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Summary: Takes place after the Angel episode, Shells. Buffy stops by Wolfram and Hart. This was written before the series's finale, Not Fade Away, so it doesn't incorporate anything from the last few episodes.
Spike stiffened. He felt a presence enter the room and he immediately knew who it was. He would never forget the tingle that flows through his body like electricity. He'd recognize it even in a darkened room. It was not just because of his vampire senses, but because she was the only one who could do that to him, make him feel that way. Other women might arouse him, but only she had the power to fill him with a desire that no woman on earth or beyond could.

"And just when were you going to get around to telling me that you were alive?" She said in that pouty angry way that was unique to her. He could imagine her standing there with her arms crossed.

"I knew the little weasel couldn't keep a secret." Spike said as he turned around to face her.

"It wasn't hard to see that he was hiding something. It was just a matter of how to wrench it out of him."

"Wouldn't do well under torture, would he?"

"Going to answer my question sometime this century or what?" Buffy insisted.Spike looked away from her embarrassed and ashamed."It had better not be 'I did it for your own good' because I will so kick your ass if you tell me that."

Spike turned back to face her.

"You know I've never done anything for your own good, luv." He grinned shakily. "It's a lot more selfish than that."

"Then what?" Buffy said, her impatience growing.

"I didn't want to taint your memory of me. I wanted you to remember me as a hero, not a bad penny that kept coming back."

"What?" Buffy asked, softening her tone when she saw how visibly pained Spike seemed to be, but she was also confused.

"I should've stayed dead, well, really dead, I mean. I died a hero in your eyes and even though I knew you were just being kind like you always are, I heard the words I had wanted to hear and that was enough. I was ready to go to hell, but then that bloody amulet of Angel's brought me back, of sorts." Spike said then bowed his head, "Even though I wanted to see you, was bound and determined to hitch the next boat to Europe when I became corporeal, I stopped and gave it some more thought. What right did I have to come back into your life? You had moved on from what Andrew had told me. You were building that new world you created, gathering slayers, training them. I was busting with pride when he told me that. You were happy. You had a life to live and suddenly, all I wanted was to let you live it. To be honest, in the end, I was being a coward. I couldn't bear to see you, knowing that you didn't mean those words. I wanted to hold on to the fantasy. I wanted my last memory to be of you telling me that you loved -"

Spike stopped and sat down in one of the conference room chairs in Wolfram and Hart, suddenly feeling exhausted.

Buffy listened sympathetically, but her face became determined again.

"Now, you see, that's what I mean," she said.

"What?" Spike asked, now it was his turn to be confused.

"Just like the 'I did it for your own good" thing, what gives you the right to think you knew what I was feeling then?" Buffy said, her voice cracking with emotion, her resolve and anger retreating.

"Guess I'm a little slow on the uptake, luv. I don't understand what you're trying to say." Spike said, sensing her emotion. "Aren't you happy with the new world order you've created?"

"Sure, I am. It's been nice to train the new slayers and it's been way nice not to have to be what Faith called the 'one and only chosen one' anymore. Now, I get to slay when I'm in the mood or only when I have to. I guess it's as close to the normal life I've always wanted…" Buffy trailed off.

"There's a 'but' in that sentence somewhere." Spike filled in.

"Yeh, but…it's not all good and it's a lot lonely…" Buffy stopped, knowing she was getting off track. "Getting back to how you think you know what I was feeling then, you don't, you know. "

"Okay, back to confused," Spike said.

"Back at the Hellmouth, why would I lie about telling you that I loved you?"

"I was dyin', pet. You've always known how much I wanted to hear those words from you and you wanted me to die happy, but I know…I've always known, you'll never love me and you'll always love Angel. I was just a stubborn git. He's the one you're meant to be with. I'm man enough to accept it now. I may be love's bitch, but I think it's time I realized that no amount of changing on my part will stop you from loving Angel. Nor should it, really. Doesn't mean I'll ever like Angel or think he's good enough for you, but I'm not either, besides, don't matter what I think or feel anyway. It only matters how you feel."

Buffy was moved by Spike's noble acceptance. It had seemed like years since she had seen him and she had masked the grief that she had still felt at losing him until Andrew told her he was alive. The joy that filled her heart after hearing that surprised her. She hadn't realized how much she had missed him until then. She walked over and sat next to him. She then took his hands into hers and he instinctively began to stroke them with his thumbs, like he always used to do.

"I've missed you, you know?" Buffy asked softly.

"I've missed you too. Don't really have to tell you that or how much."

"I grieved for you so much. I cried for you...so much" Buffy emphasized.

"Hope not for long, luv. I'm really not worth more than a second thought."

"Why do you say that? You weren't just someone that nobody cared about. I wasn't the only one who grieved for you." Buffy insisted. "Even Xander…"

"Well, I guess that's something." Spike smiled.

"Spike, I…" Buffy stuttered, "There wasn't time to convince you then. I kinda hoped you'd see it in my eyes…romantic not realistic, I know, but you've always managed to see through me, I just thought that you'd know."

Spike stiffened again, feeling a sense of apprehension, "Know what?"

"That I wasn't just saying the words, you know, I love you."

"What?" Spike swallowed hard. "You mean you weren't just -"

"No." Buffy confirmed. "I realized way too late that I really loved you and though I had hoped you'd know it was true when you died, I also hated that I didn't realize it sooner so you'd know for sure. I didn't just grieve for you, but I also grieved for us."

Spike's eyes were rimmed with tears. He then stood up from his chair. Buffy followed his lead and did the same then he embraced her, enveloped her with his body. He then put his cool hands on both sides of her face and kissed her lovingly, longingly. She sighed and returned it with the same love. It was nice to be where they were now. When they parted, he looked into her eyes.

"Buffy, are you sure? A lot of time has passed since -"

"Hey, I thought I was the insecure one? You're not the only one with a patent on loving fully, you know. I'm just not as swift as you when it comes to falling in love, but you should know that when I finally get around to realizing I'm in love, I stay that way, for better and for worse."

"Yes, I do know that…" Spike said searching in her eyes for something less than the love that she professed and finding none, but still feeling unsure.

"What? You have a 'but' in your eyes." Buffy said.

"It's just that now you have a chance at a real life, that normal life you just said you could have. I wanted that for you and I can never give that to you. I can't give you a family, children of your own. I know you want those things. I don't want you to waste your chance on me."

"And how is ending up with Angel going to get me those things exactly? Last I heard he was still a vampire too."

"Because of the prophecy."

"What? Another one? What's this one have to say? I hope it's not about me. I'm done with being Prophecy Girl. Let someone else have all of the fun."

"Angel never told you about the Shanshu Prophecy?"

"No, should he have?"

"Well, I kinda thought he'd be dying to tell you since it's probably about him."

" 'Splainy?"

"In a perverbial nutshell, it says that a vampire with a soul who does enough good deeds will get a chance at being human again."

"And that's about Angel, how? You're a vampire with a soul, why can't it be-"

"It's not."

"So certain, are you? Why not you?"

"Angel's got a head start on me on the good deeds chart and I just don't believe in those things."

"Well, it doesn't mean that it won't be you. I'm an expert on changing prophecies."

"Glad to know you think I'm deserving, but -"

"It doesn't matter anyway. I'm not in love with Angel. Even it was about him, he's no longer a part of my future. You are, unless you're already having second thoughts on the loving me until the end of time thing." Buffy teased.

"Never, luv."

"Good, that's all settled. Now, not that I don't love talking about us, there was another reason that I needed to talk to you."

"I'm always here for you."

"I know. You always are. I could always count on that." Buffy smiled, but then got serious. "But I need to hear something from you because I know you'll always tell me the truth." Buffy paused. "Are you with Wolfram and Hart like Angel is?"

"If by that you mean, did I make a deal with the evil empire? The answer is no, but I am helping Angel, a little reluctantly. Mostly of my own free will, but I am not on Wolfram and Hart's payroll. I'm just fighting the good fight. It's what I want to do. It feels right to do it."

"I'm glad. As much as I care about Angel, I think his decision to join Wolfram and Hart was a majorly bad one."

"Yeh, Andrew said as much and stood up to him, told him they weren't on the same side or some such from what Angel said. There may be hope for the little weasel yet." Spike relished any opportunity for Angel to get knocked down a few pegs.

"He was acting on my orders. I told him to take Dana and to tell Angel that we weren't together in the fight. It hurt me to say that, but I had to."

"Good for you, pet, you did right. I'll get a bitter taste in my mouth for saying this, but I think Angel's intent was good. He wanted to work from the inside out, thought it would make the fighting evil easier, faster even, but this place's too big and the temptations too strong, maybe not for him, but for his mates. I told him that they would get digested in the belly of this particular beast if they weren't careful. And though I love being right where Angel's concerned, one of them is already suffering the consequences of tasting the forbidden fruit. I feel for him, he's a good man but his seduction cost someone's life. Usually is the price for such things. He lost someone he cared about, who they all cared about, even me. Wesley is suffering the most. He loved Fred. I understand his pain, felt it myself when I lost you. Wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. Gunn's faced his own atonement for his part in her death. This place, it's beyond evil, it's where evil takes a holiday."

"More evil than the Hellmouth?"

"Absolutely, luv." Spike paused. " Have you been feeling what's coming? Is that why you're here too?"

Buffy paused, "Yes." She admitted reluctantly.

"I've been feeling it too, so has Angel though he's been a broody block of wood about it, but I know he does. The next battle is coming soon."

Buffy looked into his eyes then buried herself in his embrace. An embrace that had always comforted her, especially when they were facing the First last year. He stroked her back lovingly bringing out an involuntary, but welcome sigh from her. Since she had lost him, no one had been able to comfort her. During the first few weeks after Spike had "died", she was inconsolable and though time had softened the pain, it had never relieved the grief and despite Xander and Giles trying to offer their embraces to her, they never gave her solace. She didn't even seek that relief from Angel. It had never even occurred to her to look for it there. A part of her felt it would be betraying Spike's memory to seek comfort from Angel, but mostly, she didn't want it from him. She somehow knew that Angel could never give her what Spike had and it would cause more pain than reassurance to be with him, sharing a loss that they didn't share. Angel disliked Spike, was jealous of him. Any words to soothe Buffy would have been false and insincere. Spike, even when he was trying to kill her that night when she found out her mother might be ill, had offered a soft pat on her back when he had seen her anguish. He then just sat with her. He comforted her with his presence, without ever using words. It took courage to take that step with her then. He never took advantage of her vulnerability. When her mother died, Willow had told her that he had left flowers without a card. He wasn't seeking credit, just offering comfort yet again. She wished that Xander hadn't chased him off. She thought that his being there would've helped. He would have eased her grief.

"Are you here to recruit for the cause?"

"Sort of. I want to trust Angel, but like you said, the evil here, I can't be sure that even he can resist it." Buffy looked into his eyes and her whole face glowed with the certainty of her love for him and he felt it. " I trust you completely not only with my life, but with the slayers's lives too. I know you won't be seduced. I know the man you are with and without a soul. You'd fight to the death even if your soul was stripped from you, but Angel and Angelus are different. If he loses his soul again, I don't want to have to face killing him again to save the world. Once was enough…"

Spike faced her, stroked her face and gave her a soft kiss.

"Knowing you trust me with the lives of your slayers and that you don't doubt that I would die for all of you gives me more than I could ever tell you. I promise you that you won't regret it. "

Buffy smiled at him, "I will never regret placing my trust and whole heart in your hands. You have never betrayed it."

"As for Angel, I will do my best to help him stay on the path, but I promise that if it comes to killing him, you won't have to be the one. I'll do it for you and for him. I know that deep down Angel doesn't want to be Angelus and would rather die than be the cause of the world coming to an end. He had to decide between saving one life at the cost of thousands, maybe millions of lives. And it killed him to have to sacrifice that one life, but he knew it was the only choice he could make."

"Let's hope it won't come to that. The guys are assembled back in London even Faith. Kinda like old times, maybe too much like old times. Did we ever have a quiet, non-apocalyptic time?"

"Probably not."

"You think this will be the last?"

"I'm a pessimist excepting when it comes to love, sweet." Spike smiled.

Buffy laughed. It seemed forever since the last time she had really felt happy enough to laugh. Spike could always make her laugh, even in exasperation.

She fell into his embrace again.

"Spike, I'm more scared than I was when we were facing the First. Even with all of the slayers, it might not be enough and now that you and I-"

"I know, luv, but no matter what happens, this moment, this time is ours forever. No one and nothing can ever take it away."

"I know. Can you ever forgive me for wasting so much time?"

"There's no time spent with you that's wasted. No matter what happens, we can only control today so we have to make the most of it. As for forgiving, there's nothing to forgive. We came through it all and are here today. I have no regrets."

"I love your capacity to forgive. I envy it."

"Only when it comes to you, pet."

The End