Always Remember I Love You
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Willow descended the stairs of the Summers house, shaking her head as she reached the bottom and came into the living room. Xander, Tara, Anya, Dawn and Giles looked solemn, knowing that Buffy was no better. It was several weeks since the incident on the tower, the day when Spike had sacrificed himself and saved the world. Dawn had been deeply upset and blamed herself for a while but the others had convinced her it was not her fault. She didn’t know what Spike was going to do and besides, he would not want her to feel bad about it. He cared for her and he would only want her to be happy.
Buffy was less easy to console. She barely spoke, she barely ate and she was a fraction of the woman she used to be. Her strength seemed to have almost completely vanished and she would stay in her room for hours, days even. Her friends were worried about her. The fact she wasn’t eating much and her strength had seemingly disappeared, the fact she remained in her room, in the dark if possible, not wanting to talk to anyone or even see them really.
"It’s been weeks" Xander looked down as he spoke quietly from his spot on the sofa. Anya was next to him with Dawn on the other side. Giles sat in the armchair with Tara in another, Willow perching on the arm beside her. "I know it was tough but, I thought she’d be dealing by now..." he trailed off.
"It must be the guilt" Willow started, "I can’t see why else she’d be so upset, unless..."
"Unless what, sweetie?" Tara prompted her girlfriend. If she had an idea then they all needed to know. Willow and Tara had moved into the house once it became obvious that Buffy was in no condition to look after herself, nevermind Dawn.
"Well, he loved her" the red-head sighed, "What’s to say she didn’t love him too?"
"Impossible" Giles said immediately, which upset the youngest girl in the room.
"Why?" Dawn snapped, "because he’s a vampire?"
Everyone looked uncomfortable as the teen stood up, especially as they noticed her speak in the present tense - as if Spike were still alive or at least undead.
"He loved her, he really did and she could love him too! She loved Angel! And don’t tell me a soul makes all the difference. If Spike was capable of loving us enough to die for us, why shouldn’t Buffy love him too? Just because it wasn’t obvious doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it!"
The younger Summers girl stalked up the stairs, tears streaming down her face. She planned on going straight to her room but Buffy’s bedroom door had been left open and the young girl was drawn to her sister.
Buffy half laid, half sat on her bed, a glazed look in her eyes and a blank expression on her face. It was as if she wasn’t even there, just a figure, just a body, barely alive. Dawn sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at her sister. So pale and drawn, she was barely recognisable as the Slayer.
"Buffy" Dawn whispered, "I’m sorry. Everyone keeps telling me not to blame myself, but I’m sorry anyway" She moved her hand to push some stray blonde strands off of her sister’s face, but Buffy didn’t even move, not at all.
"Y’know it’s okay" Dawn told her, "It’s okay if...if you..if you loved him, Spike I mean"
"Spike" Buffy echoed his name, eyes still focused somewhere else, "My William"
Silent tears spilled down her cheeks once more and Dawn decided to leave her alone again. It was pointless sitting there with her, she barely knew she was there.
Dawn was just about to close the door when she heard a whisper and she listened to the words her sister kept repeating softly to herself, the same words she had said to herself since that day on the tower.
"Always remember - I love you"
Dawn closed the door and cried a few of her own tears, for Spike and for Buffy, til she felt someone behind her.
"Hey Dawnie, we’re sorry if we upset you" Tara smiled slightly and the two girls hugged each other.
"It’s okay" the younger girl nodded as they pulled apart, "I probably over-reacted anyway"
"How’s Buffy?" Tara whispered her question as the two girls headed back down the stairs.
"The same, still talking to herself" Dawn sighed.
"You okay, honey?" Willow tried to smile at Dawn who shrugged a reply as she entered the living room again, "and Buffy?"
"No better" she said sitting back on the sofa as Tara went back to her chair.
"Why can’t she talk to me?" Giles thought aloud. He was her Watcher, practically her father, he felt responsible for her and yet she would not let him in, wouldn’t talk to him, or anybody.
"When she had problems she talked to Spike" Dawn explained, "Same as I did"
"It’s ironic, the person she needs to get over him is him" Xander laughed humourlessly. He and Spike, they had never seem eye-to-eye, in fact they had more or less hated each other, but even Xander had to admit that Spike had done a brave and wondrous thing when he made that deadly jump into the portal. "I never thought I’d live to see the day when I said this" the young man continued, "but I wish Spike were here"
"We all do" Tara nodded in agreement.
"Then why don’t we bring him back?" Dawn had a sudden thought.
"What do you mean?" Giles asked, leaning forward in his chair.
Dawn looked at the floor and tried not to cry as she explained herself.
"When Mom died, I did a spell, to bring her back..." she swallowed hard, "Spike helped me"
"Dawn that kind of spell is dangerous..." Anya told her.
"I know, that’s why I broke it, but there are two of you" she continued, looking up at the two witches in the armchair, "and you have all this power and Spike was a vampire so I know it would be different, but, couldn’t we try?"
"Dawnie, I don’t think the answer is..." Willow started but she was interrupted by someone entering the room from the kitchen.
"I made coffee" the creature who seemed to be Buffy announced with a smile as she put the tray down on the table. The Scoobies had used the BuffyBot for the purposes of patrolling since the real Buffy had not felt up to leaving her room, nevermind staking the undead. It would not do for the demons of Sunnydale to know that the Slayer was so vulnerable, but the gang knew Buffy would probably not appreciate having the mechanical double around so she had been staying with Giles.
"I think perhaps I should be going and taking Bu..her home" Giles amended, tilting his head toward the robot and getting out of his seat.
"Yeah, we should go too" Xander nodded also standing up with Anya at his side.
"I’ll give you both a lift" the older man offered and the three, plus the Buffybot, said their goodbyes.
"I’m going to bed" Dawn gave the two Wiccas a half smile and climbed the stairs.
"Night Dawnie" they called behind her and Tara yawned.
"Maybe we should head up too"
"Yeah" Willow nodded as her girlfriend got out of her seat, "Tara, what Dawn said about bringing Spike back...do you think we could?"
The other witch glanced back at the red-head.
"Willow, you know it’s dangerous, but...I don’t know, maybe it would be possible"
"It’s just" Willow sighed, "Buffy needs him, I, I’m starting t-to think she might love him and well, we need her and she needs him so..."
"We’d need supplies, and it wouldn’t be easy" Tara admitted "but w-we could try"
Willow smiled, a thing rarely seen amongst the gang lately.
"We should try" she nodded, "We’ve got nothing to lose"
"We’ll start research in the morning" Tara smiled back, "but in the meantime" she held out her hand, "let’s go to bed"
* * * * *
Seven thirty in the morning, the alarm clock in the Wicca bedroom sprung
to life and both young women moved to turn it off. Neither had really
slept, too busy thinking about what they had discussed before.
"Should we tell the others?" Willow wondered, aloud.
"I don’t know" Tara was just as undecided on that issue as her girlfriend was. "Dawn would approve and maybe even Xander and Anya, but I can’t see Giles liking it"
"What about Buffy?" the red head sighed, "We can’t really tell her either, I mean, get her hopes up and then if it didn’t work, she’d be heart broken all over again"
"Do you really think she loved him?" Tara turned on her side and looked at Willow.
"Did and does, I think" the other witch nodded, "she wouldn’t be like this just from guilt, not for all this time and you’ve heard her when she talks to herself"
"Always remember - I love you" Tara said quietly, echoing the words they had all heard Buffy repeating so often. "You think that’s the last thing he said? Before, y’know"
"Could be" Willow agreed, "Could be what she wants him to know too"
"I can’t imagine what I’d do if anything happened to the person I love" Tara fought back tears, "If anything happened to you"
Willow hugged her girlfriend.
"Well, nothing will happen to me, we’re going to be together forever, I promise" she assured her, "And if our plan works, Buffy and Spike will be together too"
* * * * *
"And this will work?" Xander asked the two Wiccas. Willow and
Tara had just divulged their plan to their fellow Scoobies; Xander, Anya
and Dawn. It was a week since their original idea and since then Willow
and Tara had studied every possible book about resurrection and revival,
in an attempt to find a spell to bring back Spike. Eventually, when they
were sure they had the right one and one that stood a chance of working,
they told their friends about it.
"It should work" Willow nodded, "Of course there are no guarantees"
It was late in the day and the Scoobies were gathered around a table at the Magic Box. Giles was at the Summers house, taking his turn to ‘baby-sit’ Buffy. Of course this had been planned so that the younger members of the group could discuss their plan and then patrol with the Bot as usual when it got dark.
"Well, I think it is good that someone is finally doing something useful" Anya spoke suddenly, "Sitting around crying isn’t helping anyone"
"Anya" Xander said her name with a warning tone, but it had no effect, his girlfriend did not see how she had done anything wrong.
"She’s right" Dawn agreed, "We should be doing something other than feeling bad about it"
"Well, we will" Willow nodded, "and it has to be soon too. The spell has to be done under the full moon and we have a lot of ingredients to get sorted out before then. We only have eight days"
"Eight days?" Xander echoed, "that’s not long. Do you think we can do it?"
"I think we have to" the red-headed witch half smiled.
Back at the Summers house, Giles was half asleep in an armchair, the television
still switched on in front of him. Suddenly the man was awoken by a scream
and he shot up the stairs immediately. He flung open the door to Buffy’s
room and found her writhing on her bed, yelling, her eyes firmly shut,
in the midst of a nightmare.
"Buffy, its okay" Giles told her, trying to hold her, "It’s okay, you’re safe, it’s just a dream"
He shook her slightly.
"Wake up Buffy, please, it’s just a dream"
"Spike!" she yelled, still dreaming, "Please don’t leave me" she sobbed and cried and choked on her words, as her Watcher tried to hold her still.
"Buffy, please" he shook her a little harder and her eyes shot open.
"Spike?" she whispered when she realised there were a man’s arms around her.
"Buffy it’s me, Giles" the man told her, hugging her.
The girl sobbed into his chest, realising what had happened at last. It was another dream, another flashback, Spike was still gone.
"Always remember - I love you, always remember - I love you" she repeated her mantra, softly to herself as Giles laid her back down in her bed and she cried herself to sleep once more.