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“Do you know why you lost to me just now?”
The Slayer’s first instinct was to deny that she’d lost, but she realized that would be ridiculous.
She sighed. “No, but I suppose you’re going to tell me.”
“Do you remember me telling you about the Slayer death wish?”
Buffy nodded. “But I don’t want to die....”
He looked at her, confused. She seemed sincere... was he wrong about the death wish?
“... but I don’t want to live, either,” she finished softly.
Aha! Now we’re gettin’ somewhere. It’s not exactly the death wish, then...
“You lost because you don’t care, Buffy, or at least you’ve convinced yourself you don’t. You’ve cut yourself off emotionally.”
She looked away, neither confirming nor denying his accusation.
“All the years I’ve known you, you always fight your best when you’re... when you’re feeling something.... usually anger. Especially when someone you love is in danger... like when you fought Glory to save Dawn... or me to save Angel....”
Not a topic he really wanted to bring up, but hey, anything to break down those walls.
Unbeknownst to him, his words brought up a memory, related to the slayer she’d worked with back then.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy’s flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(What’s My Line, Part 2)
Kendra: Emotions are weakness, Buffy. You shouldn't entertain dem.
Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets!
Kendra: (picks up her knife) Maybe. For you. But I prefer to keep an even mind. (wipes the blade)
Buffy: (puts down her knife) Mm. I guess that explains it.
Kendra: Explains what?
Buffy: (plays with the stake) Oh, well, when we were fighting, uh, you're amazing! Your technique, it's flawless, it's, hmm, better than mine.
Kendra: I know.
Buffy: Still, I woulda kicked your butt in the end. And ya know why? No imagination.
Kendra: (rubs her blade more vigorously) Really? Ya tink so? (puts down the rag)
Buffy: Oh, I know so. You're good, but power alone isn't enough. A good fighter needs to know how to improvise, to go with the flow. Uh-uh, seriously, don't get me wrong, y-you really do have potential. (puts away the stake)
Kendra: (holds her knife ready) Potential? I could wipe de floor wit you right now!
Buffy: (looks Kendra in the eye) That would be anger you're feeling.
Kendra: What?
Buffy: You feel it, right? How the anger gives you fire? A Slayer needs that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She had completely forgotten her own words to Kendra. Since she blamed herself for the other Slayer’s death, having stupidly fallen for Angel’s trap, Buffy tried not to think about her.
Spike saw that Buffy was thinking about something, so he backed off. They’d put supplies in the cave earlier, and he busied himself getting out the food and setting up the two bundles of bedding.
Buffy was anguished. She’d started this whole no emotion thing to save others. If she felt too much, she’d freeze up when someone was hurt and then even more people would die. As General Buffy, with the mother of all apocalypses coming up, she felt she couldn’t take that risk, and so, as Spike said, she’d cut herself off.
But now she wondered. Was she really doing the best thing for her friends, or was she just being selfish? On the one hand, she realized Spike was right, she did fight better with emotion. On the other hand....
“Spike, what happens when someone is hurt or killed?”
He turned from the food and cocked his head at this apparent non sequitur.
“Huh?”
“I mean, you’re... you’re right...”
Buffy had to try very hard not to laugh at the surprised expression on his face. This may very well have been the first time she’d admitted he was right about something.
She continued. “I do fight better when I feel. But feeling is also what causes me to freeze up if someone is hurt or killed. Too many people are counting on me this time, Spike. If I freeze up, they die. I can’t, I won’t, allow that,” the Slayer stated firmly.
“You won’t freeze up,” the vampire assured her.
In a mannerism she’d unknowingly stolen from him, she raised an eyebrow. “No? You’ve forgotten when Glory took Dawn?”
He walked over to her and sat beside her again. “No, ‘course not. That was one of th’ worst times of my life... besides when you were gone, of course. I felt so.... so helpless. I slapped you. Didn’t do anything.”
She blinked. She’d never really thought about the impact her catatonic state had on others.
He resumed. “I figured that might be what you were worrying about. But that won’t happen again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know you,” he stated simply. She indicated for him to continue his explanation. “Because you’ve changed, matured and whatnot, since that time.”
Spike leaned in towards her and held her hands in his. “Buffy, I’ve known you for about as long as anyone else around. The fact that I was your enemy at first actually gives me somethin’ the others don’t have. I was always analyzing you, for strengths, weaknesses, anythin’ I could find. For the past few years I’ve still been doin’ that... partly outta habit I guess, but also ‘cause I care ‘bout you. And I’ve seen you at your best... and your worst.”
She looked away, remembering some of those ‘worst’ times, uncomfortable under the burning gaze of his blue eyes.
“So? Your point?”
“My point, Slayer, is that I know that you are so much stronger than ever before... or you would be if you’d let yourself be. Not just physically, but emotionally. As I said to th’ Scoobies, I don’t wanna sound like the great poof, but you gotta have faith in yourself.”
Not knowing how to respond, Buffy remained silent. Longing to break the tension, she suddenly said, “So, what? You trap me here to tell me to have faith in myself? You couldn’t have just done that at home, where it would have been slightly more convenient?”
“The idea was to get you to express some emotion, break your shell and whatnot before trying to talk to you. We didn’t think you’d stick around to chat once you showed some emotion. Couldn’t just have ya runnin’ away like usual.”
“Uh, news flash Spike, I’m no larger with the emotions than before.”
He sighed. “Yeah, I know. But when we first were trapped in here, I realized something. You were ‘bout ready to explode, but then you controlled it. See, I think what me an’ the Scoobies were thinkin’ was that this was kinda like after you came back, when you were emotionally numb. But it’s totally different. This, you’re doing consciously. Breakin’ down those walls isn’t gonna do any good if you just slap ‘em back up again.”
He had a good point, Buffy knew. This was something she’d done on purpose, and therefore she could undo it on purpose... not easily, but it was possible. One thing was still bothering her, however...
“Why you?”
“What?”
“Why you? Why are you the one sitting here, telling me this, instead of Willow or Xander?”
He chuckled. “Actually, I was chosen for my incredible ability to annoy the hell out of you. If I couldn’t make you mad, well then....”
She laughed, briefly. It felt good and right to laugh again, and, well, it was kinda funny.
Yet another question came to her. “Ok, I see your point about that, you are the most infuriating being on the planet.” He smirked proudly. “But how could they trust you to be trapped with me? I mean, I guess.... I’m starting to realize you can’t hurt me... or wouldn’t, anyway... but I just can’t see Xander saying, ‘Hmm, yeah, let’s trap Buffy in with Spike for an entire night, in a place out in the middle of nowhere.’ So...?”
He shrugged nonchalantly, trying to make it seem as if he didn’t know the impact his next words would have on her. “They trust me.”
Buffy gaped. For such a simple statement, she had quite a reaction. They couldn’t... but that was the only reasonable explanation for them allowing... no, not allowing, actually aiding and abetting him in capturing her for a night.... Oh no!
“Spike, this is just for one night, right? I mean, someone will come get us out in a coupla hours?”
He slowly drawled, “Well, Xander thought it might be a good idea for this to last several days, to break that stubborn barrier of yours...”
Seeing the alarmed expression on her face, he quickly amended, “But I thought one night was enough. Who knows when the First’ll come up wi’ another toy surprise for us to play with.”
The Slayer nodded, relieved.
Curious now, she asked, “So, how are you managing to get along with Xander? And isn’t Dawn still pissed at you?”
He snorted. “Wow, Slayer, I didn’t realize you were so behind on the times. I made up with the Nibblet, Xander, and the Watcher weeks ago. And, don’t tell the Whelp I said this, but we’re actually,” he mock shudders at his next word, “friends.”
“What!?”
“Yeah, I know, weird. But there’s a serious lack of other guys around for us to hang with, so we take what we can get.”
“Isn’t he still pissed about the whole Anya incident?” Buffy’s eyes darkened, remembering how hurt she’d been.
Seeing her change in attitude, Spike softened his tone. “He understands that she an’ I were hurtin’, so we took comfort in each other... well, first in a bottle, then in each other.”
“How did that come about?”
Spike sighed. This wasn’t something he wanted to discuss; he was inclined to tell her not to drudge up the past. But the past was still important, although over and done with; he knew that, and wanted to make her see that.
“I went to the magic box that night, lookin’ for a spell-”
“A spell? You were going to put a spell on me?! I don’t-”
“Slayer, would you shut your gob for two seconds? I was lookin’ for a spell to dull the pain of losing you, all right? And Anya grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and that’s how that all got started. Happy now?”
“Oh.”
Eager to change the subject, Spike said, “There’s food if you’re hungry, and your bed’s set over there.” He pointed.
“Wow, the prisoner gets fed and a bed and everything. How lovely,” Buffy snarked, still upset that she’d been duped by those she’d trusted most.
“Buffy, you do get that me an’ your other friends did this for your own good, right?”
She remained silent and still far too long for Spike’s peace of mind.
“Slayer? You hear what I said?”
Buffy still did not move or make a sound. Spike was just beginning to seriously worry when she finally seemed to come to some sort of decision.
“We’re not friends.”