Author’s Note: The third installment in Chained To Fate. The title is from the song The Art of Falling Apart by Soft Cell.

Summary: Buffy is spiraling out of control. Can anyone help her out of her darkness and allow her to find her way back to herself again?

Rating: R

Chained To Fate

The Art of Falling Apart

~My friends say I’m dying

But I do it so well

I’m skilled at the art of falling apart…~SOFT CELL

* * * * * * * * *

Buffy ran from Spike’s crypt and didn’t stop until she reached the street. She was out of breath and looked around. She didn’t know where to go now, or what to do. It seemed like everything was falling apart. It was clear to her now that despite Tara’s reassurances, something had to be wrong.

She heard the sound of rapid footsteps coming in her direction. Someone was running towards her, but she didn’t even bother to look around. It didn’t matter. She silently hoped that maybe it was a vampire. Maybe they would do what Spike refused. Or maybe they’d just kill her. Right now, either option seemed acceptable.

She felt a firm hand grip her shoulder and swing her around. Spike stared at her with shock and concern.

“Let go of me.” She told him as she tried to wrench out of his grasp.

“No.”

“Leave me alone!” She shouted at him.

He grabbed both of her shoulders and stared into her eyes.

“You’re coming back with me.” He stated firmly.

“Why? Did you change your mind?”

“No. Did you?” He asked.

She stared at him, then lowered her head.

“I was just so desperate. I thought you could make it better. I thought you’d want to.” She admitted with shame.

“You thought dying would make it better?” He asked incredulously.

“It worked last time.” She whispered.

“Buffy…”

“Everything is just so confusing.”

“Let me help you. Come back with me, and we can work this out.” He pleaded with her.

“No. Just let me go. You can’t help.” She said seriously.

“I’m not letting you run off like this.” He explained.

“You think I can’t take care of myself?” She asked bitterly.

“Not right now, you can’t. Now come with me.”

She stood firmly in her place as he attempted to pull her along with him.

“Don’t make me have to drag you, Buffy.” He said irritated.

“Like you could make me do anything.”

“You think you’re the only one with power here? I can hurt you, remember?” He told her angrily.

She laughed at him bitterly.

“But you won’t. Don’t you get it? I want you to hurt me.” She told him seriously.

He just stopped and looked at her sadly.

“Hurt me. I deserve it.” She said, breaking down into tears.

He went to her and pulled her into his arms. She let him try and comfort her. She was so full of self loathing that she couldn’t even see what she was doing. He took her arm and led her back to his crypt wordlessly. He led her down the ladder and into his room. He sat her on the bed and knelt down at her feet.

“Listen to me Buffy. Whatever this is that’s wrong with you? We’ll fix it.” He said earnestly.

“There isn’t anything wrong with me.” She said softly.

“Yes. Yes, there is. That stupid resurrection spell. It did something to you. We’ll find out and we’ll fix it. I’ll get some books or something and—.”

“No. It won’t help. There’s nothing wrong with me. I already checked.” She told him tearfully.

“What?”

“I asked Tara to check for me. She said I’m still me. Still Buffy…Just some molecules out of place. She said it’s nothing.” She explained.

“Well, it doesn’t sound like nothing. It could be affecting you.”

“Stop trying to explain this all away with my wrongness. I’m not wrong. This is me. This is Buffy.” She told him seriously.

He wasn’t sure what to say to her now. He had felt certain that there would be an explanation for all this. But apparently there wasn’t. She watched his expression and took his silence to mean disapproval.

“You don’t even want to be with me anymore, do you? I’m too monstrous even for you.” She said despairingly.

“Shut your mouth. I never said that. If this is you? Then this is you. I love you no matter what you’re like.” He told her as he took her hands gently.

He wanted to make that point clear to her. He remembered what he’d said to Xander the night he found out Buffy wasn’t dead. He wouldn’t let them destroy her, even if she wasn’t right. If any part of Buffy was alive, he’d hold onto her. And if this was Buffy now? Then this was his Buffy.

She looked down at him and shook her head slowly.

“But I don’t love you, Spike. I can’t.” She admitted.

His expression fell. It was no surprise to him. He never thought that she did love him. But hearing her say the words after everything they shared, hurt him.

“Why can’t you love me? Because of what I am?” He asked softly.

She shook her head.

“No. Because of what I am.”

“A Slayer?”

“A monster.”

“Stop saying things like that. You’re not a monster.” He told her firmly.

“No, you’re right. I’m not. According to you, monsters have feelings. I don’t even have that.”

He fell silent again. He couldn’t let her be this way. He reached up and stroked her hair softly.

“I don’t care if you don’t love me. We still have something. I don’t know what it is, but it’s enough.”

“How can it be enough?”

“It is.”

She looked at him. His eyes were so sincere. He really didn’t care that she couldn’t return his feelings. She felt a pang of relief come over her. She hadn’t wanted to let him go. Not yet. She still needed the safety he had to offer. He saw her at her complete worst tonight and he didn’t run away. He still wanted her. If any of her friends had witnessed her behavior tonight, they would look down on her. Buffy believed this to be true. She didn’t feel worthy of anyone right now. But Spike was still there. He was always there.

She reached out and pulled him to her. She felt that familiar safeness that came from being in his arms. The bonds they’d shared together over the last few months, were still strong. They’d fought each other constantly for control of the relationship. Neither one wanted to completely submit to the other. In the end, neither one of them had any control.

She was lost and scared. And he was so desperate to cling onto what little she had to give him. They were both spinning and swirling, completely directionless. Two lost people, clutching at each other in a sea of confusion. Trying to keep the other above water, but in the process drowning them both. But they were too weak to stop it. Too weak to save themselves.

He laid her down on the bed and removed his jacket and his shoes. He took his shirt off and slid into the bed beside her. She reached for him and started kissing him. She needed to feel good again. She needed to feel something other than the pain she carried with her. And again, he was there to fill that void.

He kissed her softly, and whispered into her ear.

“We can just pretend that none of this happened, Love.” He assured her.

“But it did.” She whispered back.

“It doesn’t matter.”

She knew he was wrong. It did matter. It mattered a lot. But she pushed the thoughts away. For tonight, she believed him. She had to. If she didn’t, she wasn’t sure she would survive.

He removed her clothing slowly this time. It wasn’t the time for games, or for hurting each other. They’d already done enough of that tonight. This was about comfort and safety. They both needed each other. They both wanted to pretend that nothing had changed.

He guided himself into her slowly. She clutched at him tightly. Her body was alive, even if her heart wasn’t. She locked everything away except the sensation of his body. With every thrust, a little more hurt dissolved and became replaced with pleasure. It was an empty pleasure though. Borne of sadness and despair. There was no passion with them tonight. Only need.

Her breath quickened and she held on to him. He buried his face in her neck and saw the marks he had left on her. He had tasted her over and over again. To him, they were marks of love and devotion. He now realized that to her, they weren’t proof of their love. They were just scars.

He kissed her neck softly as they both fell into a bittersweet release. He rolled away from her slowly and lay next to her, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t say a word to him. He wondered if she’d leave him now. With that thought, she rolled over closer to him. She snuggled herself under his arm and closed her eyes. He clutched her tightly, trying to hold onto what they had left.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next morning Buffy walked into her house cautiously. She had stayed with Spike all night, mostly because she couldn’t face coming home. But she realized eventually she had to face up to Willow and Dawn. She came into the living room and saw them both asleep together on the couch.

They both sat up and looked at her. It was a mixture of anger and concern. Buffy lowered her head.

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

“Where were you?” Willow asked.

“I-I was out. I had to leave. I’m sorry I freaked you guys out.” Buffy said awkwardly.

“Why did you run out like that?” Dawn asked with confusion.

“I’m sorry. I never meant to worry you guys. I’m okay now. Really. I just need to get some rest.” Buffy said, as she turned around and headed up the stairs.

She knew it wasn’t fair of her to leave them like that. And it wasn’t fair to let them believe she was alright. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell them what was happening. She didn’t even really know herself. All she wanted to do now was sleep. Possibly forever.

Dawn and Willow looked at each other sadly. They didn’t really know what to do or say. They were so relieved that Buffy had come home and wasn’t hurt. They’d seen what she’d done to her room. Willow still felt responsibility for the torment Buffy was obviously going through. She had pulled her out of peace, and now Buffy was barely holding things together. Every time Willow thought that things were getting better, something happened. It became clear that any happiness on Buffy’s part was just an illusion.

“What do we do? Just let her go?” Dawn asked sadly.

“No. We don’t. I-I think I know someone who can help.” Willow said grabbing the phone.

“Who?”

“Tara.”

An hour later, Tara came to the door. She’d been worried for Buffy for a long time. She hadn’t come to see her in weeks. Tara had stopped by the Doublemeat Palace and learned that Buffy no longer worked there. She hadn’t told anyone else about it though. She realized now that maybe she should have.

She had wanted to keep Buffy’s confidence so badly, that she feared she only made things worse. She was relived that Willow had called her now. Tara only hoped that maybe she could be of some help.

Willow let Tara inside and they looked at each other. Things were still a little awkward between them. Tara spoke first.

“So, is she upstairs?” She asked.

“Yeah. She totally freaked out last night and tore up her room. Then she ran out. We didn’t know what to think.”

“I-I’ll try and talk to her.” Tara assured her.

“She won’t talk to me anymore. I thought maybe she’d tell you.” Willow admitted softly.

“Can I go see her?”

Willow nodded her head and Tara walked up the stairs. She knocked on the door softly and Buffy didn’t answer.

“Buffy? It’s me. Tara. Can I come in?” She asked.

Tara waited and got no response. Just as she was about to turn around, Buffy opened the door.

“Hey.” Buffy said managing a small smile.

“Hey. Can I come in?”

Buffy moved away from the door and motioned for her to enter. Tara closed the door behind her and they both sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I-I’ve missed you. We haven’t talked in awhile.” Tara said with a comforting smile.

“I know. I’ve been busy.”

“Yeah.”

They sat there silently. Buffy wanted so desperately to open up to her, but she was afraid. Tara didn’t want to push her. Finally Buffy turned to her.

“I know why you came.” She said.

“You do?”

“I totally freaked out last night. I think I scared them.”

“Kind of. Do you want to talk about it?” Tara asked gently.

Buffy turned to her seriously.

“Tara, I need to know what’s happening to me. Something isn’t right. I-I know you said I’m fine, but I can’t be.” Buffy told her.

“Is this because of you and Spike? Did he do something?” Tara asked.

“No. It’s not him. It’s me.”

“What do you mean?” Tara asked.

“I’m totally losing control. I-I can’t seem to stop doing things that are bad…and wrong. It’s like I’ve turned into someone else.” Buffy attempted to explain.

“What sort of bad things? Y-you mean letting Spike bite you?” Tara asked quietly.

“No. Well, that too, I guess. But it’s other things.” Buffy said softly, lowering her head. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Tara when she spoke. “I’ve bitten him. I’ve hurt him…Tara, I almost killed him last night.” She whispered.

“Buffy…Why? He must have done something.” Tara said trying to understand.

“No. He didn’t. That’s the point. He didn’t do anything. He loves me, and all I can do is hurt him.”

Tara looked at her and touched her arm. She was at a loss for words. Buffy continued to speak.

“It isn’t just him either. I’ve been going out every night looking for trouble. I have this overwhelming need to kill things.”

“Patrolling? But Buffy, that’s your job.” Tara assured her.

“This isn’t just patrolling, it’s more than that. It’s like a hunger…A thirst for power. I’ve done things that I never would have done before.” Buffy said shamefully.

“Like what?”

“I took money from some people…Demons. I quit my job, Tara. I needed money and I just took it because they were weaker than me. I felt like I was entitled to it somehow. It was easy.” Buffy said shaking her head sadly.

“You stole money?”

“Yes.”

Tara looked at her with surprise. Buffy was humiliated at her admission and looked away from her.

“You made some mistakes. Your life is very confusing. It’s understandable. Maybe—.”

“Tara, I wanted to do these things. I needed to. There’s something wrong inside me. It’s like I’m not even human anymore.” Buffy said with tears in her eyes.

“But you are, Buffy. It’s human to make mistakes. Just because you stole some money doesn’t make you a bad person.” Tara told her.

“It’s not just that, Tara. It’s not the money. It’s how I felt when I was taking it. I felt superior. Indestructible. When I’m slaying now, I don’t just stake a vamp or kill a demon and move on. I hurt them. I destroy them. And I enjoy it. I take pleasure in it.”

“But it’s your job.”

“No. It feels personal.” Buffy explained.

“Well, you have been through a lot, Buffy. It’s reasonable that it would feel that way. Demons have caused a lot of pain in your life.” Tara rationalized.

“I know. But it’s deeper than that. It’s their fear…I feed on it. I enjoy causing pain. Tara, I’m turning into the very thing I’m supposed to fight against.” Buffy cried softly.

Tara pulled her into her arms and held her softly. She rubbed her back and tried to soothe her.

“Shh…It’s okay. You’re not like them.” Tara whispered.

“But I am. I’m just like them. We look at vampires and call them monsters because they kill without a conscience. What do you think I do? I kill and I don’t care. I kill and I enjoy it. How is that any different?”

“But you’re helping people. You kill because you are trying to keep the world safe. It is different.” Tara said firmly.

“It doesn’t feel different.” Buffy sobbed. “I’m a monster.”

Tara just held her tightly and let her cry.

* * * * * * * * *

Several days later, Willow and Xander sat together at the Magic Box. They were speaking in hushed tones and Anya kept glancing over. She wanted to know what they were talking about, but she had customers waiting. Xander leaned over to Willow.

“She broke her mirror? Why?” Xander asked, as Willow attempted to fill him in on Buffy’s recent behavior.

“I don’t know. She won’t talk to me anymore. I-I think she told Tara. But Tara wouldn’t say anything. She said Buffy was just going through some stuff.” Willow said shaking her head.

“What kind of stuff? And since when are Tara and Buffy best friends? We’re her best friends.” Xander said with hurt feelings.

“I know. She even told Tara about her and Spike.” Willow said absently.

“Yeah.” Xander agreed. Then he looked at Willow strangely. “What?”

“She told Tara that she was sleeping with Spike.” Willow said, thinking Xander knew.

“Again, I say, what?”

“Oh my god. You didn’t know that?” Willow asked.

“I’m suddenly feeling like nobody tells me anything.” Xander said completely confused.

“I guess you wouldn’t know. Buffy’s not exactly forthcoming these days. I only found out cause I saw the bite.” Willow explained.

“The bite?”

“He bit her.” Willow told him.

“And he’s still alive?” Xander asked incredulously.

“I-I think it was a sex thing.” Willow whispered uncomfortably.

“I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.” Xander said cringing.

“I think maybe something happened with him the other night and that’s why Buffy freaked.” Willow offered.

“Well, I can help with that. Get me a stake. I’ve been itching to get rid of him for years. He just gave me a reason.” Xander said seriously.

“No. We can’t.” Willow protested.

“Why not?”

“Because we don’t know what happened. And we don’t know how Buffy feels about him. We can’t just kill him.” Willow explained rationally.

“It’s probably all his fault that Buffy’s weird now. She never comes around anymore. And when she does, she doesn’t talk. He’s got some kind of vampire mind control thing going on with her. Clearly she’s lost her mind.” Xander protested.

“That’s why she didn’t tell us.” Willow said softly.

“Because she’s insane?”

“No. Because she said she knew we’d tell her she was wrong and crazy.” Willow admitted.

“Well, she is. She needs to be told that. I’m gonna tell her that.” Xander said seriously.

“You think that will help?” Anya chimed in over his shoulder.

Her customers had left and she had managed to hear the tail end of their conversation. Xander and Willow both looked up at her.

“What?” Xander asked.

“I asked if that would help. You want to tell and emotionally fragile person that she’s insane because she loves someone you don’t approve of?” Anya asked seriously.

“She doesn’t love him. No one said anything about love.” Xander protested quickly.

“We don’t know that for sure.” Willow added softly.

“Yes we do. This is Buffy. The Slayer. Spike is a vampire. She doesn’t love him.” Xander stated logically.

“Right. Because a Slayer would never fall in love with a vampire? Doesn’t anyone remember Angel?” Anya asked matter of factly.

“Angel was different.” Xander pointed out.

“Angel had a soul.” Willow said.

“He was still a vampire. And Buffy loved him, right?” Anya asked.

“Fine. You have a point. But Angel didn’t make Buffy crazy. Spike is obviously doing something to Buffy to make her like this. She’s different now. She’s not herself.” Xander told her.

“And you think Spike is responsible?” Anya asked.

“Of course.” Xander nodded his head.

“So, being ripped out of Heaven by your friends, waking up in your own grave, finding out your broke and doomed to a life of fast food, on top of being a Slayer, isn’t something that might make a person a little wacky?” Anya asked them.

Xander and Willow just looked at each other. Anya had a very huge point. They were both so quick to lay blame on someone else, they hadn’t even stopped to consider they might be part of the problem. If they had just left Buffy in peace, then none of this would have happened. It was their fault now that Buffy was alive and miserable. They both just hung their heads down and didn’t say another word.

* * * * * * * * * * *

That night, Buffy had gone out for a walk to clear her head. She deliberately stayed away from the cemeteries and other demon hotspots. She wanted to take a break from slaying. She still craved it, but right now, she was almost afraid to do it. She didn’t want to lose control again.

Just as she was making her way up her front walk, she stopped. She could sense Spike there and she turned around.

“You don’t have to hide.” She said with a sigh.

He stepped out from the tree and smiled cautiously.

“I forget I can’t hide from you.” He admitted.

“Why are you here?” She asked.

“I was checking on you. Wanted to see how you were doing after the other night. You haven’t come around.” He told her quietly.

“I know. I’ve been busy.” She lied.

“Are you avoiding me?”

“No.” She said with a shrug. She wasn’t being honest with him and he knew it.

“That’s funny, because it seems like you are.” He told her.

“Look Spike, I didn’t want to see you because it’s just weird now.” She explained.

“Weird? Now it’s weird?” He asked confused.

“I feel really uncomfortable about what happened. Seeing you just makes it worse.”

He took her hands in his own and pulled her closer to him.

“Buffy, I’m supposed to be helping you. Remember? You don’t have to hide from me.” He told her sincerely.

“You can’t help me. I told you that already.”

“Let me try. We’ll go for a patrol, and you’ll feel better.” He urged her.

“I don’t want to.” She said, moving away from him.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t want to.” She said, pushing past him and trying to go up the steps.

“Are you afraid?”

She stopped in her tracks and looked at him. Then she lowered her head.

“A little.” She admitted softly.

He went over to her again and held her shoulders.

“Buffy, there’s nothing to worry about. You had a bad night, and now it’s over. Forgotten.” He assured her.

“It’s not forgotten. Do you even remember that I was going to kill you?” She asked incredulously.

“So? It’s not the first time.” He rationalized.

“You really are warped, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m forgiving, Love. There’s a difference.” He said smoothing her hair away from her face.

She looked at him and tried to keep her strength. It was so easy to just go back to him and start all over again. He forgave her impulsive craziness, and didn’t judge her. When he said it was forgotten, he meant it. And that’s what she wanted to do. She wanted to forget she’d ever flipped out. Forget that she’d ever asked him to turn her. Right now, if he was willing, then so was she.

“You wanna go hit the cemeteries? There’s a full moon. It’s bound to be a busy night for evil. Wouldn’t wanna shirk your duty.” He pointed out.

He knew he wasn’t really playing fair. He just wanted her back. He didn’t want her to slip away from him. He really felt like he could take care of her and keep her from falling again. Being without her for even a few days, felt like half of him was missing. He hated that feeling.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to patrol.” She told him softly.

“Well, you’ll never know if you don’t try.”

She sighed and looked at him.

“I don’t have any weapons. I need to go get my bag.” She told him.

“I’ll wait.” He said lighting a cigarette, and leaning back against the tree.

She turned around and headed inside. She wasn’t sure if she was making the right decision or not. She didn’t feel ready to slay yet, but he had a point when he said she’d be shirking her duty. The full moon was notorious for bringing out the crazies. It wasn’t like she had a regular job where you could just call in sick and crawl into bed. If she did that, people might die. This was her responsibility.

She grabbed her weapons bag and ran into Dawn in the hallway.

“Where are you going?” Dawn asked suspiciously.

“I’m going to patrol.”

“Thought you might be running away again or something.” Dawn said, giving Buffy a hard look.

“I never ran away, Dawn. The other night was just a bad one for me.” Buffy tried to explain.

“Yeah, well, it pretty much sucked for me too. But I guess you wouldn’t notice.” Dawn said huffily, as she folded her arms across her chest.

Buffy sighed.

“Look Dawn, I’m sorry I freaked out. I already apologized. What else do you want?” Buffy asked.

“I just want my sister back.” Dawn said quietly.

She turned around and went into her room. She slammed the door behind her. Buffy shook her head sadly.

“Apparently she’s still dead.” She whispered quietly to herself.

Then she walked down the stairs and out the door. Spike was still waiting for her by the tree.

“You ready?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She said softly.

“Something wrong?”

Buffy looked at him blankly. Dawn had made her feel like a horrible person all over again. She knew that Dawn didn’t mean it, but her words had hurt. Buffy wasn’t being a good sister. She realized that. But right now, Buffy couldn’t help it. She pushed the pain away and forced a smile.

“Let’s go fight that evil.” She said with resolve.

He smiled at her. That sounded more like Buffy. He knew all she needed was a little time, and then she’d be back to her old self.

They walked to the first cemetery on their patrol. They found two newly risen vampires and took them out quickly. Buffy had kept her cool and was actually starting to feel pretty good again. The vampires hadn’t given her much of a fight, and she felt a familiar pang in her stomach. Sometimes she didn’t like it when they were too easy to kill.

She caught herself thinking that and she pushed it aside. You’re not out here to have fun…She said to herself. It was exactly that kind of thinking that was making her doubt herself. She remembered Faith telling her that if she didn’t enjoy her job, she was doing it wrong. At the time it had gotten her thinking that maybe she was right. Of course, Faith was a prime example of what she didn’t want happening to her.

That was the last thing she wanted to be. She had fought against that kind of lifestyle and attitude for years now. But somewhere deep inside her she feared that maybe it wasn’t something she could stop. Maybe that’s what being a Slayer was? Maybe that was the way she was destined to be? It was a fate that didn’t sit comfortably with her.

“Come on. Let’s hit the next spot.” Spike said, tugging on her sleeve.

She was jolted out of her thoughts and looked at him.

“What?”

“Let’s get a move on.” He repeated.

“Right.” She walked slowly beside him.

They entered the next graveyard and walked around. It looked empty and silent.

“Maybe the bad guys took the night off?” Buffy wondered aloud.

“It’s early still.”

“I guess.” She shrugged.

“Bored without anything to kill?” He asked with chuckle.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” She asked defensively.

“Nothing.” He said holding up his hands.

“You think that’s the only thing that entertains me? Killing things?”

“Pet, calm down. That’s not what I meant.”

“There are plenty of other things I like to do.” She said, trying to think of something. But her mind was blank.

He walked over to her and pulled her to him.

“I can think of something that you like to do.” He said seductively as he attempted to kiss her.

She shoved him away from her.

“God! Is that what you think of me? All I enjoy is killing things and sex?” She asked angrily.

“No…Well…What’s the problem with that?” He asked confused.

“Oh my god…That is what you think.” She said in disbelief.

She turned around and started to walk away from him. He ran after her and grabbed her arm.

“Buffy wait. Come on. You’re blowing this out of proportion.” He tried to explain.

“Am I? You just admitted that all I’m good at it is killing things and fucking. Right?” She asked heatedly.

“That’s not what I said! But that’s all you ever want to do when you’re with me. How the hell should I know what else you’re good at!” He shouted at her with frustration.

“This is over. I’m leaving.” She said turning away from him again.

She walked quickly and he followed after her. He realized that he had totally put his foot in his mouth. He was supposed to be making her feel better, and he was screwing it up.

“This isn’t over! Get back here!” He yelled after her.

“Stop following me. I knew I never should have come out here with you tonight.” She said, not looking back at him.

“Then why did you?” He asked seriously.

“Because!” She said as she turned around to face him. “Because I can’t stay away from you!”

“I can’t stay away from you either. And I don’t want to.” He said sincerely.

“We can’t do this anymore. It isn’t right.” She said hanging her head down.

“Yes it is. Buffy, we belong together.” He said as he took her hand.

“No we don’t. Stop saying that.” She wrenched her hand free.

“Why? It’s true. I thought we were past all this?” He asked.

“Well, we’re not. Or at least, I’m not.” She said quietly.

“Is this because of what happened the other night? Are you mad that I didn’t turn you? Is that it?”

“No! God no…I’m mad because I asked you to do it in the first place. Spike, that wasn’t me. That’s not who I want to be. Being with you—.”

“What now? It’s my fault? This is my fault?” He asked bitterly.

“No. It’s my fault. Being with you makes me feel strong and powerful. It feels… good.”

“Yeah, so what’s the problem?”

“It only feels good because it’s an escape for me. You were right when you said I didn’t like my life anymore, so I wanted yours. That’s exactly what it was.” She admitted to him.

“But it still feels good. It makes you happy.” He said hopefully.

“Because it isn’t real.”

“It is real.” He said desperately.

“Not to me.” She whispered as she looked away from him.

Her words cut through him like a knife. He knew she didn’t love him and that was okay. They still had something. Now she was telling him that whatever they had wasn’t even real. He felt like crying and killing her at the same time. He looked up at her sadly.

“You were the one who said I belonged to you. What about all that? It meant nothing to you?” He asked trying to push back his emotions.

“It meant something, just not what you want it to mean.”

“So are you telling me that it’s over? Is that it?” He asked disbelieving.

“That’s what I’m telling you.” She said feeling her own emotions bubbling to the surface.

“But I love you.”

“I know.” She whispered.

“I love you. And I’ve stood by you through everything. Everything! And now you say it’s over? You really do love to hurt me, don’t you?” He asked despairingly.

“No. That’s why I’m letting you go.” She told him softly as she touched his face.

Tara had told her before that if she loved Spike, she should stay with him. She should follow her heart. But if she didn’t love him, she needed to let him go. That’s what she was doing. She needed to get her life in order. She needed to stop doing things that were wrong. She realized now that the first step was to stop using Spike as her security blanket. Using him and hurting him made her sick inside. She hated what she was doing, and it had to stop now.

“Letting me go? I’m not asking to go anywhere.” He protested.

“Spike, stop. This is hard enough as it is.”

“We were happy, right? You said I made you happy.” He said, still grasping for hope.

He realized he was being a fool, but he couldn’t help it. He needed her now. He never gave up before when it looked hopeless, and he wasn’t going to give up now.

“I can’t make you happy. Don’t you see that? I can’t give you what you want right now.” She explained.

“I can wait.”

“No. It’s over. You have to accept that it’s over.” She said firmly.

He looked at her sadly. She’d told him that many times, but he always knew she didn’t mean it. This time, she meant it. It was really over.

She walked over to him and kissed his cheek. Then she pulled away from him. She had tears in her eyes. It was hard for her to let him go when she still felt so lost. She still needed him. But it was time to stand on her own for once. She had to stop living in a fantasy world.

“Goodbye.” She said softly as she turned around and walked away from him.

This time he didn’t follow her. He just stood there numbly, trying to keep himself from falling apart. It felt like the entire world was crumbling around him. He’d felt that way once before when Buffy had left him. Only that time, she had died. This time, it felt like it was him that died. And he had no friends to bring him back.

* * * * * * * * * *

Buffy sat outside in the park watching the children playing. It was a beautiful afternoon, and for once she was actually enjoying it. She let the sun warm her face and she smiled. Just then, she felt someone move into her light, and she opened her eyes.

“Tara. Hey. You made it.” Buffy smiled.

They had decided to meet in the park and eat lunch.

“Sorry I’m late. Class ran a little over. You haven’t been here long have you?” Tara asked.

“Not really. It’s okay. I was just sunning myself. Daytime is kind of a new thing for me lately.” She smiled.

Tara sat down next to her and handed Buffy a brown paper bag with some sandwiches in it. Buffy pulled one out and set it in her lap. Tara watched her and smiled.

“Are you feeling better? You look better.” Tara noted.

“I’m getting there. Talking with you the other night helped a lot. Thanks.” Buffy told her sincerely.

“I-I didn’t really know what to say.” Tara admitted.

“I know. You didn’t have to say anything. In fact, I think that’s the best thing you could have done. Saying nothing is better than telling me I’m a sick freak.” Buffy said with a small smile.

“You’re not a sick freak.”

“Thanks.”

“So how are you and Spike? Are things still okay?” Tara asked curiously.

“Spike…We broke up. Well, I broke up anyway.” Buffy admitted softly.

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?”

Bufy shrugged and looked down at the sandwich in her lap.

“I had to do it.” She said quietly.

“Why?”

“Because I couldn’t keep hurting him.”

“How did he take it?” Tara asked concerned that Spike might do something stupid.

“Not well. But most people don’t jump for joy when they’re being dumped.” Buffy pointed out.

“He won’t…you know…hurt you or anything now?” Tara asked awkwardly.

Buffy shook her head.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I did the right thing. Eventually, he’ll see that.” Buffy tried to reassure herself.

“So then you didn’t love him?” Tara asked quietly.

“No.” Buffy whispered. “I’m still not sure I’m capable of loving anyone right now.”

“Sure you are.” Tara said supportively.

“I still feel hollow. Like I can’t feel anything real.” Buffy admitted as she looked away from Tara.

“But you do feel. You feel a lot, Buffy. That’s why you were in so much pain the other night. That’s why you had to let Spike go. Because you cared. If you didn’t care about anything, none of that would have bothered you.” Tara pointed out seriously.

Buffy looked at her and let her words sink in. Tara was right.

“I guess so.” Buffy said softly.

“I know so. Your feelings are just so blinded by the pain you have, that you can’t see them. Once the pain goes away, you’ll find your heart again. It just takes time.” Tara said giving Buffy’s hand a tight squeeze.

“But how do I make the pain go away?” Buffy asked.

“I think only you can answer that.”

Buffy looked up at the sky, as if the answer would come crashing down on her from the heavens. But nothing came. Tara was right. It was up to her to banish the pain. No one else could do it for her. All her life she’d looked to others for her answers. First her mother, then Giles. When they left her, she was completely lost. She moved on to Spike, and now Tara. It was time to stop using other people to make her happy and complete. It was time she took control of her life. The only person that could make her happy was herself.

* * * * * * * * * *

I'll Stand On My Own

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~I was trying so hard to please myself

I was turning into somebody else

I was trying so hard to be myself

I was turning into somebody else…~ THE THE