep voice, his muted accent making the words seem almost melodious.

"Right then, that clears everything up, dunnit?" Spike said sarcastically. Khai simply flashed one of his magnanimous smiles and continued walking silently beside his white-haired friend.

FIVE

Buffy paced back and forth in her bedroom, having given up trying to sleep. Her anger simmered beneath the surface, making her restless. The clock said 3am. Buffy shook her head in amazement, wondering how what seemed like so much could have happened within the last three hours. She couldn't believe he was back. She couldn't believe he still looked the same after what seemed like so long. She couldn't believe he'd been able to hurt her so deeply so soon. "Dammit," she sighed, finally acknowledging the truth behind her anger - she was hurt. Hurt by how easy it was for Dawn to express her joy at his return, hurt by the easy way the two of them had picked up where they had left off, even better than how they had left off. Hurt that he hadn't thrown his arms around her…"No. I refuse to go down that road. I'm glad Dawn has her friend back. She deserves to have something good happen for a change." Buffy thought about the words Dawn had said to Spike earlier. 'The thing about you - there's no way to pretend you'd say anything but the cold, hard truth. The things I didn't want to hear were the very things…'

"Aw, crap!" Buffy smiled to herself ruefully as she got back in bed, the truth of his words finally sinking in. She turned over and went to sleep

SIX

Anya looked up as the bell above the door of the Magic Shop rang. She waved at Buffy and Dawn as they made their way to the research table.

"No school today Dawn?" Anya asked.

"Nope, not for a couple of weeks still. And boy, am I glad I didn't have to go to bed early last night," Dawn replied, a grin breaking out on her face.

"Dawn," Buffy said warningly. Realization broke over Dawn's face. "Um, I think I'll go play with the mummy hands, as long as they're still dead that is," she looked inquiringly at Anya. The former demon nodded, and Dawn made her way to the shelves.

"Anya," Buffy said. "I wanted to talk to you before the others got here. I thought you deserved a heads up." Anya looked up from the ledger book she was writing in and gave Buffy her full attention.

"What is it Buffy?" Anya asked.

"Spike's back," Buffy blurted.

Anya smiled. "Oh good. I had a feeling he'd resurface soon," she said, and began writing in the ledger again.

"What?" Buffy asked. "Is that it? I mean, aren't you worried about things being, you know, awkward?"

"Why would things be awkward between me and Spike?" Anya asked, looking up. Buffy raised her eyebrow in response. "You mean because we fornicated?" Buffy's eyebrow stayed where it was. "I forgot how touchy the subject of sex is with some humans. Buffy, Spike and I had great sex." Buffy winced involuntarily.

Anya took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. "I'm sorry if what I said bothered you. When I say we had great sex, I mean just that - sex. It wasn't anything more than that. We had sex because we were in the same place at the same time, that's all. And besides - sex to a demon is like breathing to a human. So, you could say we breathed together," Anya said, pleased with how she summed the matter up, and went back to her ledger.

"Aren't you worried about Xander's reaction when he finds out Spike's back?" Buffy questioned her.

"He'll just have to get over it," Anya replied. "After all, you did, right?"

Buffy was saved from answering that question by the arrival of Xander and Willow. "Hi guys," she said to the two as they dumped their things on the table.

"Hey Buff, what's the what?" Xander asked, as Dawn and Willow sat down. "What are we looking for this time? Oooee, gooee, slimey, or kablooey? What's the Big Bad?"

"Did I hear my name?" Spike asked as he strode into the room from the area of the basement with Khai in tow. Buffy held her breath as she waited for the explosion. Dawn smiled broadly at Spike and gave a Khai a little wave.

"What? I brought Scooby Snacks," Spike said as he placed a heaping box of bakery donuts. "They're fresh." Spike smiled back at Dawn, ruffling her hair as Khai gave her a bright smile.

Buffy expelled her breath in surprise as she saw Anya come from around the counter, clapping her hands until she threw her arms around Spike and gave him a big hug. "It's about time you showed your face around here again Spike."

"Hello, beautiful. It's good to see you too," he said as he returned her hug. They gave each other a light kiss on the lips, and Anya sat down next to Xander, a smile on her face.

The eyes of the other three females had all widened at the exchange of affection, one with a flash of pain behind the surprise. All three studiously avoided looking in Xander's direction.

"Red, Xander," Spike nodded at the two. "Good to see you both. You look well." Spike continued. The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as Spike looked at all of them. "What'd I do now?"

"You came back for one," Xander said in a low voice. "And number two," he said as he walked over and stopped in front of Spike, centimeters away from his chest. "if you ever touch her again, I'll finish what I started the last time we were at this shop." Xander glared menacingly at Spike.

"You've gotta be joking, mate," Spike said. Without breaking eye contact, he inclined his head toward Anya. "You mean to tell me he's still pissed about our little encounter? Didn't you explain everything?"

"I tried, Spike, but… Maybe you could do better?" Anya pleaded.

"Right then," Spike said, bringing his chin closer to Xander. "You want to give me some room to work here, mate, or do you want to keep eating your heart out over a vampire you despise?" Xander resumed his seat, never taking his eyes away from Spike. "I'll make this as simple as possible. Anya and I did nothing wrong," Spike held up his hand to stop any interruption as he spotted movement from everyone seated at the table except Dawn and Anya. He figured Dawn was just excited they were actually going to talk about sex in front of her. Buffy must have had the same thought because she said, "Dawn, maybe…"

"No Slayer," Spike said. "She's old enough to hear what I'm going to say. She knows what happened. It's only fair she gets to hear everything."

Buffy sat back in her chair, silently giving the okay. She looked down at her boots while Spike continued.

"As I said, we did nothing wrong. What happened was supposed to be personal, between the two of us. It was never supposed to involve any of you. Not because we were ashamed, or sorry, but because it was none of your bloody business. It wasn't about hurting anyone, even if that's how the night began," Spike raised an eyebrow at Anya, reminding everyone of why she had sought Spike out that night. "Anya and I were alike. We both knew what it felt like to have our power taken away from us. We both knew what it was like to try and start over without the very thing that had defined us since out demon births. And we both knew what it was like to love someone who didn't love us back, at least then. I can see that's not how it is anymore." Spike saw Anya's smile and he nodded in approval at Xander. "Good. She deserves it. You lot need to remember that Anya and I knew who we loved. Never for a moment did we think that way about each other. We had sex - we didn't make love. To demons, sex is …"

"Like breathing?" Anya offered, smiling at Buffy.

"Exactly," Spike agreed. "It's just as big a part of demon life as my drinking blood, or Anyanka exacting vengeance. We knew that about each other, so we knew where we were coming from. What I don't think you two realize," he said, addressing Buffy and Xander, " is that we only had sex because we were both demons." Buffy and Xander both looked at him and Anya, who was nodding in agreement. "Bloody hell,' Spike said, looking at Anya. "I understand what you meant by 'trying'. Okay. I said before that Anya and I knew who we loved. Though I know this group, as well as the bloody Council, have contrary opinions - demons take love seriously. Because you both were human, neither of us would have sought out a human, or any being who had the same views on sex and betrayal that humans have. To do so would have been unthinkable. Sex between demons is more like a hug when someone is feeling down. So Anya and I hugged

each other in a way that's different from you, but just as valid. I'm sorry people were hurt, that wasn't the intention. But if you think we're supposed to stand in front of you in shame and regret you can bloody well shove off. We like each other, we admire each other, and we're friends. You may think a demon's view on sex is wrong, but it's a damn sight better than your own views."

All but Anya and Khai looked at him questioningly.

"All of you hated what happened between us - some obviously more than others," Spike continued. "But all of you had a little voice telling you it wasn't fair to blame us. We'd both been dumped, we had no one we had to answer to, we were two adults who made a choice - but you still felt betrayed. You never would have felt any of that if you were demons. Love doesn't happen often in the demon world, so when it does, you make it count, and you adhere to the code. As I said, sex to demons is like an expression of friendship. Once you fall in love, all parties acknowledge the change in that 'friendship.' You could have a sexual partner for centuries, and never be in love, like the equivalent of humans having a best friend. If, as a demon, you're in love with someone, you tell them, regardless of whether they are in love with you. The point is not rejection, its adherence to the code. Once love is expressed, whether singly or mutually, the existence of that demon changes. By telling someone you are in love with them, you are making a commitment far greater than those words convey amongst you humans. When a demon expresses that sentiment, they are saying they are committed to you, they will not disrespect you, and they will be with you until you decide otherwise. That expression is never made with expectation. It is made from the heart, and is a personal vow to the object of their love. Thus, the idea of making love to someone other than the person in your heart is unthinkable. The idea that someone could say those words and not mean them is non-existent. Again, that emotion is expressed only by choice, with full acknowledgment of the commitment behind it. In this human world, you never know what to believe. If you were demons, you would know that Anya and I could have never betrayed the people we were in love with. ……Right, " Spike said. 'I'm going for a smoke. By the way, this is my friend Khai. Buffy and Dawn can explain, and if you have any questions about what I just said, feel free to ask him.

SEVEN

Xander watched Spike as he left. He looked at Anya, recognizing the hope in her eyes, the hope of him finally realizing what she had tried to explain for the last four months. He looked over at Buffy, soon realizing she was caught up in her own thoughts about what they had just heard. She felt his eyes on her, and flashed him a brief, but meaningful smile, before she returned to her own reveries.

"I'll be damned, " he thought to himself. " He really did stop me from eating my heart out over a demon I hate." Xander felt the knots in his stomach finally disappear, and he felt a lightening of the load he had carried for the last four months. He stood up, grabbed Anya's hand, nodded at the mystery man Khai, and left the store, Anya safely in tow, mouthed, "please close up" to Willow as they left.

"Two down, two to go," Khai thought silently to himself, knowing Dawn understood far more than the supposed adults around her did. He went and sat down by the object of his thoughts, knowing they wouldn't speak until the others had fulfilled their need.

"Um, Buffy?" Willow asked tentatively. "Do we need to go into the workout room, or can we just talk right here?" she asked, looking pointedly at Dawn and Khai.

"In all honesty Will, we couldn't do better than talking in front of these two," Buffy said in a resigned tone.

"Okay," Willow commented. "Could I maybe just have some idea about who Khai is? No offense," she said to Khai. "I'd just feel better knowing who knows our deepest thoughts before they decide to kill us - it cuts down on the research time." She said with a smile.

"Dawn will explain, Willow. Khai is … a future friend. You have nothing to fear from him - trust me," she said as she flashed on the similar words Spike had said to her last night. 'I need to talk to Spike," she said, not realizing she had spoken out loud. The remaining three watched her as she followed after Spike, each hoping they'd go beyond pain in their exchange.

"Khai - I'm Willow. It's nice to meet you," Willow said sincerely, knowing this being was from the Light.

"Willow," said Khai. "I believe we know some people in common …"

Spike felt her presence, the moment her attention was focused on him. His chest seized with anxiety, and he was thankful once again for not needing to breath.

"Slayer," he acknowledged, as he sensed her presence by the door. " Did Khai confuse you by his cryptic responses?"

"Um … I never asked Khai anything - and since when did you become as eloquent as you were in there? I mean, I could almost see the weight fall off Xander's shoulders - he and Anya left a couple minutes ago. I … who are you?" she asked sincerely.

Spike tried not to feel hurt by her question. "I am who I've always been, - you just never knew me," he said truthfully.

"Will we ever be able to talk without you taking cheap shots at me?" Buffy asked. "Because if that's the case, I'm just going to give up now. I can't keep fighting with you Spike - it's too hard," she said softly as she turned away from him, ready to go back to her friends.

"Buffy, " he said, capturing her attention once more. " I'm not taking cheap shots. I'm just trying to speak the truth. I'm glad Xander finally released his demons surrounding me and Anya, if that is indeed what took place. He would never be worthy of her if he didn't move on."

"You know, I understand everything you said in there, and even though I haven't been able to process all of it yet, I'm glad you explained everything. But I could really do without your constant praise of Anya, at least for a while." She said honestly.

"I'm not trying to praise Anya - I just refuse to pretend that I don't appreciate her. I'm sorry, Slayer, I don't mean to hurt you. But this isn't about her. It's about me and you," he said, unconsciously standing upright, coiled apprehension straightening his posture - both inside and out.

Buffy inhaled sharply, wanting to avoid this conversation with everything in her, except for the traitorous bond her heart had made with her mind where this evil vampire was concerned. She waited for his comments in silence.

"You know, I'm not going to put myself through this," Spike said, changing his mind. "I know we need to talk, and I know we need to work through everything you heard me say tonight. But I will not give you answers to questions you refuse to ask. I'm not that Spike anymore Slayer. If you want to know anything from me, you'll have to seek me out. If you're too afraid to ask, so be it, but if you want to know how things are now, how things stand between us, you'll have to look for me. Aside from that, I'll always be there if you need help, and I will continue to visit Dawn. If you don't like that idea, I understand, but you know she'll just find me anyway. I'd like your permission to be with her at any time, so long as you know where she is. Here's my cell phone number - you can reach me anytime - whether Dawn is with me or not. Give it to the Scoobies. Only people I care about have this number, so I will always answer if I'm able to. If I don't return your call, Khai will."

Spike took a deep, unneeded breath and said, "I hate the way things went between us last night Buffy. I know we've always been more likely to fight than do anything else, but I can't do it anymore either. You have so many reasons to be angry with me, and I don't question that. But I do need you to know that I'm different. I can't be what I used to be. If you want to talk, I'm willing, but I refuse to pretend everything is okay between us. I paid my respects to the Scoobies, If they need to reach me, they know how. In the meantime, I'll be around. Tell Khai I've gone to Clem's," he finished and walked away.

Buffy stared after him, not certain what she was feeling. She knew he was different. He had said more in his earlier speech than he probably had in three years. His energy was different, but she couldn't quite figure out how. He seemed - balanced. Spike's energy used to feel like a ricocheting raquetball, you never knew where it would hit next. Now it was - calm. He was different with her, too, and she realized she didn't want to think about that.

Buffy walked back inside, noticing Willow and Khai were engaged in animated conversation.

"Where's Spike," Dawn asked.

"Gone," Buffy said as Willow and Khai looked up. "He said to tell you he went to Clem's."

"Did you two have another fight?" Dawn asked as Buffy sat down.

"Not really," Buffy replied. "I don't know what we had," she said, surprised at her sudden need to cry. "Khai?" she asked softly. "What happened to him?"

"That is a tale only he can tell," Khai replied gently. "I will tell you he made his choices willingly, and he suffered greatly because of them."

"Choices," Buffy repeated. "Is that why he freaked on me last night?"

"Perhaps," Khai smiled.

Buffy updated Willow and Dawn on her exchange with Spike the night before.

"He was right, Buffy," Willow said. "I felt the same way you did, until Magistra told me basically the same thing Spike told you. I realized instead of respecting her memory, I was dishonoring her."

"I know he was right," Buffy said. "It's just - you know me when it comes to Spike. One word and POW, right in the kisser!" Buffy attempted a lame Ralph Kramden impression.

"Why?" Khai asked.

"Why?" Buffy asked in surprise. "I dunno. I guess because of the whole vampire, Slayer thing for starters. I mean, he did try to kill all of us at one time or another."

"Not all of us," Dawn reminded her.

"Is that how you truly see him - as just a vampire?" Khai asked.

"Well, ya, I mean that's what he is," Buffy said.

"Buffy, you are so full of it!" Dawn blurted at her as Willow rolled her eyes. Khai smiled in amusement at their reactions.

"I, it's, I mean … it's confusing," Buffy finished lamely.

"Perhaps a better question is - do you treat him as just a vampire?" Khai asked.

"Yes!" Willow and Dawn answered for her.

Buffy looked at them in hurt.

"It' true, Buffy," Willow said gently. "From everything you've told me, Spike was the reason you started living again. But even after you became intimate, instead of being grateful, you said yourself you treated him like dirt. My goddess, I had no idea how demons felt about love until today. When I think of how mean we were to him, how often we made fun of his feelings for you … and he just took it. I can't imagine how that must have felt. The harshest part is how it must have felt to have you tell him he was incapable of it. I feel sick just thinking of what we did to him," Willow finished sadly.

"I know I treated him badly," Buffy said with tears in her eyes. "That's why I stopped it. I knew I couldn't love him, knew I couldn't care deeply about a soulless vampire. I still can't." Buffy stood up. "I'm going to patrol. Make sure Dawn gets home okay Willow?" Seeing Willow's nod, Buffy left.

"Can't or won't?" Dawn said under her breath. Khai smiled at her, hearing her words.

"I imagine such a situation would be difficult, knowing you are supposed to kill the very thing that loves you," Khai observed.

"Well it's not like it's the first time," Dawn said. "She went through the same thing with Angel"

"Ah yes," Khai nodded. "Angelus. Spike told me about him. Of course, I was already aware of his existence, but Spike filled in the blanks."

"Betcha that was a fun conversation," Dawn said as she and Willow laughed. "He soooo hates Angel!"

"Their relationship does have its … complications" Khai observed. Dawn and Willow burst out laughing at his understatement.

"Khai?" Dawn asked as they regained their control. "Is Spike okay? I mean you said he suffered, is he, does he still?" she asked with concern.

"No more than you or I now, Dawn," he replied, touched by her care for the vampire. "He withstood things most would have crumbled under. He is one of the strongest beings I have ever known." Khai stated simply. "I must go now, but I will see you both soon. You have my number if you wish to contact me."

"He rocks," Dawn said as they watched him leave.

"Definitely," Willow agreed.

EIGHT

Buffy entered the house, noticing Xander must have been there because the door was fixed, again.

"Hi Willow," she said, seeing her friend sitting in the recliner, a book on her lap. "Dawn asleep?"

"Yup," Willow said, closing her book. "How you doing?" the witch asked.

"I'm okay," Buffy said with a small smile. "I feel kinda - freaked - but I can't really explain why - too many reasons I guess. Okay if I wait til I got it figured out?"

"You bet." Willow said, smiling at her friend.

"So how about you?" Buffy asked. "How are things. How's the Nog?" Willow smiled at Buffy's pet name for Willow's situation.

For almost three months Willow had been under the binding spell known as Kroosh N Gnog. After everything that happened after Tara's death, and Xander had brought Willow back from her dark self, Giles had arranged for the ceremony to be performed. The Kroosh N Gnog consisted of Willow's powers being

bound, unable to be invoked without permission. It also consisted of an internal tutorial with a triumvirate of master witches, who trained Willow in the three areas of witchcraft, the Light, the Dark, and the Gray. The three witches were bound toWillow on a spiritual level, with Magistra, the teacher of the Light, being her primary guide. Rather than 'attending classes', Willow entered deep levels of meditation to receive their teachings. She had never met the three in person, but they were always with her on some level.

"Good," Willow replied. "When I think back, I'm amazed I never killed myself or anyone else long before Warren came into the picture. I was so stupid. I didn't have a clue about the forces I was messing with. I just thought 'hey cool, look at what I can do.' I was such an idiot," she said ruefully. "Did you know the Gray realm is the most dangerous level of witchcraft? It makes sense, when you think about it. That's the level everyone starts with. You do your first spell, you're Gray. That's why it's so dangerous, because idiots like me don't know what's Light or Dark yet, even though we think we do. Not Tara though - she always knew the Light," Willow finished sadly.

Buffy studied her friend, remembering what she became after Tara died. There weren't too many things that frightened Buffy anymore, but seeing her friend as a Dark Witch had chilled her to the core. She didn't remember feeling that kind of fear before. The glee she'd exhibited after killing Warren still visited her nightmares. When she became Willow again, they knew they had to go to the police. Buffy started when she remembered they had Spike to thank for how things had turned out. Clem had suggested they talk to Jake, a homicide detective with the Sunnydale PD. He said Spike had gotten to know him after the Katrina incident, and told Clem he would understand if something like that ever happened again.

They called the station, and arranged to meet Jake at the house. When he arrived, Buffy understood why Spike had started talking to him. Jake turned out to be Ja Kron Dor, and though he wore a human visage, Buffy's Spidey sense tingled upon opening the door. That, and he was seven feet of solid muscle. He was a guardian of justice, hence his position on the force. Though the police didn't officially acknowledge that Sunnydale was different from other cities, they had established Jake's unit to handle all things hell mouth related. When they relayed what had happened, Jake said no charges would be brought up against Willow. Though she had killed another human with magic, it could technically be called self-defense, since he had perpetrated several crimes of his own, and he would have killed her if he could. He was satisfied with the Kroosh N Gnog being performed.

Buffy and Willow continued to sit in comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

"What did you and Khai talk about?" Buffy asked, breaking their reveries.

"Oh," Willow brightened at the demon's name. "How neat is he? And guess what? He's Magistra's brother!" she said excitedly.

"What?" Buffy asked in surprise.

"I know! How wild is that? I guess they hadn't seen each other in years until a few weeks ago, but they can talk to each other the way I talk to her. When he told her he was coming to Sunnydale, she told him about the Nog. I wonder if she's as good looking as he is? How awesome would that be?" Willow wriggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Willow!" Buffy laughed. It was nice to see her friend happy. She had dealt with so much, especially accepting responsibility for Warren's death.

"He is cute," Buffy agreed. "Do you think Magistra would give you the scoop on him? Like what exactly a Thangh Doh is, and what he'd be doing with Spike?"

"No harm in asking," Willow said. "But Buffy, why is it so weird he'd be with Spike? I mean, they're obviously pretty tight."

"Exactly, Will," Buffy said. "There's gotta be a reason why such a 'good guy' would be with Spike."

"Buffy," Willow said gently. "Why don't you just ask Spike?"

"I don't think I can Will," she said, and quickly filled Willow in on what Spike had said to her earlier. "To be honest, I am afraid. I don't know what I feel about anything involving him. Everything is always so intense, so - hard. And now apparently the rules have changed, he's changed, and I don't know if I can accept that. I'm scared to find out what those changes are, and of where I fit in, if I fit in. I just … I don't want to deal. It's too hard," she finished quietly.

"It's okay to feel that way Buffy," Willow said. "But we both know we wind up dealing anyway," she said understandingly as she gave her friend a hug goodnight and headed to bed.

"Ain't it the truth," Buffy muttered to herself.

NINE

Spike felt the fire dance along his skin, the searing pain causing unspeakable agony. He screamed silently, willing himself to continue standing inside the flames. The demon near him watched without comment, observing the trial objectively. Then Spike saw her. Naked, her body glowed in the light of the fire, her eyes dancing in joy at his pain. Arms wrapped around her from behind, as Angelus glared at Spike. "How could you have ever thought she would be yours? You're evil, a thing to her, she doesn't even care enough to put you out of your misery. She's mine, Spike. I'm who's in her heart. I always will be"

"Always will be," Buffy said as she pulled his mouth down to hers. Spike watched helplessly as they clung to each other, using their hands and tongues to explore their bodies. Buffy sighed in ecstasy as Angel laid her down, plunging his fingers into her, getting her ready for him. Spike winced as Angel finally entered her, thrusting deep, Buffy crying out his name as he filled her. Spike watched as they approached orgasm,

their bodies reveling in each other. Buffy screamed as she reached her peak, her body shuddering in pleasure. Angelus looked at Spike with an evil smile. "Mine," he said as his demon face emerged and he sunk his fangs into her neck, both bodies convulsing in pleasure as he drank from the chalice of her body.

Tears rolled down Spike's face as he watched Buffy with her true love, knowing the truth in what he saw. He looked at the demon . "I will do whatever it takes, even if it's this."

The demon nodded, and stoked the flames.

Spike sat straight up, relieved to see the familiar surroundings of his crypt. Pain suddenly shot through his head. He moaned loudly as he held his head in his hands.

"Bloody hell, Khai. Who'd you let kick me in the head?" Spike asked, his rough voice laced with pain.

"I believe his name was Jack. Yes, Jack Daniels. All five bottles of him." Khai replied in a chipper tone.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrggg," Spike said as he remembered the previous night. "Did I save any of the bloody dog's hair?"

"Here," Khai laughed. Spike attempted a glare, but failed miserably. Khai just laughed harder.

Spike flipped him off as he took a big swig of the bottled demon. After a few more swallows, his headache receded.

"Finally," Spike said in relief. "There now, all better. So, I had fun last night?" he asked.

Khai just looked at him.

"That bad, ha?" Spike sighed. "At least you can't say I didn't earn it. You know how hard it was for me to say those things to her."

"I know my friend," Khai said understandingly. He studied the vampire across from him, having recognized the nightmare that plagued him earlier. It was a frequent visitor, compared to the others. But they all made their appearances regularly. Khai had witnessed all of them at one time or another, knowing what they contained through Spike's description of them. He had only told him about them once, never mentioning them since. But Khai knew. Amazed at the strength of the being in front of him, Khai thought of when they'd first met.

Spike had finished his trials. Khai was sent to help him recover. Spike had been catatonic, the only signs of animation being the tremors that plagued his body. He remained in that state for two weeks. Khai had cared for him, forcing blood down his throat spoonful by spoonful. He dressed his wounds, burns covering his body from the chest down. Charred skin would come off in strips, Spike's body convulsing in pain. Khai

knew the challenges Spike had undergone, the test consisting of both physical and mental torture. Spike had come initially to rid himself of the chip. When the Master told him that wasn't the reason he was there, Spike was curious. He learned he'd been destined to seek out Master Zo, but it was his choice whether to accept the chance he was offered. After hearing the Master's proposal, Spike accepted without hesitation.

This had caused quite a commotion among the Thangh Doh, as an evil vampire had not chosen to undergo the trials in a millennia. Most were born Thangh Doh, like Khai. That a Dark One, let alone a Master Vampire like Spike, had asked to become one with them, was big news indeed. The trials involved stripping away every barrier, every sense of power, every protection, until there was nothing left but the being in its simplest form. This was done using the fears and doubts of the person themselves, every psychological and physical torture imaginable in their own minds. Upon completion, Master Zo entered their mind and placed the ways of the Thangh Doh there, finishing by explaining their new mission, and what was expected of them. It was at this point that Khai was sent to him.

"Weren't so bad," were the first words Spike had uttered when he awoke to find Khai sitting next to his bed. He had smiled weakly, and fell into his first restful sleep since the trials had begun. That had been eight weeks ago. Once Spike had fully recovered, they performed the ceremony of the Kashnuk in front of the rest of the clan. The ceremony entailed opening their minds to each other, withholding nothing. They experienced each others memories, thoughts and feelings. In those moments, their essences intertwined, and the Kashnuk was completed. They were now bonded to each other, partners on each other's path. At the closing of the ceremony, Master Zo brought Spike and Khai before him and his own Kashnuk partner, Master Thom. They each drank from each other, while the clan chanted, "Blood to blood, partner to partner, Masters to sons, sons to Masters, let the blood brothers be one." They were now brothers. Immediately following the ceremony, they had left for Sunnydale to fulfill their destinies.

Spike had been quiet at the beginning of their journey, his mind adjusting to the changes that had taken place within him. One night, he awoke from a nightmare, and started talking. He talked for hours. He told Khai about the nightmares that plagued him, about what his trials had entailed, about his fears around returning to Sunnydale, about his insecurity being a member of the clan. Khai had listened to it all, never making a sound until Spike had finished.

"My brother," he had said. "If you did not feel such things, you would not be worthy of us." With that, he had gone to sleep, Spike's chuckles ringing in his ears.

Since then, they had talked about anything and everything, deepening the bond the Kashnuk had started. They were truly brothers.

"Oi, Khai," Spike said, startling Khai out of his reverie. "You talking to Mags again?" Khai smiled at Spike's shortening of his sister's name.

"No Spike," Khai replied. "I was just thinking."

"Thought I warned you about that mate," Spike joked. "Nasty things, thoughts."

"Yes, it does appear you avoid them at all costs," Khai smiled back.

"Bleedin comedian now, eh? How'd I get so lucky" Spike responded.

They were interrupted by a knock on the crypt door. "Well we know it ain't Buffy," Spike said, having told Khai about her normal entrances.

"Come in," Spike yelled.

"Hi, " Dawn and Willow said in unison as they walked in. "Is it too early? Were you awake? Dawn refused to wait any longer…" Willow trailed off as she saw Dawn stop short before hugging Spike, her eyes widening in horror. Willow inhaled sharply as she saw the reason for Dawn's reaction.

Spike stood shirtless, thick, ugly scars covering his body from his chest down to the waistband of his jeans.

"Ohmigod … Spike," Dawn gasped, tears swimming in her eyes.

"Shit," Spike said, as he hastily grabbed a t-shirt and yanked it over his head. "Dawn, it's okay. I'm okay. They're healing," he said, lifting her chin to look in her eyes.

"Wh, What happened to you?" she asked, her chin trembling.

"I promise I'll explain everything. Just give me some more time, okay?" he asked gently. Dawn nodded and threw her arms around him. Spike hugged her back, smiling reassuringly at Willow after seeing the concern in her eyes.

"So," Spike said. "What brings you two by?"

"We thought we'd take Khai on a guided tour of Sunnydale, and then go dancing at the Bronze. You guys up for it?"

"You do remember we're demons, right?" Spike said. "That means we're not gonna fall for a convenient tour of the mall, while you two make us lug around the contents of three stores that Khai just had to see. Got it?"

"Aw Spike," Dawn said, giving him a doe-eyed look. "It wouldn't be three stores - Buffy's not here," she said, pulling on his hand.

"Brace yourself, mate," Spike said to his friend. "It's going to be a long night."

TEN

Buffy entered the Bronze, looking around for her friends as she shrugged out of her coat. She unconsciously smoothed the silk of her red halter and straightened her short black leather skirt. The halter was basically backless, the thin straps crisscrossing from her shoulders to just below her breasts. Her hair, grown longer

now, was swept up in a loose roll, two curling strands resting tantalizingly on either side of her throat. Convincing herself it had been a long time since she'd dressed up, Buffy had taken care with her appearance before going on a quick patrol. Luckily, she hadn't run across anything needing killing, so she was muss-free. She refused to listen to the teasing voice at the back of her mind jibing her about wearing Spike's favorite color, and about calling attention to her throat.

Buffy spotted Willow and returned her wave, heading to the table. Khai stood when she approached the table, pulling out a stool for her. She caught Spike rolling his eyes, and she flashed a bright smile at Khai in thanks.

"You look very beautiful tonight, Buffy," Khai said warmly, eyeing her appreciatively.

"Thank you Khai," Buffy said as she turned to wave at Dawn, Anya and Xander on the dance floor.

"She patrols in that?" Khai whispered to Spike, who grunted in response. "Lucky vampires," Khai whispered under his breath. "Ow," he said when Spike kicked him under the table.

"Watch it mate," Spike growled at his brother. Khai smiled innocently in response.

"So how was the mall?" Buffy asked Khai smiling at the thought of the cover story Willow and Dawn had come up with.

"I have discovered I can carry six large bags and four small bags in each hand," Khai responded. Buffy and Willow laughed.

"How about you, Spike? How did you fare?" Buffy asked. Willow and Khai burst out laughing, Spike glowering at them.

"Are you telling her about Spike?" Dawn giggled breathlessly as the three dancers returned to the table.

"Oh, I've gotta hear this," Xander said as he watched the three laughing hysterically. "Let's hear it fang boy."

Spike just continued to glare as the three finally gained control of themselves.

"Oh … okay," Dawn started, wiping tears from her eyes. "So, Khai and Willow were looking at crystals, and I took Spike into Selina's. While we were walking by the lingerie department, a clerk carrying way too many boxes, tripped on the carpet while she was walking toward Spike. The next thing you know, she stumbles into him, knocks him down, and the boxes go flying. When I turn around at the sound …"

"Which is right when Khai and I got there," Willow continued.

"…there's Spike, knocked on his butt, our bags everywhere, and he's covered with what was in the boxes." Dawn started laughing again, holding her stomach.

"Which was?" Buffy asked, smiling despite herself.

"BRAS AND UNDERWEAR," Willow and Dawn shouted out, in unison, and dissolved into laughter as Khai joined them.

"You're kidding," Xander said, starting to chuckle.

"I'm so not," Dawn laughed. "He was covered from head to toe with satin bras and underwear!"

"But the best part was the DD Hawaiian-print bra that landed on his head!" Willow got out between giggles.

"He looked like one of those cartoon characters after they get hit on the head - two big Hawaiian lumps!" Dawn finished as the entire table, sans one, erupted in laughter.

Buffy stole a glance at Spike after starting to gain control of herself, wondering how angry he was. She was surprised to see a smile on his face as he watched everyone laughing. 'He looks so sweet' she thought as she felt tears stinging her eyes. 'I must be PMSing' she thought and mentally shook off the mushy thoughts.

Eventually everyone quieted down.

"I can relate, Spike," Xander said, putting his hand on Spike's shoulder. "I too know the humiliation of being caught with a bra on!"

Silence met his statement, and once again everyone burst out laughing. Even Spike started chuckling.

"What?" Xander asked. "You remember," he said to Buffy. "Those frat boys made me dress up like a girl and dance when I crashed their party looking for you."

"Xander," Buffy gasped. "I think you'd better stop while you're ahead. Or at least so you don't get any further behind."

"Gotcha. Shutting up now," Xander said as he smiled good-naturedly.

"Ohhhhh," Dawn said when they had all recovered for the second time. "I love this song! Spike, come dance with me," she said, pulling him off his stool without waiting for a reply.

"Shall we? " Khai bowed to Willow.

"We shall," Willow bowed back and took the arm he offered her, making their way to the dance floor behind Xander and Anya.

Buffy watched her friends dance, a small smile on her face. She couldn't remember the last time they had laughed this much together. It felt good.

"Can I get you anything?" the waitress asked. Before Buffy could answer, a man stumbled up to the table. "How about a blow job?" he slurred crudely in a loud voice. "Oh, wait a minute, that would be for me! So how 'bout it honey - I come with cream," he laughed, grabbing his crotch and leering at her.

Before she could respond, the man's head slammed into the table in front of her, his arms pinned behind his back by Spike.

"You bloody pig," Spike gritted out through clenched teeth. "You should be rolling around in your own swill like usual, instead of disrespecting a lady like this."

A group of four guys, obviously friends of the man Spike had pinned, approached the table, but stopped when Khai growled menacingly at them. Xander stood next to him, arms crossed over his chest, daring them with his eyes.

"Now," Spike continued, knowing Khai and Xander had things under control. "You're going to apologize to the lady, and then you're going to take your stinking arse home and sleep it off," he finished, letting the man up.

"I'm sorry," he blurted to Buffy, and made his escape, his friends quickly following behind him.

"You all right, luv?" Spike asked Buffy caringly.

"Ya," she said softly. "Thanks."

"Anytime pet," he smiled, and went back to join Dawn on the dance floor.

Buffy saw the waitress eyeing Spike appreciatively.

"I'll have a dirty Stoli martini, straight up, two olives. And keep them coming," Buffy said.

"You got it honey," she said, winking at her as she walked away.

'Is it that obvious to everyone?' Buffy wondered silently to herself.

"Whew," Willow said as she took her seat next to Buffy. "Wow does he know how to move. I mean - wow!" she repeated, fanning herself with a drink menu.

"He is graceful," Buffy said, telling Willow about his moves when she met him.

"That's so - sexy!" Willow said, and blushed at the surprise on Buffy's face.

"Willow, do you - like - Khai?" Buffy asked.

"I think … I think I might Buffy." Willow said honestly. "I know it's weird - hi - happening to me - the gay one! I don't know, there's something about him. When I'm around him I feel - tingly. I mean, when I found Tara, I knew it was right. It felt right. But I really loved Oz too, when we were together. That never felt wrong, it was just different from what I had with Tara. Before she died, I never thought about being with someone else, let alone whether that person would be male or female. I just thought we'd always be together," she finished softly.

"You will, " Buffy said, covering her hand with her own. "Just not in the way you thought you would. Besides, I think Tara would have adored Khai. Who knows, maybe she helped to bring him here."

"You think so?" Willow asked, a smile appearing at the thought of Tara still working her magic. "I guess stranger things have happened, ha?"

"You bet they have," Buffy agreed as her drink arrived at the same time everyone returned to the table. Khai handed Willow the drink he had gotten her at the bar, missing Buffy wriggling her eyebrows at Willow. The witch blushed, thanking Khai as her fingers brushed his hand. Khai's eyes lit up as he sat down.

Buffy wasn't the only one noticing the silent exchange between the witch and the demon. Spike had been watching them all day, feeling the electricity between them. He couldn't have chosen better for Khai himself. He's always liked Willow, had feared for her when he saw her lust for magic becoming stronger. He hoped things worked out for them. Spike glanced over at Buffy, engaged in an animated discussion with Anya, sipping her martini with ladylike grace. God, she was beautiful. If he had a heart it would have stopped when he'd seen her first approach the table. He couldn't hope she had chosen that color for him, but it suited her to perfection. He watched as the curled strands of hair bounced on her neck with every nod of her head. She glanced at him as he felt the bulge in his jeans growing. He ripped his eyes away from her and pretended to watch the dancers.

Buffy felt Spike's eyes on her and snuck a glance in his direction. She was jolted by the raw hunger in his eyes before he turned his gaze to the dance floor. She felt the heat course through her body in response to what she'd seen in his eyes. God this was hard, she acknowledged to herself. She'd thought maybe the attraction would have faded during his absence, but she had known the moment she'd seen him it hadn't faded for her. Now she knew it hadn't for him either. That had never been their problem, she thought wryly. She gave her full attention back to Anya as the waitress arrived with another martini.

ELEVEN

The night progressed quickly, filled with laughter and good-natured fun. Buffy looked in surprise at Spike and Xander chuckling together, Xander regaling him and Dawn with tales of high school Buffy.

Willow, Anya and Khai were deep in conversation about magics in different demon realms. Buffy felt the mellow buzz of the martini's and stretched languidly. It had been a great night. She heard the band announce this was their last number as they launched into a cover of 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Buffy recognized the song immediately, and without thinking she walked over to Spike, holding out her hand.

"Dance with me, Spike?" she asked, looking into his eyes. Spike took her hand and led her to the dance floor. He turned, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close, her head resting perfectly on his shoulder. They danced without speaking, holding each other close. Buffy had liked this song before she died, but now the lyrics seemed written for her - for her, for Spike, for their situation. She knew he felt it too, both trying to pull each other closer each time a lyric hit home 'I'd give up forever to touch you … I know that you'd feel me somehow … you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be …and I don't wanna go home right now …when everything feels like the movies…. Ya, you bleed just to know you're alive … I don't
want the world to see me … I just don't think that they'd understand … when everything's made to be broken … I just want you to know who I am.'

They held each other until the final strains stopped echoing through the speakers. Buffy knew she didn't want to let go.

"You do, you know," she heard Spike whisper, his lips against her hair.

"What?" she asked softly.

"Look very beautiful tonight," he said, echoing Khai's words from earlier as he kissed the top of her head. "Goodnight Buffy," he said, pulling away from her arms. He walked back to the table, said goodnight to everyone, and walked out the door, Khai following closely behind him. Buffy crossed her arms over her chest as she watched him leave, feeling suddenly very alone. She made her way back to the table and silently began putting on her coat. She followed her friends out the door, listening to their banter, wishing the song could have continued all night.

Spike and Khai worked their way silently back to the crypt. Everyone at the table had watched Spike and Buffy dance together, the lyrics not lost on anyone. Xander had pulled Anya closer, kissing her cheek. Dawn had hugged Khai's arm and grabbed Willow's hand at the same time. Even the other customers couldn't keep their eyes off of the blond couple on the dance floor. Khai was certain the two hadn't noticed the rest of the dancers clear the floor, leaving the two to their emotions.

Spike smoked his cigarette like it was a lifeline, inhaling more deeply with every puff.

"I don't know if I can do this Khai," Spike said, his voice filled with emotion. "I don't know if I should have come back here."

"Could you have lived with yourself if you had not?" Khai asked.

Spike sighed loudly. "I guess not," he said, accepting his friend's meaning without argument. "I don't think I'm ready."

"You need not act until you are," Khai said reassuringly.

They continued their journey in silence.

A knock on her bedroom door interrupted Buffy's thoughts. "Come in," she said.

'Hey," Willow said as she entered the room, closing the door behind her. "I brought reinforcements," she said as she pulled a pint of chocolate nut ice cream out of one pocket of her robe, and two spoons out of the other.

"You're the best Will," Buffy smiled as she made room on the bed for Willow to sit. They both dove into the ice cream with their spoons, savoring the sinful taste on their tongues.

"You okay?" Willow asked gently.

"That seems to be the question of the week, ha?" Buffy asked. Willow flashed a small smile in response.

"I don't know what to do, Willow. I want him, but I know I can't be with him, and because I can't be with him, it's not fair to want him, you know? Am I making any sense?"

"I understand what you're saying, Buffy. I guess what I don't understand is why you can't be with him. I mean it's obvious you l…, er, have strong feelings for him," she continued, seeing the look of horror on Buffy's face at her near choice of words. "I mean, the way he made that guy apologize to you. It was so - romantic!"

Buffy rolled her eyes in response.

"Oh come on Buffy," Willow exclaimed. "What Spike did was totally hot and you know it!"

"Maybe," Buffy admitted. "But that doesn't change anything. You know why I can't be with him, Willow. He's a VAMPIRE - NO SOUL - EVIL!!!" she cried in exasperation. "If he got that chip out I know I'd have to kill … Ohmigod!" Buffy exclaimed, her eyes widening. "Willow, if he still has the chip, how was he able to hurt that drunk?" Buffy almost whispered.

Willow's eyes widened in as she realized Buffy's point. "I never even thought of that!"

Buffy just stared at her friend, fear almost overpowering her.

TWELVE

"Buffy," Willow said, knowing where her friend's thoughts were leading. "You don't know anything for sure yet, you can't just jump to conclusions," Willow pleaded desperately as Buffy jumped out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats.

"I can't?" Buffy almost spit at her. "This is Spike, Willow! Master Vampire - the Big Bad Himself! Remember who I'm talking about? Do you really think he'll be tame without that chip?" Buffy continued as she grabbed stakes out of her weapons chest.

"Buffy, please," Willow continued to plead. "Stop and think about this. Do you really think Spike is the same vampire he always was? Do you really not believe he's different?"

"I can't afford to believe he's different, Will," Buffy said with resignation. "Someone could lose their life if I believe the wrong thing."

"Buffy," Willow tried again. "What about Khai? He could never stand by and watch Spike harm a human."

"Willow," Buffy said, looking her friend in the eye. "The only thing we know about the kind of demon Khai is we learned from Spike. I'm sorry, but I just can't take that chance," she said, striding through the door. Willow jumped up and ran after her.

"Sorry about the couch, mate," Spike said again. "We'll start looking for a proper place, with two bedrooms," he continued as he made up the couch.

"You know it doesn't bother me Spike," Khai said. "We've both slept in worse condi …" Khai was interrupted as the door to the crypt crashed against the wall. He saw Buffy enter, Willow right behind her in a bathrobe, when suddenly Buffy launched herself at Spike, tackling him and pressing a stake against his chest in one move.

"So the chip stopped working, ha Spikey?" Buffy said menacingly. 'Hoping I wouldn't find out for a while? How many have you killed, ha? How many lives did I let be taken because I thought you couldn't hurt anyone? Answer me you son of a bitch, or I'll stake you right now!" Buffy said, raising the stake as though to strike.

Suddenly, she was blindsided. Her body sailed through the air, hitting the wall with a loud thump. Buffy looked up in surprise as she slid to the floor.

Khai stood protectively in front of Spike, full game face showing, glaring at Buffy. "You touch him like that again, and you die Slayer!" he growled.

"Fine," Buffy said, regaining her feet. "Two for the price of one!" she spat out between clenched teeth, her body moving into a fighting stance.

"Stop it! Please!" Willow railed. "Spike, please tell her about the chip. She knows it can't be working because you were able to hurt that guy tonight. Tell her what's going on, please," the witch cried.

"It's okay, Willow," Spike said to her. "I'll explain. Khai," Spike addressed his brother. "It's alright, let me talk to her." Khai's human face emerged, and he nodded at Spike, still watching Buffy warily.

"I'll explain about the chip if you put the stake down," Spike said to Buffy. "We both know you have ten more where that came from. Just put this one down and listen to me," he said, looking her in the eyes. Buffy slowly lowered the stake and stood glaring at Spike, arms crossed over her chest.

"Right then," Spike began, lighting a cigarette. "You're right. The chip is no more. I can hurt any human I choose to. Contrary to your unwavering faith in me, that bloke tonight was the first I've hurt in any way physically. I know I don't have the same track record emotionally," Spike said forcefully, looking her in the eye.

"How?" Buffy bit out.

"It's a long story, pet. Suffice it to say, I have no intention of hurting any human, except for instances like tonight. Wanker deserved it. 'Sides, brother dear wouldn't stand for it. So, if you don't want to believe me, you should at least believe that. You know by the feel of him that he doesn't hurt humans - well, except for Slayers threatening to murder his brother," Spike finished, puffing on his cigarette.

Buffy's eyes narrowed. Twice Spike had referred to Khai as his brother. But Khai wasn't your average vampire …

"What's going on?" she asked, looking from Khai to Spike.

The two brothers looked at each other, Khai indicating mentally that it was up to Spike.

"Does it have to do with the scars?" Willow asked in a rush.

Silence descended as Buffy processed what Willow had just let slip. She looked at the two demons, trying to decipher the meaning behind their glances, knowing they were communicating without words. Buffy threw down the stake in her hand, the sound of it echoing against the cement. She held her hands out for Khai to see. Seeing his nod, she strode over to Spike and lifted his shirt.

What she saw made the breath leave her body. Silently, she traced the path of one scar with her hand, knowing burns had been the cause. She hadn't spent this much time around vampires without recognizing a burn when she saw one. Tears began to run down her cheeks when she realized how much he must have suffered to have so many deep scars.

Spike winced when she touched him, not from pain, but out of embarrassment. He hadn't wanted her to see this, hadn't wanted her to shed tears for him. These were nothing in comparison to what he gained.

Willow walked over and stood next to Khai. Silently, she took his hand and squeezed it.

"What happened to you?" Buffy whispered to Spike, not able to tear her eyes away from the trail of scars that covered his front and back.

"Buffy please," Spike entreated. "Please don't," he said, wiping a tear away with his thumb and cupping her chin. "I chose this, and I don't regret any of it," he smiled into her eyes.

"Why?" she asked simply, looking up at him.

"Because I needed to stop hating myself," he said honestly.

"You sure picked a funny way of doing that," she whispered lightly, looking pointedly at his scars.

Spike chuckled in appreciation of her point. "I promise, I'll explain everything tomorrow. Call a Scooby meeting. I only want to explain this once."

Buffy nodded, reaching up to stroke his cheek, her eyes filled with sorrow. Before he knew what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed the scar her hand had traced earlier.

"I'll see you tomorrow," she said, and walked away. Buffy stopped in front of Khai, looking him in the eye.

"I'm sorry," she said simply.

"Apology accepted - sincerely," Khai said, smiling at her. He walked the two women out, watching until they disappeared from sight. He'd heard his brother begin weeping quietly inside, and had decided to give him his privacy. Tomorrow would be difficult for him - just one more hurdle on his newly chosen path. Still, it didn't make things any easier.

THIRTEEN

The Scoobies sat around the table in the Magic Box, waiting for Spike and Khai to arrive. Willow had filled everyone in on what had happened the night before. All were silent, each wondering what could have prompted Spike to go through such torture. Anya and Xander could tell by the looks on the others' faces that the scars were worse than could be described. Anya had a good idea of what had happened. She had run across a couple Thangh Doh in her day, always making sure to avoid them like a plague. Of all demons, the Thangh Doh had a mysticism about them that frightened most other beings. She had heard whispered conversations about their ways. When she found out Khai was a member of the clan, she pretty much knew where Spike had been, and what he'd been doing. Still, knowing what she did, she was in awe of Spike, only having some idea of what he would have had to withstand. She was anxious to hear his story.

The remaining Scoobies waited restlessly, Buffy finally giving up fidgeting in her chair to begin pacing back and forth across the shop floor. They all looked up when the bell above the door chimed. Jaws dropped in shock as they saw Giles walk through the door.

"I take it Spike didn't tell you I was coming," Giles said, reading the surprise on their faces. Buffy was the first to recover, running to Giles and giving him a big hug. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered into his shoulder. He hugged her back fiercely.

"Are you going to introduce me, Rupert, or am I just supposed to carry the bags?" they heard a woman's voice ask. Giles turned to respond to the woman standing in the doorway. " S … Sorry, got a bit caught up," he said apologetically, grabbing the suitcases she was carrying. The Scoobies gawked at the woman who strode into the shop. She was at least six feet tall, weighing somewhere between 250 and 300 pounds. Her hair was long and wavy, the color of leaves in autumn. Willow stood as the woman approached the table, not exactly sure why she felt the need to stand.

"Everyone, especially you, Willow," Giles said. "I would like you to meet Magistra."

Willow gasped in joy and immediately through her arms around the woman.

"Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - Willow!" Magistra howled, picking Willow up and spinning her around. "You're absolutely beautiful!"

"So are you," Willow said sincerely, glowing at her mentor as she was set back on her feet.

"Why, thank you," Magistra said, sweeping into a deep, theatrical bow. "You are so right!" she said chuckling warmly.

Without realizing it, everyone in the room instantly adored this woman, and agreed with Willow's assessment of her beauty. It wasn't her physical beauty, though her face was very pretty, big eyes and a wide smile. It was more about her essence. Everything about her was bright, her very presence inspired joy. Each hugged her in turn as introductions were made, no one feeling awkward at hugging someone they'd just met.

"Slayer," she said when she hugged Buffy. "It is truly an honor to meet such a legend," Buffy blushed in pleasure at her praise.

"Alrighty then - gosh it's great to meet all of you! I take it my brothers aren't here?" she asked.

She looked around at the shocked faces surrounding her. "Ah," she said. "Haven't quite gotten to that point I take it."

"Magistra," Willow said, respect evident in her tone. "Could you explain some things?"

"You know Willow, I could," the woman said. "But I'm not going to. Though I love being the center of attention, this isn't my show - it's Spike's -and believe me, he's earned it."

"Yes, … quite," Giles agreed with her.

"You mean," Buffy started. "You know what Spike's going to tell us? You know about everything that happened to him?" she asked, glaring at her Watcher.

"Yes," Giles said honestly. "I'm sorry, Buffy, but it wasn't my place to tell you what Spike had told me in confidence. He contacted me shortly after leaving Sunnydale, not realizing of course that I was here. He left a message explaining where he was, and the choice he made. He wanted me to know in case things had turned out differently. We've been in contact ever since."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Buffy asked, pain and betrayal in her voice.

"Because you never asked," Giles said gently. "Spike asked me not to volunteer any information to you, but if you asked I was supposed to be completely honest with you. You just never thought to ask me if I knew where Spike was."

"But," Buffy said. "You knew how I felt when he left. You knew how concerned I was. How could you not tell me?"

"In all truthfulness, Buffy," Giles said. "Telling you at that time would only have made things worse. I was glad you didn't ask about Spike, because then I didn't have to tell you what was going on. It's far better that you hear it now, when there's no longer a need to worry."

"Do you mean, - you worried about Spike?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Yes," Giles said sincerely. "I worried about him a great deal."

The group fell into silence, pondering what they had just learned from Giles.

The bell once again interrupted their thoughts, this time signaling the arrival of Spike and Khai.

"Sorry about the delay," Spike said upon entering. "Rupert," he said, giving the Watcher a hug that was just as strongly returned. "It's good to see you."

"And you, Spike," Giles said affectionately. "Khai," he greeted the other demon in the same tone. "It's good to see you again," as he and the demon hugged.

"Kay, HI!!! What am I, chopped liver?" Magistra asked loudly, calling the attention of the two demons to her.

"Sorry luv," Spike said. "You just blend so easily …" he said, smiling evilly at the Master Witch.

"You say that again and I'll cut your balls off, Spike," the witch said sweetly. "Imagine - me blending - how rude can you get?" she asked, approaching him menacingly. Suddenly she squealed as Spike picked her up, twirling her around until everyone watching was dizzy. "Dammit little brother, big girls aren't supposed to GO on rides, they ARE the rides," she laughed infectiously as Spike put her down. "What?" she asked the group, who were looking at them in surprise. "He can throw grown men fifty feet, but he can't pick up a fat chick? Damn!" she said, looking at Spike. "Tough audience," she commiserated.

"Don't worry too much Mags," Spike said, noticing her wince at his nickname for her. "I actually think you're the first 'fat chick' they've met."

"Get out," Magistra said in wonder, a broad smile on her face. "Is that true Willow?" she asked.

Willow cleared her throat. "Well, kinda. I mean, Buffy was the first Slayer we met, and Giles was the first Watcher we met … ooh - and Oz was the first werewolf we met. I mean, it is California," she finished lamely.

"Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! How fun! I'm going to be their definition of fat people! How much does that rock? Hedonism at it's best - wooo hooo!!!" Magistra laughed.

"I hate to interrupt, but did you forget you have more than one brother?" Khai asked, capturing his sister's attention.

"Never, brother," she said, engulfing him in a hug. "You are my heart," she said simply, kissing him lightly on the mouth.

"And you mine," Khai said, returning her affection.

"'Kay, now that the happies are out of the way, could we get to it?" Xander blurted.

"Of course," Spike said, gesturing for everyone to take their seats. He sat down at the head of the table.

FOURTEEN

"I want to thank all of you for being so patient," Spike began. "I'm sure you know by now what happened last night, and why we're all here. Let me start out by saying I was intending to tell you everything, but I thought having Giles and Mags here might help in understanding it. It just so happened that today was the day I was planning to talk to you, given the fact Giles left a message last night that he and Maggie would be arriving today. When I explain things, I'll be explaining them from my point of view. I won't be trying to hurt anyone, but I have to tell it from my perspective" He looked each person in the eye before he continued.

"Anyway … you remember what happened before I left, but you may not know all of it. When Buffy came back, it felt like my heart started beating again, but that didn't last. Watching her struggle with being alive again, knowing she wished she wasn't, was like feeling a stake being plunging into my heart over and over. I tried everything I could think of to get her to live again. I listened to her, I fought with her, I let her beat me to a bloody pulp, and I made love to her. After all of this, she came to me, and said that being with me was killing her. When she said that to me, I felt like I'd died again. Especially when I realized she was right. I knew she would never allow herself to feel for a creature like me. She loved Angel because he had a soul. But I didn't - and I didn't want one. I didn't want to live out the rest of my unlife regretting the things I'd done, torturing myself with guilt. I was EVIL! The Big Bad! Except that I wasn't." He looked at the surprise on most of the faces around him.

"I left because I hated myself. I hated what I had become, I hated that I had no identity aside from being the Slayer's lap dog. The chip kept me from hurting humans directly, but it didn't change my nature. That changed because of all of you," he said, the surprise on their faces quickly approaching shock.

"Of course, at the time, I didn't realize this. I was just tired of not having a place where I fit. I couldn't be a bad guy, because of the chip, and I couldn't be a good guy because of it either. So I heard about this bloke in Africa, and off I went to get the bloody thing out. 'Course, shoulda known it wouldn't be that easy - this is me afterall, " Spike said, a wry smile on his face.

"So, when I tell him why I'm there, he says no it's not. 'Says I was destined to seek him out, but it was my choice whether to accept his offer. I had come to the seat of the Thangh Doh - and let me tell you I was a little freaked when he told me that. Vampires like me are despised by the Thangh Doh - they are disgusted by us. They consider us to be beneath them in every way, hating our joy in taking innocent life. To find myself in their midst was unnerving, to say the least. Anyway, Master Zo said that if I accepted his offer, I would find what I was looking for. I would know my place, I would know my identity, and I would be able to take pride in myself again. He also said that the only way to achieve these things was to undergo a month of trials that would require every ounce of strength I possessed, both physically and mentally, and even then there were no guarantees I would survive. When he had finished, I accepted," Spike paused.

"But, why?" Xander asked. "I mean, I get the identity crisis thing, but why agree to go to such extremes? Why not just find someone else to take the chip out? Why agree to be tortured?" The others nodded in agreement with his question.

"Because when Master Zo was talking, some truths started hitting me. The Thangh Doh are powerful beings, they each possess mystical qualities. You and Dawn saw a bit of that when tumbler boy unleashed his smile at you," Spike commented to Buffy, indicating Khai with his thumb.

"Master Zo's power stems from his devotion to Truth. You literally can't lie in his presence, not even to yourself. That was how he knew what I was seeking, he looked in my mind and saw the truth. I began to realize that I had been lying to myself for while about my nature. Even though I kept telling all of you I was evil, my heart wasn't in it. As you know, a fledgling is taught how to kill by his sire, or in my case, by my grandsire, since Dru was too bloody nuts to teach anyone anything. You aren't just taught to kill, you're taught how to be a vampire. With that lot teaching me, you can't exactly blame me for getting off on being evil. My point is, I never stopped to question whether I wanted to be evil - I just assumed vampire equals evil. I never would have questioned it either, if it hadn't been for that bloody chip. I would have gone on merrily munching my happy meals with legs. The chip stopped all of that. Then I hooked up with you lot, and started fighting with the good guys. Rupert was actually the first person to suggest I had a choice in being evil or not," Spike said looking at the Watcher. Eyes widened in surprise as they turned to stare at him

"Yes, quite," Giles said, clearing his throat. "After my, ah, stint, as a Fyarl demon, I stopped by Spike's crypt to pay him the for helping me, and asked if he had ever thought his being chipped could have a greater purpose."

"And I just blew the question off, and kept counting the cash," Spike finished. "Thought about it later though, more and more as time went on. Anyway, battling beside you, being needed, fighting the good fight - it all started to have an effect. When I realized I was in love with Buffy, I hated it - hated her, in a way. Told her I didn't want her there, in my mind, in my heart, but she wouldn't leave. It all went downhill from there. I knew what it meant that I told her I was in love with her, as I explained to you the other day. I was hers, until such time I knew I wasn't of use to her anymore. That's why I didn't mind being Glory's punching bag, or care about looking like a bloody fool to all of you. I knew what I felt. When I sat with Master Zo, I realized I hadn't been evil in a long time. Not just that, I realized I didn't want to be anymore.

By admitting that to myself, I also had to admit I didn't have a clue what I was anymore. I couldn't be the vampire of old if I couldn't be evil. What would be the point? Master Zo offered me everything I was looking for, and if I had to die trying to get it, so be it. Anything would be better than not knowing myself. You see, it was never about the chip after all. That's why I agreed to the trials - I wanted ME back."

Spike took a deep, unneeded breath, and began speaking in a low voice. Everyone leaned forward instinctively, not wanting to miss a word. The only sound in the shop came from the ticking clock next to the register.

"The trials began the next day. Their purpose was to strip away every aspect of the demon I had been, in order to be reborn to the demon I would become. To do this, I had to face the darkest aspects of my nature,
including my fears and doubts. The tortures were taken out of my own mind. I found myself in the midst of my own nightmares. The choice of physical torture is obvious, if you think about it. A stake, or being beheaded is too easy, you know you're dust. But fire, that's completely different - fire and holy water. Burning alive…" Spike whispered, lost in his thoughts, untold pain filling his eyes as he remembered. He mentally shook himself and continued. Horror showed on the faces of those listening to his account.

"I alternated between standing in flames, and standing up to my chest in a pool of holy water. Because the trials were a choice, there was nothing forcing me to remain there. I wasn't tied up, or weighed down with chains. I chose to stand in my torture. If I withdrew for any reason, the trials would end. The mental trials occurred in conjunction with the physical ones. I'm not going to get into those - they're personal. Suffice it to say that compared to those, the physical tortures were like a walk in the cemetery. The trials went on for thirty days, though I couldn't have told you that then. I had no concept of time, there was no break in between. One trial ended and another began, until finally, they were over. Then, I collapsed," Spike finished. "I'm gonna grab a smoke. Khai can fill you in on what happened next," he said as he walked out the door. Buffy noticed a slight tremble in his hand when he was reaching for his cigarettes.

The group heaved a collective breath when the door closed behind him. Khai waited for them to adjust, then filled them in on how he had entered the picture, the state Spike was in when he arrived, his recovery, and finally the Krashnuk. Spike walked back in as he was finishing.

"So," Dawn said. "Does that mean you're like Khai now?" she asked.

"In a way, Niblet," Spike replied. "I am a member of the Thangh Doh clan, but I'm not exactly like Khai," he said, smiling at his brother.

"Then, what are you?" Buffy asked, not realizing the sharpness in her voice. Spike winced. Anger flashed in Khai's eyes at her tone.

"He is a Guardian of the Light, Buffy," Giles replied quietly, shock breaking out on the faces of the Scoobies. "He is of the highest order of the Thangh Doh. In their clan, only one who truly knows the Dark can fully protect the Light. The last Guardian to emerge was over a thousand years ago - the Master Zo Spike referred to." Even Spike looked at him in surprise at this last comment. His brother nodded at his questioning glance.

"Well I'll be," Spike muttered.

Buffy was in shock. She stared down at her hands resting on the table, not able to think.

"So, why the ceremony with Khai?" Xander asked. "I mean, what's the purpose?"

"Khai is my balance. He's been Thangh Doh since birth, so he's never known the Dark. Because I have, there's always the chance I could succumb to it again. He's here to help me stay on my path," Spike explained.

"So, what does he get out of it?" Anya inquired bluntly.

Khai smiled broadly at her. "Spike is teaching me the ways of the Dark," he replied.

"What?" the Scoobies cried in unison.

"Nice one, mate," Spike chuckled. "As I said, Khai has never known the Dark, but he is destined to become a Protector. In order to achieve this, he needs to become aware of the ways of the Dark. I am teaching him about those ways. I take it the last Protector to emerge was Master Thom?" Spike asked Khai and Giles, who both nodded in response.

"So, you're like each other's Watcher," Willow observed, flashing a smile at Giles.

"Never thought about it like that, luv, but yeah, I guess so," Spike agreed. "But there's no way in Bloody Hell I'm ever wearing tweed again, mate!" Spike said forcefully. Laughter broke out at the table.

"Do you have a soul?" Buffy asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Spike closed his eyes at her question, the smile on his face quickly dying as he clenched his fingers tightly.

"No," he said, opening his eyes and looking directly at her.

"Then how are you really different from when you had the chip?" Buffy asked.

"In some ways I'm not," Spike said quietly, his face reflecting a shuttered look. "But in some ways I am. I guess you'll just have to wait and see. Now, if you all will excuse me, I'm a bit knackered. Think I'll nip home and catch a nap. I'll see you later," Spike said, walking through the door, his shoulders hunched in defeat.

"Buffy what is wrong with you?" Dawn cried. "How could you ask him that?"

"I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I'm trying to wrap my brain around this and it's not working. I don't know what to think, what to believe," she said honestly.

"Perhaps you could try believing in him," Khai said to her pointedly as he stood up. He looked her in the eye, saying nothing, his expression inscrutable, then turned and walked away. Magistra followed him, her face a blank mask.

"Perhaps we should call it a night," Giles said. "I think we could all do with some, ahem, time. Agreed?" he asked, everyone nodding in agreement. Buffy stood and slowly walked out, not saying anything as she left. The remaining Scoobies followed close behind her, Willow smiling a good-bye at Khai, Magistra and Giles.

"She's a tough nut to crack, your Slayer Rupert," Magistra said, breaking the silence.

"Yes, I know," he agreed.

"Are you alright, brother?" Magistra asked. "I thought for a second you were going to take her out."

"So did I," Khai smiled at her. "Just kidding. It is hard to stand by and do nothing. I wonder if she realizes how deeply she wounds him with such words?"

"I get the feeling they're used to wounding each other," The witch said. "Don't worry, everything will be as it should be … eventually," she sighed.

Part 2